Eaglie's Aviary

Saturday, November 20, 2004

To the Pacman: the state you're in is crazy.
To the rest of us: we're all crazy. Crazy as loons.

Both from hoosiergazette.com

Hostettler mounting campaign to change the name of Interstate 69
By August Wayne, THG News

John Hostettler, the Congressman representing the 8th district of Indiana, has been convinced by local religious groups to introduce legislation in the House that would change the name of an Interstate 69 extension to a more moral sounding number.

There are plans to extend the interstate from Indianapolis through southwestern Indiana all the way through Texas into Mexico in the coming years. While most believe this highway will be good for the state’s economy, religious conservatives believe “I-69” sounds too risqué and want to change the interstate’s number.

Hostettler, a proponent of the interstate extension, agrees. “Every time I have been out in the public with an ‘I-69’ button on my lapel, teenagers point and snicker at it. I have had many ask me if they can have my button. I believe it is time to change the name of the highway. It is the moral thing to do.”

As a matter of fact, naming the highway’s extension I-69 is a violation of the Interstate Highway System’s rules for numbering roads. Interstates numbers are to increase from west to east. If the extension through southern Indiana is named I-69, then 69 will be west of I-65, a direct violation.

“Naming the road I-63 not only follows numbering guidelines, it doesn’t have the sexual undertones that I-69 has,” says Hostettler, “It is a win-win situation.”

The change will more than likely be introduced in committee when Congress convenes after the first of the year.

Damn those teenagers! Thinking of what the numbers 10, 11, and 01 mean all the time!

Hehehehe. "69." Even more meaning than 42.

Indiana University study: “Dave” worst baby name
By Edward Seelbach

The social psychology department at Indiana University-Bloomington recently released the results of a twenty-year study of the effects different first names have on the psychological development of human males. The results were published in the December edition of Psychology Today, a leading magazine in the field.

In 1983, IU psychologists began studying eight year-old boys in Indiana of the same race, religion, family structure, and socio-economic status in their attempt to determine if a person’s name was a major factor in their psychological growth and development. The study ended in February. All the boys observed as part of the study are now 28 years old.

After several months of looking at data from the study, researchers say evidence shows that certain names almost always doom a child to mediocrity.

Dr. Ethan K. Shireman, leader of the study, said that one name caused children and young adults the most psychological damage. “The worst name you can give a child is ‘David’ due to the negative nicknames derived from it,” said Shireman.

It seems that “David” is not a bad name if one can keep it from being shortened to the shorter “Dave” version.

“Our research has shown that the friends of young men named ‘Dave’ add an insulting adjective prior to the name over 98% of the time. This has made our state, and I imagine the country as a whole, full of boys named ‘Crazy Dave’, ‘Dirty Dave’, ‘Drunk Dave’ or ‘Dumb Dave’. These boys, all of normal intelligence and good family backgrounds, unconsciously live up to these destructive monikers,” said Shireman.

People named “Dave” had more traffic accidents, drinking problems, arrests, and exhibited juvenile behavior more often than boys of any other name during the twenty-year study. Daves also performed poorly in school and on standardized tests, limiting their choice of colleges and their future earning potential.

Shireman encourages all parents to think long and hard before choosing a name for their babies. “Avoid the name David at all costs unless you want to set your child up for failure.” Other names Shireman warns against are Darryl, Dirk, Donnie, and Bruce.

Note the last sentence about other bad names? Poor Darryl.

Hey, he's living in Indiana right now, isn't he?

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Eaglie's kinda bitter with America right now. But it doesn't mean I won't stop fighting. Read on.

Alaska oil drilling back on agenda

God help us if you Republicans win that fight.

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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Well, I just realized America has spoken.

It has called for a hero (if unknowingly), and that hero is not George W. Bush.

Will a hero answer the call to fight for Life, Liberty, and, most importantly, the Pursuit of Happiness?

We shall see.

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So, the Aviary's senior (and only) analyst (me, of course), after rubbing the sleepy bugs out of his eyes, decides to part with the TV and computer for a few hours... perhaps to rest or perhaps to sleep until he gets up at an ungodly hour to write a paper he should've been doing all night.

Bush is winning in popular polls as I type, and has the advantage after CNN declared him the winner of Nevada, meaning that the ante is upped on Ohio. And so, with all hungry lawyer eyes on Ohio, the state has become the new Florida, prompting Cubs fans to hate Ohio even more.

As for Illinois, Alan Keyes was found in an alley beaten by a mob of angry black people, all coming from the lower, middle, and upper classes. Apparently, when ambulances arrived for a black man in critical condition, they were surprised to find Keyes. He was promptly denied care, and has reportedly begun his journey back to Maryland, crawling with his one arm that was not broken in more than five places. We wish you luck, Alan!

And in a correction of an earlier statement: enjoy election month.

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Bush 249 - Kerry 242

Well, even though Ohio looks ready to fall to Bush, the above seems to be the standing score for the night. Surprise surprise, it's undecided as of yet, and currently, people are turning out in droves to pay up to their bookies as we speak.

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Enjoy election week, folks.

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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

George W Bush currently has a lead of 207-199... making this an insanely close race. California and Washington closed the very large gap Democrats were really worried about.

In other news, the total firebombs is 34. I guess a few guys got held up slashing Keyes' tires.

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Still looking at the election, at least Illinois voters haven't fallen for Keyes. We are still actually tallying how many firebombs have gone off at his campaign headquarters.

Bush currently leads... though we still have many more states to go (along with California).

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Welcome to VoteNest Central, the Aviary's election nucleus. Once in a while, we may provide a humorous statement, or a "GO GO OBAMA" (which is in order as of this minute), but mostly, I'll just write at the end of the night, when I have finished getting beaten up by Bush fans (this will happen no matter the outcome).

As of this moment, Kerry is projected winner of Illinois (homestate, w00t w00t!) and Obama seems to have hammered Keyes into the ground (the most important story of the night).

I think I'll keep you up to date on how badly Keyes gets completely fucked. That'll be entertaining. Remember, we're shooting for more than a 40% difference (the state record).

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