Eaglie's Aviary

Friday, October 31, 2008

A Sad Message This Halloween

After 96 years of fighting for the working man's message, here's one for you: Rest in peace, Mr. Terkel. Next to you, no body builder, lifeguard, or slutty fireman could be considered a Stud.

I'll leave the rest to the Tribune, the Sun-Times, Roger Ebert, and then the oft-quoted Studs Terkel himself: "Curiosity did not kill this cat."


A Word of Hope (or Audacity) from the NAAHSA and the Transylvanian-American Alliance

Well, we haven't heard a peep or scream from these guys in a while! Our old friends at the NAAHSA, in official evil concert with the Transylvanian-American Alliance and the Anti-Ethicality League. That third one's new, and I haven't talked to any of their representatives personally, but I'm sure they'll pop up soon.

A Joint Message from the NAAHSA, TAA, and AEL:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Ensouled-Americans,

We, as always wish you a very Happy and Safe All Hallow's Eve, as you always celebrate every year alongside us an And we stand shoulder to shoulder-spike with our fellow creatures. In the light and out of it. Some of us even produce our own light, even if it is faintly smelling of brimstone.

That is why our groups, who seriously don't always agree on everything and are certainly differently interested groups must unite and tell all of our endorsement this election.

Humunity and Unhumanity are in financial peril. You might think we only make our money on costumes, scented candles, lawn ornaments, and those useless fruits you call pumpkins (all considered recession proof), but many of us have jobs in the service industry and many more will be reaching the workforce in the coming years. We need security like all Americans do, as we all know there is one America.
From many levels of hell, one Hell.

That is why this new man on the world stage is the right man for the time, even if you cannot see him. For perhaps he was an Invisible Man to many, but forever his visions have stayed clear. And he can bring hope and change for us all.

Maybe he's abstract. Maybe he's the abstraction. Yet aren't abstractions what the great idea men behind liberty and happiness wanted? What they fought for and died for?

Abstraction: that is why we support Barack Obama in 2008, for President of the United States of All America. Because if he weren't abstract, he'd be undead.

Thank you,
Rev. Lucifer
Newly Elected Head of the National Association against the Adversity of Hell-Spawned Americans

Vlad Blagojevich
Newly Elected Head of the Transylvanian-American Alliance

Vegetable of the Anti-Ethicality League

Well, aren't they just little rays of hope and change? Remember, readers: I, in no way, endore the message of this letter. Nor do I endorse their political endorsements. I, in fact, endorse Barack Obama and Joe Biden, and that's final.

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Thursday, October 30, 2008


This is spreading like fire across the ever-thirsty wilderness of the Internets, and it being Halloween time on a bird-themed blog--well, you should have a listen.

Yes, Stan Lee reads "The Raven." And quoth the raven, "Excelsior!"

(First spotted on Ain't It Cool News.)

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

While We're on the Subject of Stupidity (It's a Full Time Job)

What the hell, World Series? First your teams suck, then your teams become political vehicles, then your teams can't stand a little torrential rain? Bunch of no-good, cheesesteak-and-fish-eating wimps of sell outs.

On the subject of selling out, the Aviary officially does not condone it. It unofficially does, but only when there is money to be made. That's why we're dumping Google AdSense and refusing to work with advertisers again, at least until we get a three-picture deal with Paramount.


It's the True Spirit of Politics

Like Charlie Brown and Linus, I thought my childhood was shattered. Honorability and respecting ones' opponents was on the rise, bloated bureaucracy wasn't even showing up in the patch, and law-bending politicians were whiffing on every commercial punch. But all this feel-good, hope-and-change, non-partisan-maverick hooey, be damned! Bring on the felons!

NY Times Quote: Mr. Stevens can serve in here is the the Senate as a convicted felon. Only a two-thirds vote of expulsion by the Senate could remove him if he does not resign.

That's the federal government we grew up with. None of these curfews or razor blades in our prison food: we can all feel safe to go out and run for Congress again, even with the maniacs all dressed in robes and wigs or as trial lawyers. All thanks to Sen. Stevens.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Election Comedy Is Heating Up

So is dressing up for Halloween, but you don't see me doing it.

Actually, I guess you do.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Happy Halloween Week!

These are pictures for discussion. Doesn't everything look creepier 80 years old?

It probably doesn't help that there's not one Power Ranger. Everything's a creepy clown or anthropomorphic bow-tied... thing.

(From blog friend, Carissa.)


Those Wisconsin People--Always So Politely Angry!

But didn't McCain just give up on Wisconsin?

Publisher Houghton Mifflin (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, for those keeping score) pulled a no-no by placing a few words from Sen. Barack Obama in a literature textbook. (He is, of course, almost a president, a problem for anyone in publishing, you see.)

My favorite part is the righteousness I picture in her voice when she says how much more interesting a story about the life of a POW in Vietnam would be than a community organizer from the South Side of Chicago. There are some who would... not ME, certainly... who would imply these were pretty comparable situations.

Because that would be mean and bigoted. And I would never imply such a thing, and would prefer you forget about those thoughts and think about happier things. Heroism... diversity... bombastic marches...

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Apparently, Google Has My Number

This suggestion for a website I'd like to visit doesn't have anything to do with an recent post? 'cause I used a negative in that statement. "NO PUNS" I meant.

Tehehehe, "spare the flavor."


Friday, October 24, 2008

Simple Gifts and Gamecards

Let's Revoke Their Titling Privileges

This headline says, "Toasted Kellogg students flake at Field Museum."

Just saying, there should be a statute of limitations put on pun words.


Blind, Ignorant, and Bitter to the MLB's Political Conscience?

We glance at the World Series, tied 1-1 between the Penn.-based, red-hatted Phillies versus the Floridian, blue-trimmed Rays. Seems like a tailored electoral metaphor. I mean, the next best thing this election cycle to an Arizona-White Sox World Series (which would've created a rash of Cubs-related killing sprees) is a World Series between two battleground states' teams. Why didn't I think of this before when I said how little anyone cared about these teams?

Maybe I was hurt, angry, and killing-spree prone. But at least Sen. Obama can look on the bright side: maybe he can sway a few votes and ride a few bandwagons into his respective polling booth, maybe creating an insurmountable lead by the 9th inning. Maybe Sen. McCain could turn it around by claiming Sen. Obama is just a fairweather fan of a politician. Maybe Philadelphia can end its championship agony, or Tampa Bay could end its misery of just being Tampa Bay. Either way, this is still going to be a pretty ignored metaphor.

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Less Than Two More Weeks to Go

All y'all liberals always talk about leaving the country when things don't go your way after elections... at least the last two presidential ones. Now, you surly conservatives are thinking the same, especially since Canada is still ruled by the Conservative Party (by the way, Canadian Conservatives are really not what you're thinking they are--really).

Therefore, I urge all conservatives and liberals: don't leave. This is my call, my urging: keep trying to make this country better. All of you: exercise calm, restraint, and, if you are so inclined, self-deprecating humor. Don't cry that you lost.


So I Was Wrong about the Red Sox

Meaning I don't care what happens the next 4-7 games, but I am endorsing Philadelphia for World Series champions.

Why did God create expansion teams, really? To mock Cubs fans, I assume.


Ft. Knox Would Become the Best Vacation Ever!

Why does no one listen to Natalie? Bernanke? Please? I listen to Natalie.

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

I say we peg the dollar to them, including Natalie and Rashida.

(First watched at Cute Overload.)

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Everyone Finds Their Way to a Blog Eventually

Just added Andy and mine's roommate's blog to the sidebar. The Monster Raving Looney Rantings of Dubs: Politics, Opinion, and Scotch, or "Dubs-ican," is Republican, yes, but one of the intelligent ones, the ones who, when faced with this year's conservative electoral moral dilemma, flipped an Alaskan quarter to decide: heads, Sen. Obama; tails, Libertarian candidate Bob Barr.

(By the way, Mr. Dubs-ican, have a happy birthday, from the Aviary! This post is your chance in the blogosphere limelight!)


A Tradition Handed down since the Clintons

We are heading into that time of season (every four "seasons," actually), the one where rubber political masks sell really well, then the leftovers of one mask are given to homeless people and paramilitary groups, and the others are stored to be bought mail order and used in abstract holiday pageants.

Buying your Obama, McCain, and maybe Palin masks not an option? Make your own though! Or bake a cookie.

(Photos from friend of the blog Carissa... cookies from Bennison's in Evanston, IL... cookies eaten by friend of the blog Reba.)


Monday, October 20, 2008

Conservatives Jump Ship

First came George Will. A few days ago, National Review columnist Chris Buckley, son of intellectual conservative folk hero William F. Buckley and now former National Review columnist.

Then, the Chicago Tribune, which has always endorsed Republicans, never Democrats. When the stats came out, I was sure they were wrong. They HAD to have endorsed a Democrat at some point in their history. Barry Freakin' Goldwater was a Republican, for God's sake: how could they support him?

My fact checks proved the media outlets right: Goldwater was planning on dropping a nuclear device on Vietnam, strapped to the Statue of Liberty (the Freedom Bomb). And the Tribune endorsed this sacrifice.

Now, (as in yesterday) former secretary of state, general, and black Republican Colin Powell left the side of his former Vietnam buddy to support his [deleted], Sen. Barack Obama. Immediately, the questions of the general's patriotism and racial tendencies came on the line. ("COLIN POWELL'S BLACK?! I NEVER KNEW!" you might ask.)

Yes, not everyone's backflipped off USS McCain-Palin: God bless you, Rush Limbaugh. God bless you and your unserving loyalty to a man you railed against and said would not support for the presidency.

So that's where we stand. The quote-unquote intelligent conservatives are leaning toward Obama, the quote-unquote loco conservatives are voting for Palin McCain, and the rest of the world is watching and is probably needing something to hide all the wrinkles once this is done.


Friday, October 17, 2008

My Relatives Are Pimp

I Consider Blog Action Day Two Days Unfinished!

I didn't even get to the part where the economy crashes and burns, and the protagonist $700 Billion puts out all those fires!

No, I don't feel like finishing it NOW. Haven't you read enough of me to know I don't finish what I start? It's like the 43 Rubick's Cubes I've bought... all reds solved, but nothing else.

But I do have some stock market advice to give:

Isn't the NASDAQ more important than the Dow Jones anyway? When did I start caring about trade futures that involved steel, coal, and sweat, instead of silicon, really? I'm Generation Wireless, a Millenial, damn it!

I'd say invest in plumbing right now. Or plumbing licenses, so I hear. Help make sure Joe the Plumber reaches that $250,000 tax bracket, and so Sen. McCain wasn't lying!

Pizza boxes can help in these hard times. And, apparently, social networking sites. Both can provide homes and friends, once you've hollowed them out and lowered your standards (of living or otherwise).

Apparently they've greenlighted a Wall Street 2. Hard times call for hard sequels. Also, irony?

I mean, really: invest in irony. Those futures are heading WAY up.

And such a surprise: World of Warcraft doesn't care. It's not affected. They're raking in at the auction houses, and the death knight boom might never end! Invest now!

No matter how bad it gets, we'll be fine, really. And we're still richer than the rest of the world.

And if the Internet and the Aviary really do go down, you'll be able to read the new paper-based Aviary every day, if you come to my apartment and take the notebook from under my bed REAL quietly.


Red Sox Haunt American League Nightmares

Your sports update: while I've officially sworn off baseball until further notice (when my Cubs reenter the world of the living and the White Sox stop laughing about Evan Longoria's unfortunately-timed name long enough to steal a base or two), no American League Championship Series is complete without a bunch of arrogant Red Sox fans pointing out how many times they've been down, oh, two or three games, in an impossible-to-beat hole, and come back to win it.

And the Beaners could do it again. And then the Phillies would be phucked.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Phew! Glad I'm Done Talking about Poverty

Just in time for the Dow to drop another 733 points. The second highest point drop, after the highest point gain, after another second highest point drop, after the second highest point gain, after... I'm a little queasy.

So maybe we're all going to be in and out of poverty, every other day, every other week, for the next two decades. Or maybe we'll just call the whole thing off.

If you need more proof of American impoverishment (relating to political creativity and new ideas), the last presidential debate is in a few hours!


Blog Action Day 2008: Poverty!

A boring title, no? But that's all the creativity we at the Aviary can afford right now in this economy! About it, though: Blog Action Day is a set day that we in the Blogosphere get responsible one day and not talk about three-headed kittens or Sarah Palin. We are here to make a difference after all.

Poverty is a massive theme to tackle. Most people might talk about it in grand gestures and arm-flailing, and others do shadow puppets of specifics. Spoken in drama, comedy, fiscal quarterly reports... personally, I like playwriting. Therefore, I present to you a scene from my new work (coming to Broadway and a Tony Awards show near you), Poverty: Maybe Obama County!

Scene 1
Investment Banker 1: We need money!
Investment Banker 2: Much more than expected!
Treasury Secretary: It will all collapse otherwise, Mr. President!
President: (thinks) They do need money!
Investment Banker 1: Yes!
Investment Banker 2: Always!
President: Give it to them!
Congressman 1: But, well, I guess we must... for the good of the nation... we might bankrupt the nation though...
Congressman Chorus: We will save it!
Congressman 1: We might give away all our money to Wall Street fatcats, instead of helping all those people losing their houses...
Congressman Chorus: Not the CEOs, this time!
Congressman 1: We will have to tighten our belts and get rid of all the pork...
Congressman Chorus: Pork must go! Bailout, here we come!
Congressman 2: Isn't this socialism?
Congressman Chorus: (silence)
Speaker of the House: All for saving of this horribly managed economy, entirely the fault of Mr. President and not at all us, many of whom have been in our seats for more years than Mr. President has been Mr. President? What do we vote?
Congressman Chorus: Nay! Nay to socialism!
$700 Billion: Don't I have a say in this?
Congressman Chorus: Nay!

Scene 2
Senator 1: Well, I don't know about overstepping my bounds and putting up a financial bill...
Senator 2: We must save this nation!
Senator 3: We must save this nation, my friends, even if it means putting off a debate or two with that one of the most important election of our lifetime!
Female Governor: You betcha, Senator 3!
Evil President of the Senate: What do we vote then?
Senator Chorus: Aye!
$700 Billion: Jeez, don't I have a say in this?
Senator Chorus: Nay!
Evil President of the Senate: Motion aborted!
Female Governor: No!

Scene 3 (this is where the drama really picks up)
$700 Billion: I just don't know who I am anymore. No one cares how I feel about being a big talking pile of money.
Congressman 1: Huge.
$700 Billion: Nobody knows... (sobs)
Senator 2: Well, why don't you go out there and help everyone out? Save us all?
Senator 3: Make people's lives better. Like we try to, every day, no matter how stupid, insane, and gangly our opponents are.
Senator 2: Or how irascible, bad-tempered, and smelly.
Senator 3: Or how much they will lead us into another destructive war abroad.
Senator 2: Or how much they will destroy this country through insidious means within.
Senator 3: Or how much we will never insult our opponents' character.
Senator 2: Or how much I have to agree with Senator 3.
$700 Billion: Think I could?
Senator 2: Yes, you can.
Senator 3: Act first, before it's too late!
$700 Billion: You mean, like all these jokes?

That's what I have so far, but I still need names. I was thinking Clinton and Romney for Senators 2 and 3.


Monday, October 13, 2008

I Don't Know What to Joke about Anymore!

Homes in Russia... that one... The Maverick... heart attacks... you betcha!

I'm losing my ability to make fun of this election, really... you know that? Gov. Sarah Palin broke the field SO WIDE OPEN that SNL became relevant again. That everyone and their mother is now a comedienne. That I'm now facing stiff competition from my uncles and aunts. None of whom had a sense of humor worth measuring.

Well, actually, that's not true. My aunts and uncles are formidable with their mass email forwardings.


Relax This Columbus Day

And get your jollies the least messy way!

(Yes, that is Capt. Tightpants, for all my nerdy Firefly-versed readers.)


Saturday, October 11, 2008

He's a Kindred Spirit

And this blogger also does great flow charts.

(Look down the page. And read the entire article. Link from Prof. Hugh Miller of Loyola University Chicago.)


Thursday, October 09, 2008

Why I Support One, Not Just NOT Support the Other

A lot has been made of my support for Obama-Biden. That I just am against McCain-Palin and especially Palin who is a bitch anyway. But I am going to deny this: I don't just not support the one ticket: I support the other ticket of Whathisname-and-Whathisorhername. They speak to my upbringing.

Ever the "tweedy professor," but to take that a step further, Obama is the Indiana Jones-type professor, the type young Millenial girls sign up for classes with, just to sigh while barely passing the class. But instead of going on scary jungle and desert missions to recover lost artifacts, he goes on scary missions to avoid showing an opinion in the Senate. Oh, you maverick.

Speaking of mavericks, there's Sen. McCain who has begun to show weaknesses in his once unbeatable political package by looking like an idiot who doesn't understand anything about the economy. Of course, so goes Congress as well. In fact, he's PART of Congress. In fact, both candidates are part of Congress!

Making them both idiots about the economy according to my previous statements.

I am not hopeful, it seems, nor am I putting country first. But so my pendulum swings.


Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The Greatest Plumbing Story Ever Told

If you're not a wine fan, well... at least it wasn't pipe stigmata.

(Taken from Dave Barry's blog.)


Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Lowered Expectations

Only two pieces worth printing today, but here they are, from the email crypt. Have a close look at those subject lines:

From: (deleted)
To: (deleted)
Date: Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:01:09 +0200
Subject: Lots of decent Russian women to choose from.

i am a charming blue-eyed blonde, eager to meet an interesting man for some virtual chatting by email or Skype, or dates in reality!

Over the past few months, my emails have been showing a decline in the quality of Russian women. I hope by next week they're still possible to look at without puking.

And now, the plain absurd:

From: (deleted)
To: (deleted)
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:06:02 +0000
Subject: Dante gets posthumous nose job

The rest of the email was just unnecessary.


Monday, October 06, 2008

Back to Being a Ray of F***ing Sunshine

The White Sox are clinging on (by a thread), but the Cubs... well, the Cubs did not even give me the chance to unfurl the banners at the top of the page for them before they crashed. Chicago sports, especially the goat-stricken teams, are probably not a good way to spend my time on these bloggings. We need to take the focus away from their ineffectual leadership and corrupt officials, and go back to politics.

Perhaps for good.


Sunday, October 05, 2008

There's Always Next Curse (2008)

This is what happens when you mess with magiks you don't understand, Billy Goat Sianis. Your nephew can't rescue the Cubs. No amount of goat sacrifices/seats can save us. Maybe the Cubs have to break the curse by moving away from the former Indian burial grounds we call Wrigley Field. The Cubs supposedly will never win a Series there, and maybe it's time to move.

Or maybe it's time to forget about curses and let them pass away into forgotten lore. They say magic dies when imaginations forget about the spells. You hear that, Mark DeRosa? Maybe we just need to turn our backs on it all, even the Cubs, the true source of the curse.

But who's lying? We will never do that. Because we love them too much, and in our hearts we know it's just God trying to avoid Armageddon, for the sake of everyone. Maybe it's a good thing.

Or maybe it just is meant to hurt. So to end this NLCS HuntWatch, I have something less magical, more steampunk, the Internet:

Can't be found? Perhaps Cubs.com is forgotten? Seems fitting.


Saturday, October 04, 2008

I'm Sick, the Cubs Are Down 0-2, and the Two Might Be Related

Thankfully I never lost my lunch once, but that might have been because I have no appetite to eat anything to throw up.

I saw the game on Wednesday through a chain link fence out on Sheffield Ave. One guy was selling Miller Lite out of his backpack, another was trying to dump his "watchin' crates" off on unsuspecting people, and one guy tried to cheer up the crowd with a back-and-forth conversation of his two impressions: Harry Caray and Steve Stone.

Thursday's game was watched in a bar with a ton of people in suits and non-baseball paraphernalia. They were a boring bunch, so I tried to spice it up with my own Harry Caray-Steve Stone impressions (by groaning incomprehensibly and then railing against Dusty Baker). Then I saw the young professionals were paying more attention to the Biden-Palin debate, and I realized it was too late for them. These people couldn't show emotion about sitting on a nuclear device, let alone a sports team.

So I sacrificed them all. That should break at least TWO of the Cubs' curses.


Wednesday, October 01, 2008

It's October! And It's the Cubs National-League-Championship-Series HuntWatch!

It's time for the ghoulish delights of being in the playoffs two years in a row.

And it's time for an end to all those haunted years us Cubs fans. It's REALLY a problem for the immortals among us, though it's even more of a problem for the Robin Williams-like man-children among us.

It's time to live and die with a team that I wouldn't trust with my life, but I love them too much. It's an abusive relationship.

And it's time to see a White Sox-Cubs World Series, where my mood, demeanor, and volume will be affected by a mere 3mph prevailing southwest wind. Now THAT'S abusive.

Is it time to be a trick or treat, Cubbies and White Sox? My poor scared heart can't take these next few weeks.