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Sunday, January 23, 2011
Storied, storied, storied, storied! That's what this rivalry is. I mean, I've written about it before. The last time the Bears and the Packers met in the playoffs was a week after Pearl Harbor was attacked. If only I was in the Midwest today--in Chicago, eating ribs, brats, and drinking Jim Beam in a hallowed parking lot. It really is the Super Bowl today. Labels: Sports
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
American exceptionalism: we take exception to the game of soccer. When the World Cup kicked off last Friday, I figured something out: there is something distinctly un-American about soccer. We Americans like scores. We like close-ups. We like tackling without sliding. We like funny commercials. Ad companies (i.e. Americans) like funny commercials. Let's see: ___ Scoring ___ Close-ups of awesome action during the game ___ Tackling (without sliding) ___ Funny commercials, maybe involving a cute baby ___ Americans winning No checks. Soccer fails this list miserably, so most Americans aren't going to like soccer very soon. The ones that will aren't me. But, hey! USA tied a game with England last Saturday! We might do pretty well in this bracket! Go Team USA! Beat Slovenia and Algeria next! And go Soccer! WOOOOO! BUUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! Labels: America, International Affairs, Sports
Monday, April 05, 2010
I don't think there are any days that optimism soars quite like Opening Day in Chicago baseball. The small-balling Sox already got running, and the Cubbies start in an hour. Yup, it is only a matter of time before that fly-ball-of-optimism gets lost in the summer sun. That was the less optimistic side talking. I still think there's a chance. Ever a tinker of a chance in Chicago, that's what my Pop always said. So, my predictions: Cubs-Sox win the two Central Divisions, the pennant, and meet in the World Series. Cubs in five there. A tinker of a chance, like I just said. Labels: Chicago, Holiday Magic, Sports
Friday, February 19, 2010
Germany and the U.S. are in a tight medal count race up and to the left in Vancouver. They are also in a tight race involving hot ladies dressed in super-hot leotards. Sure, there's plenty to show off of the men's muscles for curling stones and shoving sleds (who are also dressed in leotards), but this is the women's time to shine. This is the biennial time attention is paid to women's sports. Make it worth our time, competitors! Some writers at Esquire have deadlines! (Metromix was also happy to show us the goods, but they threw a few men in. How quaint!) The Germans are led by Magdalena Neuner. She picked up silver in Women's 7.5 km Sprint, whatever that means. And she picked up gold in Women's 10 km Pursuit, whatever that means. But the point is, she did it while being hot. So did a few other German girls the past eight days, and none of them have worn push-up dirndl to do it! You can't buy that kind of talent. The American lineup of cheesecake is iced with ladies like Lindsey Vonn, Julia Mancuso, and Tanith Belbin. All are lovely and medal winners. Or are soon-to-be medal winners. They aren't Picabo Street, I know, but no one has a name that awesome anymore. And the U.S. and Germany aren't the only countries capable of producing women! China has its young lineup of speedskaters, and Canada has a surprising number of lookers, even with all the poutine and maple syrup. So many lovely, hot ladies, all in leotards and tight snow gear! Well, almost all, which is why no one likes women's hockey. But these fem-athletes are all supremely talented, of course. They should be valued for their strategies and competitiveness--their intelligence and sportspersonship above all else. Now let the cheering and cat-calling continue! Labels: International Affairs, Sports
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Did you watch the opening of Vancouver's Olympics last night? Probably not, unless you're Moldovan, since national pride moved them to send an athlete or two. I did. And I enjoyed native son Donald Sutherland's voiceover, the other announcers' McKenzie Boy accents and giant light-up bear (photo from NPR). But why the bear? And why Vancouver? The bear's an easy question: Vancouver is a place of ancestral and wild spirits. Hence the light show with whales and wolves and moose. Also, Coca-Cola is still in the winter season of its ad campaign cycle. Vancouver itself is close to Seattle, Wash., but is actually too far north to be part of the U.S. As part of Canada, Vancouver is a very snowy, cold place, though there isn't any snow at the moment which is why Olympic officials are scrambling to build a weather machine. (My suggestion: ask Bill Gates.) The city is in the southwest corner of British Columbia, which is NOT Saskatchewan or even remotely close to any place Ellen Page is from. Stay tuned for more comprehensive coverage like that! Labels: America, International Affairs, Sports
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Contrary to the blog post title, I am not rooting for someone this Super Bowl. Like all Super Bowls, I am remaining at an comedic-objective viewpoint. No emotional feelings. No intellectual feelings. Just football feelings. I suppose as a comedian I should vote (we vote, right?) for the unsentimental but funnyman favorite, Peyton Manning. See the following video to understand such things: But I left my heart and dignity in New Orleans a few years back. (I wish someone would return those.) So there's that. I am torn. And I will just enjoy the Super Bowl for what it is. (An overblown spectacle of sickeningly fun proportions.) Labels: Sports
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Brett Favre's Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints play today to decide who goes to that spectacle of spectacles, Thunderdome--I mean, the Super Bowl. These are two grand story lines of adversity: Brett Favre's age and New Orleans' hurricane. I don't know which I want to hear about less. Brett Favre is 40 years old. He's retired and come back three years in a row. He's playing for a blood rival to his old team that he won a Super Bowl with (the Packers). He would be the oldest quarterback to play in the Super Bowl ever. What's not to despise? I can't think of anything worse than Favre going to the Super Bowl. Except if a 23-year-old rookie named Mark Sanchez also makes into the Super Bowl as the youngest quarterback ever. Oh, and maybe if the Saints win today. Hurricane Katrina happened over four years ago, leaving thousands of New Orleans residents homeless. I swear I am not a fan of this. But it means we have to watch depressing images and sappy feel-good rebuilding stories every minute of the day on ESPN. Ugh. Sure, it could cut into Haiti's airtime. But it could also mean we'll have double the squalor and pop benefits on TV. I can't think of anything worse. Except maybe listening to AARP wax about Brett Favre until February 7 if the Vikings win today. ESPN, in the two weeks coming up to the Super Bowl, will paste these story lines onscreen 24/7. So will every other news agency, even TMZ. And one must happen. One must win. I can't think of much worse. Still, there is a bright side. There is a very fun drinking game pending for the Super Bowl, no matter who loses today. Labels: Sports
Monday, October 05, 2009
I have no culpability. Hooray for Carnivale! Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Tomorrow is the big day, and I was thinking, "Is the Chicago 2016 bid that great?" Of course it is. Just look at our marketing team: Motto: This switched from the poignant "Stir the Soul" to "Let Friendship Shine" and the even more stirring "Candidate City" motto due to translation issues. The former motto stirred up more intestines than animus, so I understand changing it in other languages... but couldn't we use a different motto in the U.S. Maybe the original motto? Other countries change American movie titles all the time to fit their non-English. Can't we just do the reverse and not make ourselves look like 90s afternoon public television? Logo: The Sears Tower burned as the Olympic torch--but that broke a few international rules. So now we have a Chicago-flag-lookalike star, hoping to make it on the flag in a few years. Miscellaneous: No one can forget the Chicago Dolphin! We await the Danes' reaction to our semi-aquatic mammals. If none of these have swayed them, nothing will with Decision Day tomorrow. Of course, I'll be in California, watching the results, far, far away from Rio's retaliations or Rich Daley's wrath. Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Yesterday I teased with how great of odds Chicago has to win the Olympics. 2-1, in fact. That's a pretty safe bet, right? I mean, Oprah Winfrey is leading the Chicago 2016 delegation to Copenhagen tomorrow. (Too bad the IOC isn't 50.1+ percent American housewives.) And look at the rest of the delegation: Mayor Daley is going. Governor Quinn is going. Michelle Obama is going. Barack Obama says he's going. Michael Jordan... should go instead of wishing he was still playing baseball. That's a full basketball team, with Oprah as the coach, and Education-Teacher Guy Arne Duncan cooling the towels. And why else should we win? Our secret weapons: one of the biggest sponsors of the Olympics, McDonald's, is based in Chicago. And the rest of the sponsors are American. About every 20 years, an American city hosts the Olympics. How can we lose? Easy, based on a few factors. We are the only city in the world that has more people against hosting the Olympics than for them. Many, in fact, are protesting. We also have the least guarantee that our government will handle the extra costs (though they say they will). Not to mention we're (mostly) not Latin American. Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
We have less than three days until we find out if Chicago beats the form-fitting pants off of Rio, or vice versa (only less form-fitting). And Tokyo and Madrid... how are they still in it? And does anyone care? Do you know what that means? Fake odds-making time! And if you want real odds, here. (h/t Chicagoist) Tokyo, Japan, is pushing their experience in hosting the Olympics. Experience--because they're the only city to host the Olympics. That's what entirety of Cleveland sports could say (back 40 years ago, when they cleaned up the joint), but it isn't bringing them a Super Bowl anytime soon. Tokyo's odds? 40-1. Madrid, Spain, no one remembers that you're even in the bid. Madrid's odds? 800-1. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, has among the best chances due to being the first Latin American country to give a serious bid. The downside is that most of the sponsorship will be from prostitution and cocaine rings, who are far more legitimate and concerned about employees' well-being than most corporations in South America. Rio's odds? 4-1. Chicago, USA, has pretty good odds, too. Chicago's odds? 2-1. Labels: International Affairs, Sports
Friday, September 25, 2009
There is a week left until the date that will decide our fate. Will Chicago host the Olympic Games in the year 2016? Will we "make no small plans"? Will we add a fifth star to the civic flag? Will we build exorbitant temporary infrastructure and debt? Bus ads sound off athletic support every 20 minutes , and parking meters play the Olympic theme every 30 (only one of these is real, for now--guess which). It makes for a piercingly noisy commute. But do I "back the bid"? Or am I one of the many Chicagoans hoping we lose this track & field & pony show? Well, no: I back this white city's bid. Mostly because I believe Chicago can avoid debt better than any city on earth. Maybe we'll burn her down again after the Games for the insurance money. Stay tuned: the Aviary will be posting all week about the countdown to Chicago or Rio 2016--Toyko and Madrid... are you kidding me? Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, News, Sports
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
So, Michael Jordan is in the Hall of Fame. The guy in the article gets this right: it's one big duh, first ballot, landslide victory, man-of-the-hour. Olympic gold, championship gold, hubcap gold... Michael Jordan has had it all and is the best: the best there ever was, the best there ever will be. As a Chicagoan, this makes me tear up... maybe even more as a Cubs fan. (Yes, I am that pessimistic this early on. Give my heart a rest.) But, most importantly, Mike, this means no more comebacks, no? From the Tribune: "I don't like being up here for the Hall of Fame because at that time your basketball career is completely over," Jordan said. "I was hoping this day would be 20 more years, or actually go in when I'm dead and gone." And even then, there's reanimation for the kind of money Mike has.
Monday, April 06, 2009
My friend Ken--a basketball fan, a Cubs fan, and someone who I refuse to believe is spanking me in the NCAA brackets, even when my Final Four were half-out in the first round (thank God for Arizona!)--asked me and Andy what we were going to watch tonight: the Cubs opening day game in Houston or the Michigan State-North Carolina NCAA Championship game. Cubs lead, 3-0. Labels: Sports
Thursday, March 19, 2009
March Madness is kicking off, and everyone keeps yelling at me that I need to pick some teams and bet a few peanuts on them. Well, I know next to nothing about college basketball--I actively choose to ignore it--so when Andy pesters me enough, I have to go with my standard betting practice--alphabetical picks. It works on horses, it works on baseball, and it damn well works stuff I don't care about, like basketball. So here she is. And the way the alphabet system works, my Final Four will be Akron, American, Arizona, and BYU. Andy picked Oklahoma, Memphis, Michigan St. (really), and Pittsburgh. But that does not compare: Akron is unbeatable. EDITORIAL NOTE: As of bracket creation time, Louisville did not have an opponent (see that garbled #1 Seed in the Midwest bracket? That's Louisville)... they were instead called "Play-In Winner." So while an Alabama St. victory over Morehead St. would change the entire demographic of the Midwest bracket, but (1) Akron would still win, and (2) the school that wins is now officially renamed "Play-In Winner." Labels: Sports
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Apparently the Netherlands has won several baseball games in the World Baseball Classic without anyone noticing. Something about those splintering cleats... In another surprise outcome, the US has won most of its bracket, even without a bullpen. Or pitching staff. Or outfield, infield, and hitting coaches. (They all play for the Caribbean.) Labels: Sports
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Poor Cardinals. Even the Audabon Society got their picks wrong: Bird Watcher's Super Bowl Picks - watch more funny videos But me? The actual bird? I'm up $10. Labels: Sports
100-yard dash, anyone? Quite the interception (for a TD) by a linebacker, wasn't that interception? Of course, most people reading this wouldn't care that much, especially since I don't know any Steelers or Cardinals fans. Only people that hate the Steelers. Which I suppose is fine, since it's only Pittsburgh anyway. 17=7, Steelers, at halftime. In other news, Bruce Springsteen did not use 3-D, disappointingly. Also, there are a LOT of Heroes commercials, all better than the current season. Labels: Sports
Super Bowl Sunday: the most gluttonous day of the year this side of Thanksgiving. Besides a few rebellious folk, EVERYONE watches for the football, the halftime show, or the commercials. The football should be a spectacle: a veteran Super Bowl bagger leading the Cardinals' West Coast offense, run by stupid short passes, versus the reborn Steel Curtain, playing football the way it should be played. If you think that I'm abandoning my principles and going against my avian kin, you obviously don't understand the food chain. Bruce Springsteen is doing halftime this year, which will likely be a step up from previous the phallus-and-nipple shows. As for those commercials: Monsters Vs. Aliens, the animated movie, gave me 3-D glasses. I plan to watch the whole game with them on, no matter how hard it is to find my salsa. Labels: Sports
Sunday, January 11, 2009
It's a good day to be a bird in football: three of the four teams left in the NFL playoffs are the Ravens, Eagles, and Cardinals. All three were supposed to lose in the first round or not even make it, and now, at least one of the teams will make the Super Bowl! One might expect me to root for the Eagles, but that is very untrue. I usually base my picks on the city each team is from, and Philadelphia (a terrible sports town--not for the quality of the fans but for the quality of their teams) has recently become much BETTER quality. SO much better, in fact, that they need to crash and burn. No city, especially places like Boston and Philadelphia, should win more than one major sports championship in a year. Baseball's Phillies already took the World Series: they absolutely cannot win the Super Bowl (I doubt the Phillies could win a football game anyway). Of course, it's never a good day to be a Blagojevich, as we found out Friday. He probably needs to pick up a new defensive coordinator in the offseason. Labels: Sports |
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