Eaglie's Aviary

Friday, February 27, 2009

So That's What Happened to Keyes?

What does this man do for a living, really? How can he afford groceries?

(Probably can't use the word "silly" without 15 tons of irony falling on your toes, sir.)


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Lenten Giveups

Again, I'm a lapsed Catholic bird. So I don't give up meat on Fridays, I don't fast, and no one's smearing my feathers with ashes. But yet again, Andy, as lapsed a human Catholic he is, has given up watching TV alone. So what should I give up in turn, to support my roommate and handler?

I decided I'd be more optimistic. None of this "giving up." It's so negative it makes my tail feathers poof. No, I'm making a resolution (it was actually a New Year's Resolution a few years ago--as Lent often is): I will floss.

Remember: I might not have teeth, but beaks need flossing, too.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Mardi Gras = Paczkis at Work!

And Popeye's for dinner!


Monday, February 23, 2009

The 81st Oscar Tally

So I went 5 for 8, and batted .625. That's not bad, right? I even called most of the technicals as they were being announced, and I totally wasn't listening to the amount of clapping.

The biggest winner of the night? Proposition 8.


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Oscars in a Minute!

Remember: you heard these picks here.

Also, Hugh Jackman is going to be hosting, which I just found out. What did comedy do this year to get shafted?

UPDATE: The Reader joke in the opening number sums up the year. And just swayed me to Hugh. He can sing to me any day.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Of COURSE You're Not in Obama's Control Group

Everyone talks about the stimulus package like expert doctors. Some say it's an ointment but not a cure. Some call it a cure (the President). Others talk of it being a placebo, in this market-based economy of ours.

But what if it really was a placebo? I don't mean if it pumped sugar and nothing else into the economy. What if Obama just said he was putting a stimulus package into the economy? He signed this sugar pill of a bill on Tuesday, but what if that was a ruse, and we're all part of the control group?

Here's the scenario: no money goes into the economy, the infrastructure, anywhere. It's all fake, a feel-good spending-and-tax cuts bill, that costs the nation nothing (except the ink in Pres. Obama's pen: about $2 billion). And don't you know it, the stock market soars! Everyone's riding high! Everyone's going: buy! Buy! BUY! BUYBUYBUY!!! How much for golden egg futures?! Put it all on Snake Oil!

That's how it'll be. A utopia. You know, until the inevitable crash of civilization two weeks later. This isn't your "5-Hour-Energy" stimulus package.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

No Rest for the Democratic

I saw my first political ad since November, this one for Sara Feigenholtz. I know, I know: she's running for special election (Illinois 5th), and that's coming up quick. But do I really have to bother to mute these things so soon?


Everyone Goes West

He's flying the coop... heading west like Fievel, they say (more like how I say). Friend of the Blog and Andy, Chris Edwards, is going to be a star. At least that's what he says. And Andy. And, begum, I believe it when those two finally agree on something.

Just kidding, you two. Californie-way's a good fit for a man like Chris. Even a whole family of Chrises (not that I'm implying anything about his personal life). Andy promises me we'll go that way someday, too. He promises it'll be a better life, but I'd go only t'sitesee and spit on a few stars (not just the ones in the sidewalk, I mean).

Californie-way calls to the best a' us in ev'ry gen'ration. An' there ain't many better. Congrats an' enjoy it, Chris. Maybe me and Andy'll join ya. For a better life, down tha' dusty road an' away from tha'dusty bowl.

(Pack 'er up an' move fer Manifest Dest'ny, righ', Andy? An' don' worry: there ain't no spacific accent I were intendin'... Southern? Steinbeckian? West Side?)

("Spacific" pun intended.)

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Monday, February 16, 2009

Ah, for the Simpler Days of Joke-Telling on the Internet...

Scrollscrollscroll... oh, there's the punchline!

(From my favorite submission artist, Andy's mom, who says, "Thought you and other libertarians would enjoy this." Whoever labeled me a libertarian?)


Friday, February 13, 2009

Yet Another Friday the 13th

They always remake this day, every year. I don't know why, since the first was sucky.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Midway Between a Rock and Hard Place

Today's economics hit the fortresses of our childhood memories hard. Yes, developer of Mortal Kombat and a whole lot of other arcade games I fed my quarters has been FINISHED (A FATALITY!!!), to use my own, completely original joke. But thankfully, they are not gone and dead. They did manage to hit CONTINUE, shall we say, by which I mean, Chapter 11 rather than Chapter 7.

I leave you with a Twitter from their offices.

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Charles Darwin: Born Yesterday

Or, well, born today, 200 years ago. But I was trying to play on a cliche, which doesn't work as well after I reread it. And I should edit it, but it's one of those things I can't bring myself to because it sounds cool and you still get the picture.

Google is celebrating, in ways only they can. Scientific American is celebrating, with a podcast (how else?). And the finches are celebrating because, by gum, they were PART of the HMS Beagle voyage, and they deserve the celebrity status.

I celebrate because Charlie's the poster boy for science and dinosaurs, the latter of which is the coolest thing ever to exist on Earth (I'M A RAPTOR! RAR!) and the former being the proof for that coolest thing ever. And I like any proof, unless it involves bisecting lines and supplemental angles. That kind of proof is less cool.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Sorry for the Delay since the Last Post

Internet's been on the fritz, and mild-mannered Andy's not around to fix it. That's because he's got himself employed again, working for a super-secret company that I totally will never ever write about on this blog (And-ray Nally-mcay? CNally-may?). I will, however, link the blog that he's working on over there. He's a terrible writer, though, as you can read.

Actually, nothing of his has been posted so far. So he's an even worse writer than I thought. But still, check out the rest of Nally-mcay's site while you're on the blog! Great people, great food, great driving directions... great company all around! Definitely worth selling out to! (Remember: I am just kidding.)


Sunday, February 08, 2009

Why Did I Never Think of Doing This Myself?

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Not the Obvious Joke

Raccoons, on the loose! Which means they should get a warden for the White House grounds. Maybe a chief deputy spokesperson for wildlife. (Or find a more rugged Secretary of the Interior.)

Whoops, they already have one of those wildlife spokesmen, sounds like. I'm starting to find this press secretary figure more palatable by the day.


Friday, February 06, 2009

Memetic Evolution

Cabinboy1776 posted this quite a few years ago, back in the days of pre-IRC. And 4Chan has been around pretty long, too. (They've even been The Featured Article on Wikipedia.)


Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Huberman Switching Tracks

A businessman with no public transit experience became a head of the transit authority. And then that head of the transit authority with no education experience became head of the public schools. In celebration of this highly American, and even more Chicagoan, occasion, I listened in on Chicago Public School Customer Service with Ron Huberman at the helm, two years in the future:

Chicago Public Schools.
Concerned Parent:
Yes, my son Johnny was left back last year. I wanted to ask about this letter describing this mandatory "Express education."
Of course. "If a student is held back more than once, he or she will go 'Express' for a year to get them back on schedule."
Okay. I can get behind that. But why will he be in fifth grade the next year? He was only going to be in third grade.
Well, fifth grade seemed like the best choice to drop him off. It is one of our most used grades.
Well, how can he get back to the grade he should be in?
We'll just have to leave him back a few times.
Wouldn't that put him back on Express education?
That is very possible.

Chicago Public Schools.
Concerned Parent #2:
Hi, I was wondering about my daughter Carol's math scores. She is not doing so well all around. She's a hard worker, but doesn't get everything. However, she's doing terrible with math scores, and I don't even see a grade for math on her report cards. Not for the last two quarters, anyway.
Yes, I can answer that--math is under construction, so for the next two years, all math students will run on the science, social studies, and reading tracks. We apologize for that inconvenience.

Chicago Public Schools.
Concerned Parent #3:
Yes, there's a new bill at my door from you guys. A fine?
Well, eating or drinking in the hallways is a finable offense. All infractions are now, in fact, finable. Your son should eat less Ho Ho's.
Parent 3:
No detentions anymore?
Not cost-effective. They didn't even help stem the infractions. We assume the anger of parents ponying up will be more effective.
Parent 3:
Not half bad logic, if insane. And I must pay this off, how?
Payment by Chicago Card is still possible. Just add money to it, and scan it at the door of your child's school, but I must warn you that there is no more 10 percent bonus.


Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Now for Fifty Years We've Been on Our Own

Ironic that The Day the Music Died led directly to the most popular karaoke song in history. And c'mon: "American Pie" has to be cut to fit TIME CONSTRAINTS for the radio. How did the music DIE? I guess you have to just understand the song, they say.

Of course, everyone has to tell you where they were that Day. I wasn't hatched yet, but I'm pretty sure with glasses I look just like Buddy Holly. And as for Andy, he wasn't born yet, but Buddy was 22 when his plane went down. Same age as Andy right now. What a downer. (RIMSHOT.)

So we don't have a real story. But Andy tells me his mom went to the very last show before fateful Clear Lake. The kind of story that gives adults a glazed-over look and silence following. He promises he'll ask about it later.

That's my story then.

(Editorial Note: only one Weezer reference. Good.)


Monday, February 02, 2009

Screw You, Punxsutawney

I think I spelled that right. Anyway, while we wait in Chicago for our OWN delicious rodent to come out of his hidey-hole, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and bolted back inside. Let's hope this stays with the tradition that groundhogs are always wrong about the weather. We should start paying more attention to less dumb animals, really.


Sunday, February 01, 2009

Steelers 27, Cardinals 23

Poor Cardinals. Even the Audabon Society got their picks wrong:

But me? The actual bird? I'm up $10.


Steelers So Far

100-yard dash, anyone? Quite the interception (for a TD) by a linebacker, wasn't that interception? Of course, most people reading this wouldn't care that much, especially since I don't know any Steelers or Cardinals fans. Only people that hate the Steelers. Which I suppose is fine, since it's only Pittsburgh anyway. 17=7, Steelers, at halftime.

In other news, Bruce Springsteen did not use 3-D, disappointingly.

Also, there are a LOT of Heroes commercials, all better than the current season.


Super Bowl Sunday, a True American Holiday

Super Bowl Sunday: the most gluttonous day of the year this side of Thanksgiving. Besides a few rebellious folk, EVERYONE watches for the football, the halftime show, or the commercials.

The football should be a spectacle: a veteran Super Bowl bagger leading the Cardinals' West Coast offense, run by stupid short passes, versus the reborn Steel Curtain, playing football the way it should be played. If you think that I'm abandoning my principles and going against my avian kin, you obviously don't understand the food chain.

Bruce Springsteen is doing halftime this year, which will likely be a step up from previous the phallus-and-nipple shows.

As for those commercials: Monsters Vs. Aliens, the animated movie, gave me 3-D glasses. I plan to watch the whole game with them on, no matter how hard it is to find my salsa.