Eaglie's Aviary

Friday, February 29, 2008

Happy Leap Year, Leap Day, Leap Hour!

Today is Leap Day, the day women propose to men, turning the world completely on its head...


Ho hum...

No? No takers? Damn.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dude, What's up with My Template

If you hadn't noticed, Andy's doing some edits to the site. Eventually they'll all be streamlined along with a new page layout.

I hope. Andy's lazy.

In the Meantime, Read This:

The Oasis... I Sees It...

All I need to live is the Internet and coffee... the Internet and coffee... the Internet and coffee...


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Buckleysaurus Would Probably Be a Compliment

Conservative author and intellectual William F. Buckley Jr. has died... and the Tribune used the adjective "reptilian"?

It fits.


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

More Alcohol-Related Paraphernalia

Another post? To another link? Say it's so, Eaglie! Say it's so!

It's so.

(Also by rdtj23.)


See! This Is Why People Need to Send Me Stuff Again!

The Flabongo! Pukin' pink!

(Sent by rdtj23.)

Monday, February 25, 2008


I'm warning you, Internet, you better start working better for me. Otherwise, we might have to upgrade you. Which is a scary thought.

So as a note, I'm sorry. I've been very behind in writing due to my lack of Internet at home. It comes in spurts. I promise I'll pick up, as soon as I finish watching my tape of the Oscars. It's still stuck in my "IN" box, just on top of my New Orleans writing, my Christmas cards, and some letter from the OSS.

(Link courtesy Chicago Burdman.)


Friday, February 22, 2008


Dave finally did it!

Key Quote (in my case):
What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

If You Wanna Talk about Gender Roles...

Apparently yesterday's link with a nude Lindsay Lohan upset females readers, and by female readers I mean ANDY. So I'm going to probably have to do penance and listen to him cry about oppression for the rest of the week. And he'll rile up woman readers everywhere. This is the 1920s all over again.

What are we gonna do next? Elect one of them?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

It Does Not Matter How NOT SAFE FOR WORK This Is

It does not matter how NOT SAFE FOR WORK this is: this is a proud tribute to and recreation of history.

Make sure to click the slideshow. Ahem.

Obama Wins Wisconsin without Wearing Cheesehead Hat to Rally

Well, not so far. But probably.


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Audiosurfing Some Gnarly Tunes

This is an honest attempt to review something. This is something I don't do. Bear with me.

Everyone I know is addicted to this game, Audiosurf. It's bad: it loads like iTunes, but is a game! It's genius! It's insidious! It's starvation and insomnia in a pop-up box!

The premise of the game is--well, it's like an old arcade game, really. It's about advancing your score, not about a storyline. As the mainstream media would put it, the game is a cross between Bust-a-Move, Guitar Hero, and Cruisin' USA. It's a racing game, building a road out of the pitch and speed of a music file. Any mp3 you have becomes a racetrack.

The highway itself looks like a surreal rainbow rollercoaster, and it is about as hypnotic as Mario Kart 64's Rainbow Road, but the songs are your choice. Next person to use Rainbow Road's theme gets a cookie though.

The Bust-a-Move part comes in the "traffic" on the road. Suspiciously-colored blocks come whizzing at your racecar and will go into rows you build up (when you pick them up). That's where the points come from, and that's where the yelling and testosterone-induced, arcade-style addicting competition comes from.

For a brief shining moment, I was #7 globally on Portal's amazing credits song "Still Alive" (the robotic voice version). Bear in mind this is the most popular song currently in the whole game. Besides those bragging rights, my friends and I have been battling it out to see who could do better at a few of the faster They Might Be Giants songs, and any song about driving tends to be great. Speaking of driving songs, I should try "Teen Angel" or "Last Kiss" next...

Currently, I'm being yelled at for setting a few impossibly high scores that none of my friends can beat. Of course, I can’t even beat my high scores: they're way too high. But whether you call them luck or hacks, I still have them.

The high scores lists are very buggy at the moment, and the game is a surprising system hog: my computer overheated twice the first day of playing. This has since leveled out, but still...

There. People told me I had to write a negative paragraph. You happy? Am I a legitimate critic now? Or am I going to have to recite a speech from Ratatouille right now?

The game is innovative, addicting, and a fairly quick load. Catch me as [FoH] Eaglie, hacking knocking down your high scores.
    Audiosurf Info
  • http://www.audio-surf.com

  • Developer: BestGameEver (http://www.bestgameever.com)

  • Release Date: February 11, 2008

  • $9.95 through Steam (and it comes with the Orange Box soundtrack, which means you get the amazing "Still Alive" for free with $9.95 purchase! What a deal! What a way to make a living, shilling other people's stuff! I'm quitting the review business!)


You're Still (Un)screwed, Andy

The Law of Averages says that many hot Asians coming means better chances for Andy here, but unfortunately for him, he just has to wait until they grow up at the adoption agencies.

And Whiskey Get You Drunk Now, Too!

About this wide-eyed wonder the media has with technology these days...


Monday, February 18, 2008

What Else Can I Say?


The Aviary officiallyrecognizes theindependentstateofKosovoand the broken spacebar on this laptop's keyboard on this February 18th.

Let freedomring.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

My Sources! Oh God, My Sources!

It bothers me how few links I get sent anymore. Where are my eagle-eyed reporters and freelance staff, sending me postable stuff for free (freelancers, tehehehe)? I might even have to start doing my own journalism, and you see how well that's worked out for me the last few days.

This Is Why Most Suburbs Should Be Shot

I just saw an address in Evanston, Ill.: "816 1/2 Church St."


Saturday, February 16, 2008

Do They Know about Search Bars, Too?

In the wake of the "New St. Valentine's Massacre" as CNN, FOX, MSNBC, and a whole lot of Europeans lovingly termed it, there has been a lot of media discussion of technology.

I have yet to see video games get blamed, but technology is being discussed as--get this--a good thing! A CBS anchor said that, "as a sign of the times," people "called, emailed, and messaged" loved ones (yes, "called"). A little application called Facebook was used to rally people and inform them!

Anyway, the Ludditian media is quite struck by the novelty of it all, and we should do them a favor. We should also tell them about this thing called Google and Internet Explorer. They're the newest rage.


Friday, February 15, 2008

Last NIU Post... It's Already Trampling My Sense of Humor

Remember my last post? The one about the Northern Illinois shootings and my bet about the use of the phrase, "St. Valentine's Day Massacre"? Yeah, thanks to CNN Headline News, the $2 stays in my hands.

The British division of Yahoo! is doing "it", too. Europe? Maybe you should learn something new about Chicago, other than Al Capone and Michael Jordan.

At least the Aussies didn't put "it" in the title.

I Can't Even Call It Yellow Journalism at This Point

So about those school shootings... no, even I can't do it. Too close to home. Less than a hundred miles away? I can't, I KNOW people there...

Okay, fine, I'll say it:
3-1 odds video games are cited in the news tomorrow.
2-1 odds Illinois gun laws will be criticized by both liberals and conservatives for a thousand different reasons.
5.5 million-1 odds the shootings are called the St. Valentine's Day Massacre somewhere in the media, especially due to the shooting's vicinity to Chicago.

Whoops! Nevermind those odds.

And there, too!

And BAM!

Hey, you're stealing my thunder...

I guess I was late to the draw. That's okay, I had the day off. Now, it's $2 to the first person to find the first major news outlet usage of this phrase!

You Presidents Are KILLING Me

I was informed today that my platform of hugs infringed on Sen. Obama's platform. Though I would like to make note that I ENDORSED hugs, they were not a platform.

Hugs for Pres, '08!


Thursday, February 14, 2008

An Evil Alliance of Greed, Pig-Headedness, and Pretty Pixels

Personally, I'm just scared of this. It's called the PC Gaming Alliance, and entangling alliances are always bad, we Americans know.

Even scarier is how the once libertarian gaming market might fall to this evil Imperial EmpireAlliance. Could the end be nigh, at least in PC gaming land? The predictions ARE coming true. Storefront windows will be shattered, the stock market and all domestic programs will crash, corporations will become megacorporations: the world WILL end when we all want Microsoft fighting on our side.

Edit: The irony of technical difficulties with a post about technology and gaming! And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I fixt it.


The Amoures Dai!

Eaglie has decided to take this Valentine's Day off in favor of resting from his work. He has left me the task of writing something for Valentine's Day. Therefore, I present to you a prayer to Venus. And this is no ordinary prayer to Venus, but Palamon's prayer, from the Knight's Tale within the Canterbury Tales! In the original Middle English!

"Faireste of faire, O lady myn, Venus,
Doughter to Jove, and spouse of Vulcanus,
Thow glader of the Mount of Citheron,
For thilke love thow haddest to Adoon,
Have pitee of my bittre teeris smerte,
And taak myn humble preyere at thyn herte.
Allas, I ne have no langage to telle
Theffectes, ne the tormentz of myn helle!
Myn herte may myne harmes nat biwreye,
I am so confus that I kan noght seye.
But mercy, lady bright! that knowest weele
My thought, and seest what harmes that I feele.
Considere al this, and rewe upon my soore,
As wisly, as I shal for everemoore,
Emforth my myght, thy trewe servant be,
And holden werre alwey with chastitee.
That make I myn avow, so ye me helpe.
I kepe noght of armes for to yelpe,
Ne I ne axe nat tomorwe to have victorie,
Ne renoun in this cas, ne veyne glorie
Of pris of armes blowen up and doun,
But I wolde have fully possessioun
Of Emelye, and dye in thy servyse.
Fynd thow the manere how, and in what wyse-
I recche nat, but it may bettre be
To have victorie of hem, or they of me-
So that I have my lady in myne armes.
For though so be, that Mars is god of armes,
Youre vertu is so greet in hevene above
That if yow list, I shal wel have my love.
Thy temple wol I worshipe everemo,
And on thyn auter, where I ride or go,
I wol doon sacrifice and fires beete.
And if ye wol nat so, my lady sweete,
Thanne preye I thee, tomorwe with a spere
That Arcita me thurgh the herte bere.
Thanne rekke I noght, whan I have lost my lyf,
Though that Arcita wynne hir to his wyf.
This is theffect and ende of my preyere,
Yif me my love, thow blisful lady deere!"

So beautiful. Happy Valentine's Day, Aviary readers!


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Steampunk and Star Wars?

The Ultimate Lego Showdown.

Key quote: "Stick to core vehicles... the icons people will know. Don't get too obscure or it loses it's effect. People should be able to recognize what it's based on, but you need to have a source image to compare it to anyways. Use your gut here because we don't want every person asking 'is this ok, is that ok...' You'll know if it fits and if you doubt it, use something else."

Therefore, no coal-burning Z-95 Headhunters allowed. (I'm such a cannon nerd... RIMSHOT!)

(Submitted by Chicago Burdman.)

Shortchanging the World on my Endorsement

After winning pretty much every primary I've paid attention to (save New Hampshire). So has John McCain (save Iowa--"save Iowa"... that's a weird phrase. I don't think I'll utter it ever again).

So at this point, my Super Tuesday predictions are correct. McCain can't lose at this point, and Obama seems to be winning where it counts by hammering down his message of change (change this; change that; change the baby for once, honey).

I don't particularly want to give an endorsement this election cycle. Andy likes Obama and I hate Hillary, so we're pretty sure where we'll put our eggs (Hillary's front porch).

However, again, I don't want to endorse. Last time I did, I endorsed John Kerry (enough said). So to avoid that, I just start right now with an endorsement: hugs. Everyone, if you read this, go hug someone right now. Maybe it'll change the world.


30 Rock Has 30 Hours to Make Me Laugh Again

Those writers have had plenty of time: there should be a TON of material written ready for production. I expect new Heroes episodes next week. Now.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A Terraforming Event Has Happened

Shockwaves throughout the gaming industry can mean only one thing: Blizzard Activision Valve Blizzard Will Wright has announced a release date for Spore.

September 7th, 2008. Mark your calenders.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Want to Go Fishing?

Thinking more on my earlier post, there's always a reason for the Internet to exist. To nurture us and allow us to grow.


the LOLCatLand

Sometimes I wonder why so many English majors populate the Internet. Then I remember I'm one of them.

(Submitted by "Lauren")


Someone Counted? So Silly

You know there is a very similar number of commandments?

Gotta feel bad for the lame duck though. No one cares about him anymore, except the crazy guy wearing a sign and chanting with a megaphone on your corner (at 3am).


Sunday, February 10, 2008


The strike's stopping! The writer's strike is over! Finally, we'll all be back to work!

No, I'm not revealing my source. They won't even reveal their sources. For all I know, they could be wrong.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Asians, Chinese, Same Thing

Also in honor of the Chinese/Asian New Year, I give you a T-shirt.

(Sent by ChicagoBurdman.)

Happy Year of the Rat (as of Yesterday)!

Chinese New Year is often filled with animal imagery, which is an understatement. This year, it's one of my favorite animals, the rat. Rats bring joy into everyone's lives, especially people who deal with grain. They LOVE 'em.

Personally, I've known lots of rats. And they're not all the same. Some are finicky, some are picky, and some still are snooty.

I am, of course, making fun of rats. They're mostly harmless. And some are among the most treasured creatures on earth: our friends. Hug a rat today for me.

Little bookworm, this one was. I miss her.


Wall-E Is the Model of Adorable

Hey! It's a trailer!

(From AICN.)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

The Achievements Are a Lie

This bothers me on many levels as a gamer. Even more so that it took over a week for me to get wind of it.

But then I remember it's obviously just flax seed oil.


Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I Love My City

You know, I thought Chicago democracy was superior to all other forms. Now I know it is.

(Via Dave Barry.)

Greatest of English-Speaking Endeavors for Lent

This Lent, myself and Andy will give up the word ****. I know, I'm not much of a Christian/Catholic/Religiouso/Theologian/Fasting Buddy, but I figured I'd support Andy. He seems very adamant about giving **** up. The word ****'s become a huge part of our vocabulary, so giving up the word **** for Lent is going to be a tough job.

It's tough to stop thinking it, too, which I hear still ****ing counts.


Now for Super Wednesday!

Here's a quick rundown of Super Tuesday:

  • Obama and Clinton virtually tied.

  • McCain took a big lead.

  • Lincoln didn't win Illinois.

  • Romney got squashed, relatively, as Huckabee took a lot of his states.

  • McCain and Huckabee, sittin' in a tree...


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Guess What?

My predictions were half-right for Illinois. The winners were:

Dems: Barack Obama
GOP: John McCain



Super Tuesday So Far

I'm not even voting I'm so excited about this race!


Big Fat Super Tuesday

After a month of waiting, watching states light up and my fellow journalists have all the fun, I finally have my chance to report, even though no one is paying me to. The lucky thing about this stuff is that I don't have to apply journalistic standards when no one pays me to, so that's a perk.

Today really decides the election. Whoever wins the most delegates today will almost certainly win their party’s nomination, unless it's close, which will lead to a run-off where the person with the most money wins (I love American plutocracy).

How are the contests shaping up? On the Democratic side, my home state is a foregone conclusion: we're voting Lincoln.*

The Republicans have more of a fight on their hands here. Sen. John McCain and Mitt Romney are battling each other with the crazies Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul trailing. The early results of New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida have given McCain forward momentum, something the man did not have before. Really: his arms didn't move that way.

You can tell he'll be a good president when that's the best I can come up with against him. But that doesn't mean I won't.

And you probably are wondering who I'm picking to win. I'm a very unscientific man and horrible journalist, but I do know how to pick winners. I'm like a Bears coach in the NFL draft, but not like one (I smell better).

Official picks for Illinois: Abraham Lincoln and John McCain
Official picks for the nomination: Barack Obama and John McCain
Official pick to win the election: John McCain

Bear in mind, these are not endorsements. I have not yet endorsed anyone, especially not anyone with a 5-point spread against them.

I will be giving updates later, don't you worry, and they might just be accurate.

* - Yes, I know he was a Republican, but it is my belief that the GOP has officially given that honor over to the Democrats by repeatedly electing Strom Thurmond after he became too racist for old-school Dixiecrats.


Monday, February 04, 2008

Back from New Orleans

And Mark Twain is right: "It has been said that a Scotchman has not seen the world until he has seen Edinburgh; and I think that I may say that an American has not seen the United States until he as seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans."

It was a great trip, which I think makes up for me not live-blogging the Super Bowl, but that game was one of the best I've ever seen (I watched the second half in a few bars).

My thoughts on why it was so great? Because New England got embarrassed, thereby saving us decades of smugness. Also, it averted an Apocalypse: no region/city should ever win two championships in one year (Red Sox, Patriots) and if they had won three (the Celtics), someone might have had to murdah them.

One last thought before I get to writing the important things: the reading of the Declaration of Independence by NFL coaches, players, and retired veterans... was this smarmy or just plain cheesy? I can't decide which.


Friday, February 01, 2008


Hurricane Ditka is headed today to New Orleans! We'll see how that Superdome holds up! I'll be there in 12 hours, barring weather, delays, and a nasty habit of O'Hare's: hating people smaller than it.

Also, I'll be journaling the whole time, though sadly not here (no Internets). Expect something nice when I get back. However, Super Tuesday will probably receive precedence. Don't worry: that'll make the New Orleans travelogue that much sweeter, wetter, wilder, and windier.

Also, that was my second hurricane joke, and I haven't even made it to the plane yet.

What do you call a pair of jeans holding back Lake Pontchartrain?

Levees-Strauss. Or maybe just Bob.