|
Americans are Americans, no matter what genre you put them in.
Aviary RSS
Blogrolololol
Archives
Spam isn't a vegetable.
|
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Repeal Day and my birthday mix well, even if I was mostly alone. I spent the day drinking hot toddies alone due to a sore throat. (Yes, birds get sore throats.) Phlegm was coming out of every hole in my beak, and that isn't healthy for a human, let alone a bird. However, we've learned in the past few decades that alcohol solves everything, and you can't ban it, unless it makes your heart explode. You can ban it then. Business-wise: I've been out of contact and not blogging, but still I should mention I've planned out a trip to Chicago for Christmas with Andy. I'll head with him and go see my parents in downstate Illinois. They're getting ready to fly a bit south. Eagles and humans have the same instincts in this way. Labels: America, Housecleaning, Sin
Monday, August 31, 2009
No one should sell Oktoberfest ales before September 1st. Period. I might love Oktoberfest beer--it's probably the best style of beer on Earth. But I cannot buy an Oktoberfest brew when the summer sun still lingers and August is still out there, saying hello. And yet there it is, on the shelf, only a block from my apartment. Oktoberfest beer in August--this is your proof of man-made climate change. Labels: Sin
Thursday, January 08, 2009
The Blogosphere is not lacking in dirty puns about this, except the Huffington Post, but we always knew she was a prude anyway. Of course, I kid you, Ariana. We know you didn't write that anyway. The struggling porn industry... actually, it's the struggling satirical magazines featuring porn industry... has asked for a bailout. (Well, that's one of them. The other's the guy who makes all the commercials.) No, the industry hasn't just asked: they have DEMANDED it, and it will not take a no with their pretty please for an answer. Internet porn has been just GIVING it away (the sluts they are... ogods, the puns!). And I'm guessing they won't get it, but at least it'll make a great story and a great movie starring David Duchovny as Larry Flynt. While they're at it, the Blogosphere could use a bailout movie deal, too.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
God, I need to spend the holidays at that mansion. Anyone got Hugh's number? Labels: Sin
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
To wrap coverage for the day, I present you with a more manageable version of that "complaint." And someone noticing what I've known all along. Plus this. Sleep well, America, the bad guys are out on bail.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
It's pronounced: bluh-GOY-ah-vich! Or maybe: blaw-GOY-yah-vich! Or, wait: blah-GOO-gah-vich! Oh hell, just call him Rod. Anyway you put it, I hope no one put Blago or Eliot Spitzer on their fantasy politics roster this year.
Blago, G-Rod, Yet-Another-Corrupt-Illinois-Governor, yes, you are restoring my faith in the politically corrupt process. People are ringing in and telling me my state is corrupt. People from places that have had mayors arrested. But that's bleeping peanuts in the Land of Lincoln and Capone. We now have the greatest political criminal of all time. It's like Abe and Al had a baby! Two years ago I said, instead of bleeping re-electing Blago (along with electing Judy Barr Topinka), we might as well bleeping re-elect George Ryan (who still has a few bleeping years left in prison). But anyone expect a bleeping valuable U.S. Senate seat to be for sale? And for Blago himself to withhold funds from Children's Memorial to get more campaign contributions? Bleeping bleep, let's re-elect THAT guy! And a blogger/commenter at Eric Zorn's "Change of Subject" blog has come up with a bleeping name for this all: Roddergate. And, finally, if you really want it, here it is. All wrapped up for you.
This morning, a date that will live in infamy--if it wasn't for the other three governors of Illinois that have been in jail--Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D - Ill.) was arrested in Chicago. (Up to the minute updates here from those bankruptcy-protected guys!) And you thought the new edition of the O.J. Simpson trial was going to be biased. The man had a 13 percent approval rating--apparently, this was low enough to get him handcuffed at 5:30 in the morning, when FBI agents are most cranky. The laundry list of complaints includes oh-so-many bribery and conspiracy charges and plenty of references to a codeword, "campaign contributions." In one move that shocked even the most cynical of Americans (me), Gov. Blagojevich allegedly tried to sell President-elect Obama's Senate seat. While being accused of a hundred other crimes. While being wiretapped. While most of the state and Legislature hated him. There are very few ways to jog away from this, Governor. The news conference with U.S. Attorney Pat Fitzgerald and the FBI director of Chicago is full of hyperbole about Lincoln "rolling over in his grave" and "Illinois being the most corrupt state--or a hell of a competitor." Maybe "hyperbole" isn't the right word: there ARE a lot of furrowed brows on TV in Chicago today. And if you wanted to actually read the criminal "complaint" (I stopped counting counts), here. At the Tribune again. Look fast! It's going away very soon! Well, maybe not for Mr. Blagojevich.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
No one ever said I didn't treat my male engineering and mathematics readers well. But can you answer how the paparazzi are measuring the surface area, please? (Poached from Dave Barry's blog. And do the British still spelling "plungeing" THAT way?) Labels: Sin
Saturday, December 06, 2008
How often do you get a bevy of cabaret girls opening your TMBG concert? And how often do you get a birthday toast? Plenty, now that Prohibition's gone, it seems! The concert we went to last night celebrated Repeal Day with free Dewar's Scotch drink tickets and a 1920's speakeasy ukelele player. Oh, and jazzy strippers. In 1933, 75 years ago yesterday, FDR repealed Prohibition with the help of Congress. We have been a better nation for it. A nation freer to sin and screw up, but also to enjoy and forget about the economic depression we were in. Andy and his mom talked after the concert. She said to him (with me in the room), "You know, your grandfather celebrated in Chicago that day, even if he never observed Prohibition." He WAS Irish, we said. Andy's mom noted that was very true. "He was on the North Side, driving a horse and cart around and rooting for the Sox." Definitely was rooting for baseball on December 5th. After a pause, she said, "You know, in 1933, that day they celebrated, he would've been 22." Same as Andy. That's probably important to him. Labels: Sin
Friday, October 24, 2008
This headline says, "Toasted Kellogg students flake at Field Museum." Just saying, there should be a statute of limitations put on pun words. Labels: Sin
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Why does no one listen to Natalie? Bernanke? Please? I listen to Natalie. See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die I say we peg the dollar to them, including Natalie and Rashida. (First watched at Cute Overload.)
Friday, September 26, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Das Boot, das cocaine. Labels: Modern Times, Sin
Somehow, I never expected drugs to be a problem for CAR RACING. I suppose it's all misleading, since it is not about steroids: it's about heroin mostly. But I really was hoping for NASCAR people to be doping. Maybe with some of those caffeine pills, or Spice? (I suppose my labels are a little misleading, too. NASCAR, a sport?)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
It's true. Bavaria's state premier Gunther Beckstein claims Germans can drive home from Oktoberfest, as long as they don't try to take those two-liter mugs with them in the trunk. Way too much for German autos on the Bahn. And did you catch the stunning journalism in the headline? "Beckstein hammered for drink driving comments." Quite clever of them (I hope they actually understand that Americanism/Englishism and didn't pull an Engrish)! And it's European, too, with the whole "drink driving" instead of "drunk." Labels: Sin
Friday, August 29, 2008
Sen. Barack Obama choose his running mate Sen. Joe Biden to make up for his weakness of inexperience, especially in foreign policy. Sen. John McCain seems to have chosen his running mate for HIS weakness: not having boobs. Alaska governor Sarah Palin is now pretty much a lock as VP for the GOP. Smart move, Johnnie: she'll certainly pick up all the votes of women who think Obama is a chauvinist pig for blatantly and legitimately beating Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY, if you forgot) to the nomination. If you think I'm being overly dry, you really don't understand the voters of this country. This is about to become the best, most inspiring, and most violent election of our lifetimes. (My Labels category "Sin" has become very popular lately.)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
It's acceptance speech night! (Also from maeembers, who should be my political drinking buddy sometime.)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Heads of colleges across America are trying to lower the drinking age to 18, suddenly giving high school seniors more reasons to proudly be arrested on their birthdays. I must speak to you college heads directly, gently, but firmly: you tweed suits do know how much fun you'll be sucking out of the college experience when you can't sneak a keg in and get your RA drunk and pantless in front of the security camera in the lobby, right? Now, to take away that mystique is the idea of this. Make us European. Yeah, that's swell: why don't we just add Beer Purity Laws while we're at it? Nazis. That was the firmness. Now the gentleness: plllleeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssse, Mr. Professors, don't give all those students more access to alcohol! Or, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaase, Dr. Awesomes, don't give them something I had to wait in agony for! Though I suppose they'll all stop asking me to buy for them. Labels: Sin
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I pined over her in Buffy and in Dr. Horrible, and fell for her in her partly self-produced and all self-written The Guild... so now I am full-fledged crushing on Felicia Day. And it's not just a "bone-her-brains-out" crush: it's a "I-will-marry-you-just-wait-'til-the-check-for-the-ring-clears" crush. Labels: General Nerdiness, Sin |
Like the Aviary?
Try Dave Barry Dave's Blog Dave's Site Dave's Columns
Chicago
Humor
Gaming
Sports
Technology
Politics
Informational
Completely Different |
