Eaglie's Aviary

Friday, August 29, 2008


Sen. Barack Obama choose his running mate Sen. Joe Biden to make up for his weakness of inexperience, especially in foreign policy. Sen. John McCain seems to have chosen his running mate for HIS weakness: not having boobs.

Alaska governor Sarah Palin is now pretty much a lock as VP for the GOP. Smart move, Johnnie: she'll certainly pick up all the votes of women who think Obama is a chauvinist pig for blatantly and legitimately beating Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY, if you forgot) to the nomination.

If you think I'm being overly dry, you really don't understand the voters of this country. This is about to become the best, most inspiring, and most violent election of our lifetimes.

(My Labels category "Sin" has become very popular lately.)

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Ish Wash Fun

I likt 'ish WHHHOLE convenshon thingie 'n' espeshially the end were I heart the hopenchange fer milliions. 'N'drank aLOT. I think my drink wash too shtronk. Or shmaybe it wash the fithh ginentonic. Sho g'nite and shee ya a'thhe Goppers Convenshon! Peach!


Tonight, We Party

It's acceptance speech night!

(Also from maeembers, who should be my political drinking buddy sometime.)

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In Between Politics...

...there are T-shirts both cute and INCREDIBLY nerdy.

(Courtesy of maeembers.)

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Democratic Huggies

Tell me this wasn't the best thing the Illinois Democratic Party has done: the Democrats from the Prairie State hugged. A lot. Some of them without using knives.

We're a one-party state really. The Republicans have always been too moderate to matter, and even the moderates have been swept under the carpetbag since 2006. So it's the Democrats that run against each other, and bitter feuds surface.

But for a brief, shining, fluffy moment, we made all our politicians look dumb on a whole different level. Here's waiting for the "gay" comments.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Made from Pure Pink Ironwood

If I was ever looking for a shield to show my pride above the mantle...

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Democratic Convention a Mile High and Too Freaking Long

I was about to fly to the Democratic Convention when I sat back down on my couch and flipped on Veronica Mars instead. Excellent mystery show, set in high school, on DVD to buy. From what I did see, the convention was a great kickoff into who Obama is, why he's running, and why he stole the answers last week to Neptune High's world history quiz. (Busted!)

The auditory device of the night was the parallel to the Kennedy family, and Barack's full-blown Martha's Vineyard picture was painted. Nearly everyone that night noted and renoted the senator's similarities to JFK and to Ted Kennedy.

Barack's wife did it as she was speaking, along with another hot mama and politician (who I believe broke the mold, that vixen). Teddy Kennedy, not among the hot mamas speaking, still spoke to much applause for his defiance of his life-threatening and crippling disease.

Not much else happened, so we'll just have to continue to watch the delegates dance and cheer and wave for their heroes. Maybe Johnnie Kennedy will will himself back on that Democratic stage, to show us how to come back from the dead for just one more rowsing speech.


Monday, August 25, 2008

Happiness Is Two Lists in Two Days

With the end of the Olympics comes a long depression until the next Olympics, held the wellspring biome of happiness, the tundra. Bonus points for when they're in the RUSSIAN tundra in 2014.

And that heavy-handed lead spirals me into a discussion of an unscientific survey/study/thing-a-ma-bob: this list of happiness rankings. Us Americans don't get much love from it, but we'll live with it and our free speech and widening gap between the rich and the poor.

But why no enlightened Tibet? Why no blond-bombshelled Sweden? And where the fuck are the Christmas Islands? We head to the CIA World Factbook to check up on all the suspicious contenders. Some of them seem... less than adequate, happiness-wise:

10. Austria - This is a typo.
9. Canada - They still have a queen?! Britain's queen? Not even their own queen? I'm sorry: all the Stanley Cup beer bongs in the world wouldn't cheer me up from that.
8. The Netherlands - National and medicinal capital Amsterdam certainly refutes any argument I could make here. The only question is, why only eighth?
7. Switzerland - I don't know how to support this choice, one way or the other.
6. Ireland - Definitely a surprising choice for a place that sings Danny Boy too much. However, I'm guessing the survey counted all the Irish OUTSIDE the country, including the millions in Boston, Chicago, and the New York archdiocese.
5. Northern Ireland (pictured left) - The dark horse and Black Irish of the list is the home of the Black-and-Tan patrols and tire-iron terrorists. At least a decade ago: now it's demilitarized, Protty paramilitary and the IRA's handed in all their weapons, and the country is now very pea--OH, GOD, THERE GOES ANOTHER CHEVY!!!
4. Iceland - I thought surveys were supposed to to negate the margin of error by counting MORE than the one odd mushroom farmer.
3. Colombia - (See The Netherlands, but with more jitters and mouth foaming.)
2. Puerto Rico - Pero tu eres un parte de los Estados Unidos pero no eres un estado? Tu eres estupido? Que? Recibes Medicaid y no pagas la renta? Tu eres muy inteligente!
1. Denmark - (Insert morally ambiguous, mentally anguishing, revenge-driven soliloquy here.)

And what's up with the Eskimos on that first page?


Sunday, August 24, 2008

It's the End of the Olympics

The Olympics sadly end today, bringing an end to Americans sitting on their couches, scratching their heads at inane-looking sports and spouting ethnic slurs. Overexertion-a-mundo! So we probably need to give you a highlight reel:
  • China won the gold medal count, the first time many Americans have seen American lose in that category. Never fear though: CNN and every red-blooded American network counted the total medals as the 1st-place decider, putting America on top. FOX even counted the number of medals America stole away from China through upsets, robbings, and threatenings.

  • The 2008 American Dream Team won gold, but some say it was Spain's to lose, pero ese es una mentira.

  • A Kenyan won the marathon event for the first time. Mostly because they've been in marathons in other parts of the world usually, winning crateloads of money instead of silly gilded medallions.

  • After clamoring from their respective fans, the titans Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt began a great race, water versus land. Then, after Bolt began to attack Phelps with static charges from his fists, Phelps attacked with a tsunami and chirped like a porpoise in victory. Bolt survived the attack and countered. The two fought through the night, Chinese military helpless to stop them from wrecking the city: thousands were hurt as the Chinese government released a statement about a minor nuclear mishap.

  • Russia and Georgia are still fighting, somewhere in some obscure corner of that country. Georgia did not want to give up two of its bronze and one gold medal as part of the peace agreement.

  • And then there's Cuban's great Tae Kwan Do master, the picture of calmness and a model of the discipline the sport embodies.

  • As per the opening ceremony, the closing ceremony paraded the one great asset of China: ant-like manpower used to build human pyramids.

  • A London double-decker bus came to pick up the Olympic flag, torch, etc. Then it transformed into Beckham-bot. He proceeded to take the symbolic soccer ball, then swear to protect it with his life. Bolt and Phelpsilla ganged up on him, and he handily defeated both. Beckham's spark died in the fight, though, protecting a young girl who now carried the All-Ball to London. "There is hope left for humanity," he said. "If you keep this safe, Great Britain."

  • NBC announcers noted the handover was reminiscent of the Hong Kong transfer, only it was from China to Britain this time (and barring the giant robot scenario). Interesting note about history.

  • In the spirit of all the records being broken, here's this.

And the Games are closed! See you guys in London (no one cares about Canada's winter games)!

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Biden His Time

I have been quiet about the vice presidential media blitz Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama created. First, we were going to learn about it via text message (which everyone above the age of 30 thought was weird and which I promptly ignored). Speculation hit the ground running. Then, the Associated Press told us.

It's going to be Joe Biden, a man with a thousand cheerful name puns available for signs (see my headline), a man with a dorky haircut, and a man who is very much not Hillary Clinton.

What this will mean to the race is that Obama has chosen a white man with a lot of credentials but who is still a white man--a slap in the face to everyone out there who wanted him to pick someone more himself: in other words, an Obama-Hallway Mirror ticket. Obama deliberately disappointed those supporters' narcissistic dreams.

What does this mean for Democratic Party, the coming Obama administration, and the world? Again, think of the signs!


Beijing Update!

Ireland has two medals total (bronze). Both are in boxing. Surprised?


Friday, August 22, 2008

This Is an Outrage Against Ducks!

However, the Aussies are still the most eloquent people on the planet.

(Alerted by Google News Feed.)


Thursday, August 21, 2008

They Better Have Cameras

I want tickets for this political party. Now.



Please don't suck me back in. I cannot afford to lose my soul in the ice again.

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For all Felicia Day-jobbers* out there.

*-Brand new idiom.


Eaglie Olympic Update

There's a sprint with the fitting last name, Bolt. Normally I'd have trouble guessing what ethnicity the name belonged to without a "-ski" or "-son" or "Mc-", but... he's a runner.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Today Is Just Full of Stuff to Post About!

Red Alert 3 excited me. Now, I am giddy:

Tim Curry, Evil Sulu, the Editor-in-Chief of Daily Bugle FTW in FMV... jeez, they deserve an IMDB page.

(From Larke, my gaming informant.)


And in Another Bit of Education News...

Heads of colleges across America are trying to lower the drinking age to 18, suddenly giving high school seniors more reasons to proudly be arrested on their birthdays.

I must speak to you college heads directly, gently, but firmly: you tweed suits do know how much fun you'll be sucking out of the college experience when you can't sneak a keg in and get your RA drunk and pantless in front of the security camera in the lobby, right? Now, to take away that mystique is the idea of this. Make us European. Yeah, that's swell: why don't we just add Beer Purity Laws while we're at it? Nazis.

That was the firmness. Now the gentleness: plllleeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssse, Mr. Professors, don't give all those students more access to alcohol! Or, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaase, Dr. Awesomes, don't give them something I had to wait in agony for!

Though I suppose they'll all stop asking me to buy for them.


Continuing with the Violence Theme Today

Another game with the word "WAR" in the title is coming out! Or, at least its trailer!

(Sent by Larke.)


Another One of Those Homecooked Great Ideas of Texas

I can't even describe this one, so I'll let the LOLs do it for me:

Maybe I'll be less speechless in a week.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Dave's Back from the Olympics

But I'm still covering it, from a city in possible Olympic contention (almost as good as Beijing)! A point for me! So... uh... where to start...

The Chinese won a heart-pounding match in gymnastics through questionable tiebreaking system, reigniting a lot of the old prejudices of American railroad tycoons and California prospectors.

The US Dream Team, known as the Redeem Team by self-congratulatingly clever newsmen, pounded Spain and Germany in recent matches, making the rest of the world forget all about those powerhouse Spanish and German basketball players.

The rest of the world (and I) also neglected to notice Spain won the world basketball championships a year ago. Spain was not surprised by any means.

Currently (and probably until the end of the Olympics), China has earned more gold medals than the US. In retaliation, Michael Phelps is being installed in Poland.

(Special note: I made a bet with Andy that I could fit in two references to California prospectors in one week. I made $10 plus his first gold medal if he wins one in anything. Good deal!)


Monday, August 18, 2008

"Still a Dirty Old Man's Game" and Other Olympian Musings

I would like to note that our gymnists are still dominating the airwaves with their butts, yet the Romanian (18-year-old!) floor exercise gold medalist's (in the middle and a little down) was pretty welcome, too.

The pink... thing Nastia Liukin was wearing the other day made me realize that only Americans are audacious enough to wear something so NOT their country's colors.

In non-gymnastics news or lusting, Jamaica and the United States in an eight-woman final 100m had six of the slots. Three each. We learned during a break for quick profiles of each US runner that one of them was a Jamaican immigrant. It wasn't really a surprise at that point.

Jamaicans won all three medals. Which ones is another question.

In other news, Michael Phelps did the impossible and won the presidency of Zimbabwe AND Pakistan. A new world record.


I REALLY Hope I'm the First Blog to Make the Joke

You used 20 bullets and shot 6,000 pounds of food, but could only carry 200 pounds of food back. If you continue hunting in this area, food will become scarce.

(Note: "6,000 pounds" comes from an estimate based on Wikipedia's "adult bison weight" range... I took the mean of that times 4.)


Norway: Land of Tundra-ic Opportunity and Apparently an Outmoded Aristocracy

Wait, this is what the Norwegian military is doing with its time? Not knighting me? Sir Eaglie? This is the problem with the world: not enough people are paying attention to birds, and when they do, it's the Norwegians with a penguin.

I sound bitter, so let me say this: Nils Olav isn't such a bad bird. Met him once, and we discussed the weather. This didn't last long, since it was winter, and I live in the Midwest--and he lives in freakin' Norway.

Again with the Viking hate? I apologize, and extend congrats to you, Sir Nils. I'll see you at the convention in January.

(From Pacman, God bless him. Picture link from Cute Overload.)


Friday, August 15, 2008

Gymnastics: Realm of Teenagers and Dirty Old Russian Coaches

I stared at Shawn Johnson's butt the whole time, the nice tautness and the subtle toning... then I stared at Nastia Liukin's wonderful pinkness the rest of the time. Then I was revolted. Then I was informed, don't worry, Shawn's 19. While Liukin is 18 (that's workable!), I discovered that Shawn Johnson's age was a lie (she's 16). I was lied to.

I now feel ambivalent toward the sport.


Thursday, August 14, 2008


They found him. Maybe. We can get back to the more important, feel-good freaks.

(Are you really surprised by what news source the Bigfoot article came from?)


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Watertight Logic at Work

I would say that Michael Phelps has mutated a few extra limbs, but I suspect that would slow him down in the water, so I'm going to say that he probably made all the other swimmers mutate extra limbs to slow THEM down.

As it stands, every single Western news agency lists the medal standings in order of total medals (#1 United States!) and every single other news agency (mostly Chinese) lists the medal standings in terms of gold medals (#1 California Prospectors!).

That has been your Eaglie Olympic Update.


Dozens Protest! Mass Hysteria!

Lightning and Tropic Thunder! Poor Ben Stiller: there's no love (or hate) for him from the NAACP, but the unexpected reaction from the mentally handicapped vote is not doing the Jew any favors. Thankfully, it remains small and awkwardly mobile, at least according to this headline.

Key Quote: ...DOZENS!... Really! Dozens!


Monday, August 11, 2008

They're Handy with Sabers... Yeah, I Went There!

Three button-cute American swashbucklers swept the women's individual saber competition in Beijing! Couldn't have happened in a better-armed sport! For more on fencing, go here (and for more things he's not making up, here).


Never Go Hungry Again

As soon as I heard about the invasion of Georgia, I mailed crates of food to support the democratic government of Georgia. Today, those boxes reached Atlanta. The AKs are on their way to Savannah.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

I Am Beyond Help... Except from HER

I pined over her in Buffy and in Dr. Horrible, and fell for her in her partly self-produced and all self-written The Guild... so now I am full-fledged crushing on Felicia Day. And it's not just a "bone-her-brains-out" crush: it's a "I-will-marry-you-just-wait-'til-the-check-for-the-ring-clears" crush.

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Saturday, August 09, 2008

Poor Bernie Mac

Why so poor? Besides the fact that he died, there's this little in-game in-joke that I made at his expense:

My name for the black sorcerer from Diablo I. Even I feel bad about that one (now).


Friday, August 08, 2008

Ni Hao from Us!

Cabbage-Patch mascots roam the land freely, which means we're about to kick off Aviary Olympic coverage, which means I'm going to type a lot of snide remarks about the other snide remarks others are typing about the hard reporting coming out of Red China. What can I say? I'm a perennial tertiary source.

Notice the "Red China." Why so embarrassed, China? Ha ha! Horrible pun, but I'm sure Karl Marx saw it coming a mile away.

Jeez, I just can't get STARTED with this article. But we can get started with Team USA! And its Chicago connections! Like how we're all going to worship the lovely Naperville basketball goddess Candace Parker and then blog about her performance online if, you know, Red China allows us to actually blog ANYTHING. The Western media gets such a bum wrap for its hyper and hyper-gluttonous ways.

No! Olympics! No politics! I really am doing bad with this. No attention span today--

--Did you know today, Opening Ceremonies Day, is 08/08/08? Those are nine "rings" in that date! Not the five rings, like the Olympics! Where'd the extra--

--I'm like a fly to a flame and then to a bigger flame two feet away and a bigger one three more away and a fluorescent bulb just up and to the left--

--rings come from? They couldn't have added new ones. This being Red China's year and all, why would they rock the boat?--

--a fire-and-lightbulb-seeking fly, that's what I am today. I hope you and the rest of the world isn't like this when NBC reruns the Opening Ceremonies in a few hours--

--as for sports a little closer to home and FAR more interesting. Take a look. You won't argue--

--which might even give you a little culture.



Germany is sizes ahead of us.

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Thursday, August 07, 2008

Eat It, Jack London

The unlikeliest can all learn to play together, especially if your homeland is frickin' freezing.

As another note, the group studying this phenomenon, the National Institute for Play, would be a first choice to be at as a scientist. Must be videogames and office baseball (with meeting memo balls) 9-5.

(From Cute Overload.)


Wednesday, August 06, 2008

I Thought They Were Already Over, the Way We've Been Hearing 'Bout Them

GOD, can't those Olympics just start already? I have baseball to care about.

And in a World Humorist Gesture, I will be blogging and writing updates on the Olympics as well. Though probably not from China, unless I can stow away REALLY quickly.


Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Harry Potter and the World's Imminent Collapse

A while ago, the economy went to hell, and along with it, a whole lot of petrodollars. The job market's shot, and inflation is, well, inflation. But why?

I think I have the answer. And it is fixable. What happened a year ago when the Dow-Jones really began falling and all of us began losing our jobs (except me, Eaglie... never had a job, never will)?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The Seventh and Last Book. The End to End all Endy Ends. We illustrate the aftermath:

(Graph from Dow-Jones Indexes. Really.)

What could the world do after that? Let the dollar RISE?! Ha! The decay of the job market, stocks, and a black man getting past the presidential primaries... it ALL happened at once. The world might never be the same.

There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. We have the answer to allay our imminent demise, and we have J.K. Rowling to thank next December with her newest book in the series.

Then the whole cyclical thing starts over again.

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Sunday, August 03, 2008

Notes from Lollapalooza

Guess you didn't realize I was at Loolapalooza this weekend! Though I should clarify that I was not actually INSIDE Lollapalooza, due to cheapness and lack of interest in losing my wallet. I was downloading the songs the old fashioned way... on the lawn across the street, just within earshot. Music piracy needs to get back to its lounging roots, seriously.
  • I can say that Flogging Molly, as usual, was its brogue-ish self. I'm a sucker for boys with accents. Not that I'm gay for the Irish or anything.

  • Shout-out to Friend of the Blog Jordan who was run into and who promptly ran off to another concert because she actually HAD tickets.

  • Kanye West began his set with some smoke, searchlights, camera flashes, and the first few bars of that "Work It" song. Then he launched into a new song. Not many lesser egos can get away with that tease.

That's it for my Lolla-Blogging. Maybe another year I'll Twitter it!


Saturday, August 02, 2008


The ever-clever creative watchdog CNN has taken an interest in the cleverness of video gamers.

(From the Escapist.)


Friday, August 01, 2008


Someday, I promise I'll go to Comic-Con and cover it and find the woman (on the right) of my dreams.

Maybe next year.