Eaglie's Aviary

Monday, March 31, 2008

A Town of Cynical Optimists*

An ESPN contributor gave a prediction yesterday: the Cubs will beat the Indians to claim the 2008 World Series trophy. He did this all without a smirk.

Only a man unversed in rooting for the Cubs could dream of a situation they could win. Cubs fans' dreams go as far as the bottom of the eighth, when the American League victor invariably scores seven runs off two Cubs errors. For some reason, all those dreams end the same, and we have exactly 100 years of those dreams behind us.

The last time the Cubs won a World Series was before Prohibition (a sad state of affairs to come AFTER the last time the Cubs won), before the Titanic sank (an omen), and a little before the first time Kerry Wood injured his elbow.

Vegas tells us the betting odds. Reality tells us the real odds. Generations of fans have died without seeing a Cubs victory. We are the cynical optimists.

How are we optimistic, though? We sound like the puppy left out in the rain that grows up and joins a pack of vicious wild dogs to escape the horrible loneliness. All the other vicious wild dogs eventually get adopted, and we're stuck as the lone wild dog, out in the rain again. At this point, we're violent, and we hate people, losing, and mailmen. Yet the puppy in us still comes out when we see that plate of spaghetti left out for us in the alley behind Tony's.

We still cheer, we still go to games, and we never totally give up. It's the opposite of a Hollywood film: we know the ending, but we still think it's possible we’ll pull it off and the good guys will win.

Optimism comes in different forms than a trophy. We're one of the few original baseball teams left. We still have Wrigley Field, named Wrigley Field. And we're better than the Sox AND Cardinals this year. So there will always be something to be thankful for.

Happy Opening Day and Anniversary, my beautiful Cubs and Cubs fans!

Cubs Fan

* - This article can be sung to Steve Goodman's tune, A Dying Cubs Fan's Last Request


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Spiritual Assault and Battery? That's a Much Cooler Title, Eaglie

Sorry, but we've been on hiatus, and will continue the hiatus until Sunday night. This is a spear-it-tual battery.

In the meantime, NBC is in trouble.

And in thinking about women:

(Discovery article off the Google wire, video from Larke.)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Another Proof that the Last Decade Has Put Satirists out of the Job

Seriously? Really? C'mon. Really? Jack Kevorkian? In the House?

Humor is truth, truth is humor, and WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL?! (Notice, Lent is over, and I can use that word again.)

(First heard on the grapevine, a credible source.)


Monday, March 24, 2008

And an Easter Sunday Follow-Up

Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday... following suit, this should be hereby be known as Lazy Monday--the day after Easter. And I am serious, which you can tell because that wasn't very funny.

Now for the funny part of my post today:

(From Larke, whom knows very well it is one of those 365 OTHER days of the year this time.)


Sunday, March 23, 2008

And the Catholic swoops in to balance out the pagan's post

And some of it with a SciFi writer's conversion story!

(From the Curt Jester, a Catholic blog.)


Happy Easter!

And now for the appropriate inappropriate story.

(From Larke.)


Saturday, March 22, 2008

Did Spitzer Live on the East or West Egg?

Great Theft Gatsby: you achieve the American Dream, have the biggest house in New York, and pick up plenty of prostitutes. Yet there's only one whore you truly want.


(Seen on Kotaku.)


Policing the Internet's Sense of Humor

So much wasted potential in this video...



I feel a little zombie survival knowledge is appropriate for Easter.

And of course it's hosted by BBC in its encyclopedia entitled "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."


South Park Is the Finest Satire on Television

The media knows how to miss the point. E! Online wrote an article summarizing last Wednesday's episode known to them only for how "Britney, Miley Toon In to South Park" (the name of the article).

...the episode not only skewered Spears as the Comedy Central show had done with Tom Cruise and Marilyn Manson before...

While E! acknowledged the moral of the story (barely) after that clause, they didn't pick up on the fact that the show was ENTIRELY not making fun of Britney. It WAS entirely about public and media perceptions of her.

This is why Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park are the finest satirists alive: they are the only comedy program to come out on the side of the whiny boy who cried into the camera, "Leave Britney alone!" No other comedian or satirist did that. Even I am guilty of taking Britney on and not the media hounds who might seriously kill her. And it totally confounded one news agency.

"Make fun of society as a whole? Leave someone's personal life out of the limelight? Attack institutions?" Totally un-American, they say! Except it's not, as America is probably the only culture in history that has comedy and satire based around the quote at the beginning of this paragraph.

Further proving the media's inability to pay attention, E! messed up the boys' names:

After learning of the hefty payday that results from such an embarrassing amateur snap, Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny pass themselves off as Spears' sons and a squirrel, respectively...

Kenny did not make any appearance in this episode: Butters was the squirrel. SILLY MEDIA!

Now, Matt and Trey: keep going. You're the best out there.

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Friday, March 21, 2008

Not To Be a Fanboy but...

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Five Years as of Yesterday--Hooray!

I know yesterday was the actual five-year anniversary of the beginning of the current Iraq War, but I still felt like posting about it. It has been five years since the first bombs dropped, the first night footage leaked, the first reporters parachuted in for propagandizing reasons, and the anti-war movement moved onto a war footing.

So to summarize that fateful date, I present a classic video of the terrorist sometimes known as "Zarqawi," a video totally made long after the war supposedly ended and the mission was accomplished:


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

ThinkGeek, the Cool Place to Shop

Best T-shirt ever.

(From rdtj23.)


How Can We Be Expected to Be That Alert?

I didn't even get the number of passes right.

(From alert friends of the blog, emilyk and adronai.)


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

By Which Is Meant a Yearlong Blackout

Before they all go into hibernation, read up on them!

(Through Colbert Nation.)


A Tragic Loss, One So Tragic I Can Barely Comprehend It

Rest in peace, Arthur C. Clarke, and maybe you too will become a space baby.

(Every website on the Internet gets credited for this.)


Sen. McCain Vs. The McRib

Here's an intriguing connection I've never made before, which I do not think says much.

(Through Google Reader, a wonderful new/old tool I've discovered.)


Far Cry from Folsom, Ain't It?

Yesterday's Muppets post led me to a new link:


Sad But Wholly True

Hey, I just found a picture that sums up my entire Internet history: here!

(Sent by rdtj23.)


Monday, March 17, 2008

News in Brief: Longtime Saint Upset

St. Patrick Confused by Movement of Feast Day

DUBLIN - The patron saint of Ireland and snake-whacking St. Patrick expressed dismay over the movement of his feast day in a statement released today.

While acknowledging "the terrible debauchery and property destruction" St. Patrick's Day causes every year, the former bishop had harsh words for the Catholic Church.

"Moving my [expletive] day? My day?" Patrick said. "How do you get off on moving a [expletive] saint's day, [Pope Benedict XVI]? When did you get all high and [expletive] mighty?"

Due to an early Holy Week for Catholics, the earliest for the next 200 years, the Church moved the Feast of St. Patrick to March 15th instead of its usual date, March 17th.

"The Church might be [expletive] infallible once in a [expletive] while," Patrick said. "But my [expletive] feast is not [expletive] Easter or, God knows, Pentecost! It's a spe-[expletive]-ific day! Why not move [expletive] Easter anyway?"

The Vatican has not responded.


Happy Real St. Patrick's Day!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Japanese Are Weeeeeird

They sure know how to teach counting though.

(Blatantly stolen from Cute Overload.)

Friday, March 14, 2008

If the Samuel Beckett Joke Gets You the Most, You Might Just Be an English Major

More for St. Paddy's Day, this time a highlights reel from The Onion.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Cliche, Classic Toasts Are Toasts Nonetheless

Also, to top my long day off, a toast. A classic one. In fact, you might call it a proverb.

Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night. Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"

I Always Knew They'd Get the Crate First

[Insert another Worms 2/Armageddon joke here.]

(Via Dave Barry.)


Irish People, Unexpectedly

None of these surprised me, but it was still a good read in preparation for the BIG DAY!

Speaking of McCartney's song "Give Ireland Back to the Irish," the worst lyrics ever to grace my iTunes ARE in that song, but not what they list,

Great Britain and all the people
Say that all people must be free.
Meanwhile back in Ireland,
There's a man who looks like me...

The worst lyrics are actually adjacent,

And he dreams of God and country
And he's feeling really bad...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Spitzer Girl Identified, Checked out, Frisked, Oiled, Drooled on

It is a great day when a politician gives papers (and me) the right to print pictures of hot girls in bikinis and label it "Politics."

The funniest thing is, the AP wants me to pay for use of those pictures when I could instead just copy and paste off MySpace... which just made me think: AP has a MySpace account?


About the Spitzer Resignation/Scandal/Hullaballoo

I was not interested in this political mess. Another sex scandal involving a cheating Democrat or gay Republican? Until I realized the correlation with a news story from a few days ago.

New York: What did your state expect when someone in it bans Danny Boy? GOOD LUCK?!?!

Off in other lands but on a similar subject, I fully expect Michigan's governor to be reelected 14 more times.

P.S. The final part of the scandal that interested me: presenting the lieutenant governor of New York, the man replacing our friend Gov. Spitzer.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Need I Say More?

(From Kotaku.)

Monday, March 10, 2008

Danny Boy Crying Is a Necessary Evil

During my tireless thirst and subsequent journey for Irish wisdom, I found this. Now I'm all for celebration and getting rid of the saddess, piercing it with the funny and raucous songs. But crying to Danny Boy is one of the most traditional parts of St. Paddy's Week and is in fact necessary Irish masculine bonding. Why not use quotas? Really?

It's in New York? Well, then, those sissies can decide to get rid of their sadness however they want.

(From this LiveJournal, by some freak named Haddayr.)

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Again Burying the Lead

The Milkman loses the fight to the Physicist!

(Thank me later for the idea, Whedon or Moore. Give me credit.)

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Toast Are Allowed to Be Cheesy

Eighty for my Dad

Eighty years and way more than eighty cheers:
That is Ernest F. Dost,
The Frederick Ernst Dost,
Man of pragmatism:
Fair until it comes out our darned ears.

But still no Cubs' championship, damn curse,
In how many years you’ve gone?
The Oscars, only got
A whole month on you, but
You always know it could be a lot worse.

What was Ron Reagan doing at your age?
Bet it wasn't ten miles
Bikin' the ol' Salt Creek,
He aimed those MXs,
Could’ve had another fam'ly this stage.

"My grandpa? No, he's just my dad, ov'rall,
Silver-haired daddy of mine."
Doesn't need a wheelchair.
So, eine prosit, Vater,
And a Gemutlichkeit to us all.

Friday, March 07, 2008

WATCHING Too Much Is Creepy

And since you're all just WATCHING this site, waiting for some sort of WATCHFUL work by me and Eaglie, I'll give you something much more WATCHFUL than you'd expect, and cooler!

WATCHMEN pics! Ozymandias looks great! And Eaglie tells me he looks like a pussy. Damn Comedian/Rorschach fanboi.


Update from Andy

Blogging will be light for the next few days. It is the beginning of St. Paddy's Week, and Eaglie's already on the floor, in and out of consciousness, coiled into fetal-position, and screaming about the Great Puce-and-Gold Monster (awake or not). I think some of the world's green food dye should be recalled.

Oh, and it's my Dad's 80th birthday. So I will be busy with that, and keeping Eaglie from eating his thumbs.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

And the Packers Are Just That

I realize I might have to retract my earlier glee regarding Mr. Favre's retirement. Like roaches, they always come back if you're too happy when you thought them dead.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

CNN Is My Go-To for Apocalyptic Literature

Hey! A couple more months of Democrats bickering is cool, right? Not like CNN's got anything better to report on, right?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008


I totally forgot there were still primaries! I thought I had already called this thing and put it in the bag!

Clinton won Ohio.
Obama will probably win Vermont.
Texas is still undecided and being stupid.
McCain won everything, both hands tied behind his back.

Anyone keeping track of my "McCain's upper extremities" jokes?


Here's to Hoping

I will not speak too soon--no jinxing it--but I will anyway! Yay!

(Through the grapevine and RSS Feeds.)

The PM Was Named after HIM

And this was a requirement to post (I like the picture). The little rattie even adorably has his own blog!

(From Dave Barry.)


From a Website Called PositiveAtheism.Org

While I am still too lazy (AKA I am writing other things, or my brain is on Spring Break, negating everything else), I post some Mark Twain.

Smart guy, he was.


Hey, Andy, It's Your Theme Song!

But in German!

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Sunday, March 02, 2008

I Like It

I've been debating new mottoes for the blog... I have a few ideas, but I need to find a happy balance of the worlds the Aviary reports and comments on.

I was thinking, "De Quodlibet," or "About Whatever."

(The source of that phrase is from Ruth Karras' book, From Boys to Men, about something totally different than this blog.)

Spring Break Is the Future!

YourFuture@disneyworld.com to me
Subject: Greetings from your Future!

So this was the email I got yesterday. One, I am scared because it is from THE Future. Two, I am scared because it is from MY Future. Third, well, it gave me a lot of weird dreams and nightmares, as so:

Thanks to Larke and Rocky for scaring me alertly sending this to me through automated picture programs at Disney World. I hate and love you both.

And is surfing THAT popular in the Future?