Tuesday, June 30, 2009
We can declare victory now! Mission accomplished in Iraq!
Yes, yesterday brought this news, meager against the deaths of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Billy Mays, a few thousand hungry children across the globe, and possibly Jeff Goldblum. However, Iraq is finally becoming independent... somewhat. The American pullout leaves towns, cities, and metropolitan areas to rule themselves. Our doughboys will keep the peace in the deserts and rural lands, but the cities are now Iraq's to protect.
My one qualm with this situation: do you know what yesterday was called in Iraq? National Sovereignty Day! Lame. At least our day has oomph: the Fourth of July! Independence Day! If you want to join the big nations, you need to celebrate like us. Maybe not the 29th of June, since the jokes would be lame:
Q: Does England have a 29th of June?
A: Yes. So does America. So does everyone else.
I guess that joke was never funny. But, National Sovereignty Day? I bet that doesn't even sound cool in even one of your country's languages. C'mon, Iraq: you could at least call the day the tried and true Independence Day. Or, better, Iraqi Freedom Day. Or, my personal preference, End of Operation Iraqi Freedom Day.
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, two of our founding fathers and our second and third presidents, died 50 years later, on exactly the Fourth of July. You can't get more poetic oomph than that. Can I suggest you kill off a few of your own founding fathers? I know you can't kill them, it wouldn't be the same. But give them the suggestion that maybe they should die of old age on June 29th... in fifty years, at max? (Note: I am kidding. I am a peaceful blogger, not threatening ANYONE. Please don't jail me.)
Iraq, there is plenty for you guys to do to spruce up your National Sovereignty Day. Getting chopping and rename it. Get your founding fathers to cooperate. However, one last tip: celebration with fireworks? Don't copy us.
Labels: International Affairs
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Is MTV putting on Thriller (with an undead Michael Jackson) a little too soon?
Yes, I won't pretend that I cared that much about him in life. Not a big King of Pop fan. But as a comedian, losing a punching bag, I say, lay down and take a rest. For once, you won't hear the media screaming at you.
(Sorry for the broken image in the link... I'm currently trying to get up a working photo again. Six-year-old link.)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Andy and I decided to stand in the smog an extra five days. But hey, we saw Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen! And Charlie Chaplin, though I suspect he was an impersonator.
I'm working on the trip write-up for you guys, and Andy's got an impressive photo collection to edit into a manageable, readable blob. But for now, I'll repost some highlights of the Twitterlogue:
After carefully considering how early I had to get up for a 6:30am flight, is it too late to cancel & fly to LA on my own wings? 2:09 AM Jun 13th from txt
So, far, my guidebook of Grapes of Wrath has lied. I can't pick oranges, grapes or even wine straight from the trees in #California. 4:58 PM Jun 13th from txt
Nesting hummingbirds have the speed & dexterity of 10 soccer moms. 3:21 PM Jun 15th from txt
Okay, so #LA has not been burnt. Just looted.10:50 AM Jun 15th from txt
The Surplus Store: Earthquake & Survival Supplies: seems to me "surplus" is a misnomer in earthquake-ridden, Laker-fan-infested #LA8:51 PM Jun 15th from txt
Biggest impressions at Manns? Probably Sam Jackson's hands, Jimmy Stewart's feet, or Jimmy Durante's nose. 12:32 PM Jun 16th from txt
Twitter is a sorry means for describing art but I'll try: based on one painting, the stigmata of St Catherine was caused by PEWPEWPEW beams. 1:52 PM Jun 18th from txt
I had my first sighting ever of the rare baja fish taco, which lives in festive environments, full of stucco. 7:47 PM Jun 18th from txt
And, yes, I realize that I'm taunting my readers at home, talking about mostly dry weather & Pacific sunsets painting skies. Ooo, rainbow! 1:01 PM Jun 20th from txt
I'm on a sugar-white beach grasped by the crawl of the tide and flame of the sun--man, I love this poetic landscape stuff so hard.5:09 PM Jun 20th from txt
At the end of #Route66. I think we cheated by taking United though. 2:27 PM Jun 21st from txt
#Vegas is BOILING HOT! WHY DID I LEAVE MY TERMINAL?!?! 3:30 PM Jun 22nd from txt
Now, the 4-hour voyage home. And some time(zone) traveling. See you guys in the future! 5:24 PM Jun 22nd from txt
Friday, June 12, 2009
Ah, bright lights, cameras, and action: Andy and I are making a trip out to LA for a few days. My whirlwind tour to a beautiful city of contrasts, a land of desire, you know, all those travel cliches.
I'll have the mobile Twittering turned on, of course, and I'll be taking plenty of pictures. I won't be Internet-less, though I probably won't be checking much email anyway. I'd rather be picking the grapes right off the vines and watch my step, lest I fall into very large crack (though that would be San Andreas' Fault, amirite?!).
I'll put my talons in the Walk of Fame, steal George Clooney's smug-ass star, and then buy expensive popcorn at Mann's.
Gotta get out to the ocean too, check out those chicks at the beach. And make some more stupid puns and Steinbeck jokes. All the tourist-y things!
I might die this vacation, being unlucky enough to be in LA when the Lakers win the NBA Finals. (When, not if... sorry to entire-world-that-thinks-Kobe-needs-to-curl-up-and-die-of-cigarette-burns.) But don't worry: I'll keep you guys updated from the grave.
Why are we not flooding the inboxes here? Hali is the perfect name for a babe.
Also, let's do this quickly, so Stephen Colbert doesn't find this and get to name ANOTHER bald eagle (Colberta). I know they've already picked the finalists, but you never know. Colbert has a way with voting records.
(Special thanks to Hilary for bringing this to the blog's attention.)
Sunday, June 07, 2009
So Friend of the Blog Danny had gone missing in China. I assumed the worst (like I always do), and on the eve of the 20th anniversary of the events at Tiananmen Square, when mankind and its indomitable spirit was pitted against tank treads and pavement. Unfortunately, the latter tag team won.
I could only assume that Danny had been crushed similarly, being of liberal namby-pamby persuasion. I then heard that China cut off social media ties from the rest of the world, thus forcing a billion Chinese to stop farming magic cloth. (I do have to wonder what happened to the World of Warcraft economy. I'm guessing nothing, since I can only assume China made a distinction between WoW and other social media due to how far this would collapse their own economy.)
Thankfully, Danny has since informed me to stop looking. He's found. I don't believe this for a second. When will Westerners learn of the impending body-snatching of our loved ones and replacement by digital Internet copies? This is obviously something we need to worry about now.
Labels: International Affairs
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
I'll make this quick: we have been moving, and Andy still has me stuck in a cage under a blanket. Why this happened, I don't know. It might have been the small fires I caused while trying to move the dresser by myself.
I managed to sneak this note out in a digital bottle. If this message reaches you, you are part of the Resistance.