Wednesday, October 31, 2007
And one final treat.
Making an offensive Halloween costume is a tried-and-true tradition.
Dead celebrities are usually some of the most creative. Keep track of who's kicked the bucket lately. Last year, Steve Irwin carrying a plush stingray was my favorite in this category. A Elliott Smith a few years ago was also good. And if you can do a Chris Farley with a dozen needles down your arms, that'll last forever.
What's this year's best? Robert Goulet. Try to capture the pallid skin color from the rare disease.
You also need to hit all the nerds and fanatics of popular fiction where it hurts. Use spoilers! A few years ago, the most inspired? A zombie Dumbledore. Another great one was Wash from Firefly with a harpoon sticking through his chest.
Or you can destroy the innocence of a character by dressing up as, say, a coked out Blue from Blue's Clues.
There are also some that will always and forever work. Religion is always the best at this. A zombie Jesus is always tasteless. Make sure to make the nails and lance in your side realistic. Just don't try to make a political or moral statement with any of this, like by dressing as an ejaculating priest and wearing a nametag calling yourself "Hypocrisy." That just makes you an idiot.
And for couples' costumes? I can't think of any famous twins that got wiped off the face of the Earth (in late 2001), can you?
Labels: Longer Stuff
Normally Halloween is reserved for the scary politicians. Once in a while, there are less than scary ones, possibly cute ones. They are the babies in lion manes and ladybug red-and-black, and they’re just as much a part of this holiday. And don't fret: there'll be time to skewer Countess von Clinton later.
In the great tradition of Ross Perot, Ralph Nader, and Yoda, a small, elfin creature has swept through the ranks and made an impression as a third-party candidate. However, this time the creature is not a third-party candidate, as much as he looks, sounds, and smells like one!
Ron Paul is a political animal stirring up the media and Internet. Why else would I pay attention to him if it weren't for the Internet telling me to? A small, furry congressman from Texas, he is running for the GOP nomination for president on a platform of libertarian ideals.
There are problems. For example, last time Ross Perot tried to get elected, he failed miserably. Last time(s) for Nader, he got Bush elected. And the last time Yoda got into politics, Episodes I, II, and III happened. What can avert disaster like this?
Take care of your Ron Paul! That’s how! Here's a little checklist that we drummed up by talking to a local oriental artifacts and magic dealer.
I really wish I had an example for that last one.
Good luck with your Ron Paul!
Don't worry, you'll have some stuff to read very soon!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Alien attack should be higher priority. Check this scoop out.
(Sent by Dubs, the Aviary's new unofficial official political correspondent.)
I'm getting hungry for hot dogs for some reason (because I've been eating brats lately... I guess I kinda want the Chicago Dog now instead). Speaking of Chicago dogs...
Also, finally, we have found CORRECT doggie costumes, compared to this one.
And here are some more rules to follow. They are inalienable.
KEY QUOTE: "Don't... Use ketchup on your hot dog after the age of 18."
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Also, these holidays also lead to the best time of year: baseball season's end (which unfortunately I never get to have a real stake in) and the football season.
Also, I would like to make note, on this, that the Bears' Devin Hester's "excellent returns" are no longer "excellent." They're normal, besides the fact that he was lucky to get kicked to.
It's that time of year I truly love. It's the fall season, combined with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. America becomes a flurry of tradition, good food, cheerfulness, and sickeningly cute sing-along tunes. Unfortunately, I love all of these.
So anyway, enjoy your Halloween days. Make sure to dress up, creatively, no matter what you're doing on Wednesday. And get ready to enjoy going over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house to go.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Congratulations to the Chargers, who get to play in their home stadium again after all the forest fires! Also, congratulations to all those in San Diego who lost their homes: you guys stay put and get free front-row seats! And you probably have all your worldly possessions with you already for tailgating!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
So the results of this quiz were...
I'm either Gilligan from Gilligan's Island or Adolf Hitler.
The wonders of the Internet.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
What did politics do before massive bandwidth video sites were invented?
Not this, for certain.
(Thanks to Dubs.)
Some new news about archeo-platypuses brings to mind an old piece of writing by me. NOTE: It got Andy into college without giving me any credit.
I'll repost in its entirety, mostly because I don't think its old home will be around much longer:
The Platypus Principle:
A Kickass College Essay
Sometimes a theory is not as watertight as predicted. There can be an anomaly that was not in the wildest of science's predictions. The theory of natural selection is one of these theories with such anomalies. Take, for example, the wilds of the continent of Australia. There lives a beast, furry and birdlike. By all accounts, it should be dead, but it is alive. How can this be?
The duck-billed platypus, Ornithorhynchus anatinus, is a creature unlike any other. It has the fur and milk glands of a mammal, but also a beak like a bird. Running down the list further, the animal lays eggs like birds and reptiles, and it spends much of its time waterborne, a trait mostly thought of as a fish's or an amphibian's.
This bizarre chimera of animal kingdoms, with all these defects, survived the initial cuts of Darwinism. It has continued to find loopholes where it should have gone extinct. There are very few feasible ways such a confusing creature could have made it to this point in history. The platypus's appearance must have played a part in its unthinkable survival.
Looking back, the platypus's ancestors, also very oddly structured, survived from Mesozoic times. Back in those days, these creatures were pretty normal compared to many of the crazy things that had evolved (though the reptiles did find all the mammals to be quite weird). These archeo-platypuses then survived a meteorite crash and hibernated through an Ice Age. By the end of the Ice Age, the archeo-platypuses had evolved into the platypuses more common today. But also by this time, they were very weird in comparison to everything around them.
Most of what could have been the platypus's natural enemies were altogether too confused by its outward appearance. Dingoes and other carnivores could not decide whether to eat it or just to laugh at it. The first human explorers were also very confused by the mammal. When they captured one, did they need to skin it, gut it, or pluck it? It was only when science picked up that the platypus faced any real danger, coming from the incessantly curious naturalists trapping the animal and tossing it into formaldehyde. But, otherwise, the platypus escaped its enemies time and time again.
The confusion created by the platypus's looks still allows the survival of many platypuses. The platypus's looks cause many creatures to take pity on it. Other marsupials allow the platypus shelter in their pouches. Mother dingoes and other wolves have taken care of young platypuses, much like their own young. The platypus has time and time again accidentally survived, based on looks alone.
The platypus has been able to live for the past eons relatively safely. Creatures normally have not survived unless they are the strongest, the fastest, or the smartest. The platypus is not strong, fast, or smart. It is actually a pretty mediocre animal, except for its looks. This begs the question: Perhaps the sheer weirdness of the creature makes it strong? Natural selection possibly did work then, just in a very unconventional way. By sheer weirdness, confusing everything around it, the platypus has survived, creating what may now be referred to as the "Platypus Principle." This also applies to the platypus's cousin, the echidna, the Venus flytrap, and the French poodle. These creatures have survived on weirdness of their looks alone, invoking the Platypus Principle.
Labels: Longer Stuff
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
From my initial viewing of Tuesday's "Planet in Peril" on CNN, I mostly got that Anderson Cooper is going to die.
Now, to celebrate yet again the eternal draw of the folklore of Fansy the Famous...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
It's hard to tell Indians fans I told you so, but I did. Never count a team with Josh Beckett out, especially when his opponent is up 3 games to 1 in the league championship series.
2003, Beckett and his Marlins did the same damn thing to my Cubbies. 3-1, Cubs up, and Beckett destroyed us in both games he pitched. Funny that some Indians fans thought they were better than that!
So, tehehe, maybe I should become a clairvoyant, and maybe Boston has a chance of stopping Golorado. And I was serious on both those counts.
This was submitted by Andy, and he asked me to post it for him since his Internet wasn't working.
WARNING: SERIOUS LITERARY CRITICISM COMING UP! AND SPOILERS! FOR HARRY POTTER!
Well, not really that serious. It involves Harry Potter, so nothing's that serious.
J.K. Rowling told the press recently that Dumbledore was gay (note the "was").
She really did write these books to increase the ire of fundy Christians, didn't she?
Now, far be it from me to say, "Dumbledore shouldn't be gay. Not that there'd be anything wrong with that." But was it really something we should care about?
And now comes my critique of Rowling as a writer. She can write all the books, stories, comics, movies, poems, video games, and whatever other texts are possible, but if it wasn't in one of those, she doesn't need to reveal it to the world. It's the sign of a bad writer to fit in more information THROUGH THE PRESS, rather than THROUGH A TEXT. In an earlier interview, Rowling told the press many more parts of the future than were needed.
They say the best writer fits in everything that needs to be said in the shortest amount of space. Rowling seems to have failed to do that. Yes, I know Rowling is trying to create a fully fleshed-out world, but it's not just a world: the books are one big text, and nothing else besides those should be needed. Or else Rowling is not an effective writer.
This is not to say the Potter books are not effective texts. If she thinks it necessary, than the words should have been in the book. If they weren't necessary to fit in the 700+ pages of one of those books, I think that it's stupid going back to tell everyone these things.
So Rowling: you have finally reached a place I cannot defend you. Also, Ian McKellen really should have played Dumbledore.
I would just like to make note, Andy, that while you had some very nice lines there, you just did a literary critique of Harry Potter.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I was watching the Daily Show and the Colbert Report last night, and I thought, "Maybe I should announce my bid." Taking a page from Sen. Barack Obama, Colbert mulled over the decision for all of the 15 minutes between his appearance on the Daily Show and his announcement on his own show.
This leads us to the ultimate funny-bone match-up: Stephen Colbert (D/R - S. C.) and Dave Barry (Ind - Fla.). Finally, two candidates worth rallying for!
As for Obama, he definitely just got a family ties' boost.
Neither happens to have a great grandfather named Jefferson, do they?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I must deliver this terrible news to the rest of world.
Next time when a team wins the National League pennant, can they get a better logo? "CR" slightly overlapping? Or is that a "G"?
You are shaking your head, "Your team only has a 'C' for a logo. Boston only uses a 'B.' You guys suck, too."
But you would be wrong and would not know a thing about the evolution of the Cubs, Boston, Detroit, or any other major league team of substantial history: we were there first. Which I suppose is a source of bitterness as we again move into the baseball season, and I make my annual switchover to Bears gear. Hey, they have a "C," too!
Chicago is again missing the sounds of bats mixed with the roaring fans and paper beer cups. Instead Cubs and White Sox fans reunite like Civil War brothers for football. The former enemies get to watch the mediocre Bears, some of whom are having trouble finding their own helmets, let alone opposing running backs.
I am numb to our losses. I go into an automatic routine in October: I fold up my hats, shirts, and my big blue-and-red claw neatly in my "Cub-board," which is something all of you should have. The Trib's selling them for half off right now. Buy them up before Mark Cuban does.
My dad's even more into the routine. He and Ron Santo were sighing before I was. And don't gloat if you hate the Cubs. I know it's bad enough to be known as "the-team-that's-not-the-Cubs" fans.
I also tire of dominance by teams no one cares about. The Diamondbacks and Rockies? More Cubs fans showed up to the divisional series in Arizona than home team fans. If the Cubs (a big "if") had won the series there, the stadium would have been overturned and in flames like a Toyota at a Chicago Bulls championship celebration.
Oh, right. No White Sox fans would've been there to see the property damage through.
No, I don’t want the Rockies to win, just like I didn’t want the Diamondbacks to win. I rooted once for the Diamondbacks in 2001 only because I like to watch the Yankees suffer. I promise that will never happen again. I never EVER want to see the Marlins win again, but that’s a different story. Thank God the Devil Rays are still worthless.
But anyway, congratulations to the Rockies: as my friend Geandily from Colorado said eloquently, "w00t world series for a town that doesnt care about baseball W00T!"
Monday, October 15, 2007
In more gaming news, the potential of the Wii will not be wasted, finally.
I hope... for your sake, Nintendo.
As a German, this new World of Warcraft event insults me.
EDIT BY EAGLIE: And this insults me as an elf!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Germany and Poland are arguing over ownership of historical treasures, the Chicago Tribune reports. Seems some famous things like Martin Luther books and writings and a letter from George Washington (he seems to be big overseas--but did he cut down a cherry tree over there, too?) are in the hands of the Polish because of the shuffling in WWII.
Wonder who'll win this argument?
I was watching FOX for the Bears game today and a commercial for a league of Professional Bull Riders (PBR). I might leave FOX on now to watch it.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
So, can we please NOW bomb our neighbors to the east? Indiana deserves it at this point.
After my thrilling expose in August and a whole lot of help from boycott/death threats, BP decided not to use the permit it was granted by Indiana to dump a whole lot more chemicals into Lake Michigan.
Now it's US Steel's turn for a-lashin'.
The Chicago Tribune has reported the last few days that Indiana is at it again, giving US Steel a huge break with its permits. The level of dumping would raise in one of the most polluted rivers leading into one of the most polluted lakes in one of the most polluted states in one of the most polluted countries in one of the most polluted worlds ever?
That sentence makes me a proud neighbor.
However, this time the EPA stood up to the plate and succeeded in getting the proposals blocked... until further review!
Indiana feels they have the right to continually pound a laundry list of pollutants into the Great Lakes. The list includes various toxins, poisons, corrosive cleaners, and very few vitamins (to be fair, there are a few of those).
At this point, I think we have to forget about the companies and just boycott the state of Indiana.
(You will, as always, need a Tribune account or subscription. Also, get an Aviary subscription while you're at it. I could use the money to eat.)
Sadly, the people who paid for those tickets then find out IT'S FOR SHAKESPEARE.
Oh please, don't yell at me for insulting Shakespeare. I love the Bard, especially in rock opera adaptations, but would YOU pay $1700 to see this?
(Thanks to rdtj23.)
Friday, October 12, 2007
Wow. Al Gore just added another prize to his repertoire: a Nobel Peace Prize.
Yes, I'm happy for the cause and for him... we're trying to kick Global Warming's ass, and here we have another decorated warrior. One question though: when did peace prizes go out to people predicting doom for the natural world, and not for promoting PEACE between nations? Just wondering.
Anyway, Al Gore should regrow his beard (and subsequent lichen colony) to celebrate.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I found this. Don't ask what I was searching for--really.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Machinima has become an art in its own right.
Also, Team Fortress 2 is pretty badass. Try looking at some of the trailer videos: The Heavy, The Soldier, and The Engineer.
My internet went out at home. Damn the world (and the torpedoes)!
In the meantime, I have a new project I'm working on here. It's an environmental blog, as part of a Loyola magazine. I'm administrator.
Yes, I betrayed blogspot/blogger. So what? Wordpress'll make it quite easy to work with the rest of the class.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
...but this is too much.
And following the "white and tender, surround the center" rabbit, you find... more seizures.
Monday, October 08, 2007
...well, at least I didn't collapse. But tell that to the people who actually ran it.
(Do I really need a citation?)
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Good sports things happens sometimes to Chicago... the Bears beat the Packers (handing them their first loss no less), which makes the season a winning one no matter the numbers.
EXTRA FACT: Us Illinoisians ruined the seasons of THREE Wisconsin teams this year, and all within the past two weeks! The Brewers lost the division, the Badgers lost their unbeaten football season and probably their #5 spot in the AP polls, and the Packers... well, you know about that one!
Oh, this is delightful!
I'm done. Totally. I totally whooped you.
EDIT (by Eaglie): By how much? You didn't give a score, you liar.
EDIT (by Andy): You calling me a liar?
EDIT (by Eaglie): I did use those words, yes.
EDIT (by Andy): 1135.79m.
EDIT (by Eaglie): Liarm.
73.49, Mr. I-Finished-My-Perpetual-Motion-Machine-First-in-Class!
And do you ALWAYS have to put an "m" after your score? Kinda redundant after a while.
First Dave Barry posts it. Then Eaglie starts playing it... then I start playing it, and now I've got 63.073m versus Eaglie's 15somethingm.
Paying attention in physics paid off, asshole.
Putting on the best face for America for the BBC.
(Found by rummaging.)
I don't know what I would do without awesome lists like this.
No more sorrows tonight!
Saturday, October 06, 2007
In non-sports related news and while Andy cries and I mourn in a more dignified manner (Ed. - Alcohol), apparently "Theatre Majors Are the Worst People Ever."
Old article, I know, but no one ever called me cutting edge.
I can admit defeat. I really don't want to, but I can. We lost. The Cubs are done for the year, the flag out front of the house is at half-mast, and I'm back to being an objective observer of the playoffs except with the Yankees. But that's the default.
In other sports news, why is Virginia Tech doing so well in football? They're #15 in the AP Poll. It's not like there were any world-changing events on that campus since last season... none in football, at least.
Seriously: I smell a smaltzy sports movie coming.
One of the hosts (don't remember which one) of WGN Radio's Cubs Pregame Show said something very heartening: the Cubs WILL win today. Do you know why?
If the Cubs win today, they have to play tomorrow. Overlapping with that game will be the Chicago Marathon. Traveling in the city will be a bitch, especially for anyone trying to get to Cubs Park. Therefore, according to Murphy's Law, the Cubs will win today and the Marathon will go on, so everyone (in a certain sense) will be screwed.
But mostly Sox fans.
Friday, October 05, 2007
So we lost yesterday. And the day before. We're still in it for at least one more game, and it'll be epic.
Speaking of epic and speaking of the Latin Andy blogged about yesterday, there was a class a few weeks ago involving these things:
One person in the class, while the professor was lecturing, blurted out that the Cubs were winning. The professor said, "Well, isn't that what's important in life?" A few moments of silence and another student said, "The Cubs are LIKE an epic. They even have their own brooding hero." (That would be Zambrano.) Someone then asked the immortal question, "Who stole Lou Pinella's wife then?"
Because of this series, we have an answer: the Arizona Diamondbacks. Time to write The Dbackiad.
Every son of Arizona will die because of you, Stephen Drew.
Now put that in dactylic hexameter.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Also, here's something I learned from the Tribune. Use this picture for reference (taken from BleedCubbieBlue.com, without permission... I hope they don't mind. Seems like a nice guy over there, so maybe he won't put up nets blocking my readers' views over the bleachers).
"Eamus Catuli" means, roughly and apparently in only a very skewed way, "Go Cubs!" AC006198 has multiple meanings. "AC" is a reference to the Gregorian calender's "AD" or "Anno Domini" ("Year of Our Lord"). "AC" means "Anno Catuli" or "Year of the Cubs." The numbers mean as follows: the first two digits, "00," just changed from "03" to say how many years it's been since the Cubs have won the division. The "61" is how long since the last pennant. The "98" is the horrendous number... it's how many years since the Cubs have won the World Series.
One might ask, isn't it 99 years since the last Cubs' World Series? This season, it is, but it really depends if you're counting the current year or not. It's like the 2000 v. 2001 Millenium debate: no one's gonna win and everyone's an asshole for arguing about it.
I'll be radioing it in tonight. That is... I'll be listening to Ron Santo and Pat Hughes instead of those TBS assholes. Never give me an unbiased crew of sportscasters again, TBS, or I'll never watch you (not that I'll ever watch your channel anyway...)!
As for LiveBlogging? Nah. Too much work to use the computer and listen to the radio while in the place I'm in (home, not my apartment).
Good night for now, Cubs nation. We'll be back tomorrow, and I will TRY to LiveBlog it. However, lack of cable tomorrow night MIGHT happen, so who knows?
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Today, I'm gonna try it a little differently. All updates will be in THIS post, in updates at the end, not in new posts. This style will keep you guys reading the updates in order, rather than just reading the newest one first.
First, a few thoughts: I hate TBS. Baseball is not meant to be played on cable, especially at 9pm. Actually, baseball shouldn't even be on TV, but that's the reactionary in me talking. Also, all they can talk about is the Cubs being a "big contract, big name" team. I kinda hate them.
Currently they're showing the Cubs' highlights: the Zambrano-Barrett brawl and Lou Pinella kicking dirt. Okay, those are good. TBS can stay for tonight.
UPDATE: Zambrano's first pitch kinda sucked. C'mon, sir. Settle down. You can punch Barrett in between innings if you need to.
UPDATE: YES! Two strikeouts! Excellent, Big Z! Also, if you (the reader) came here for unbiased coverage, you came to the wrong place. You didn't? Well then.
UPDATE: Big Z, we love you in Chicago, but you don't help the sausage clogs in our hearts at all.
UPDATE: Did I mention I love you, Zambrano? DOUBLEDOUBlEDOUBLEDOUBLEDOUBLE!
UPDATE: As Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano, and all the Diamondbacks can attest, the strike zone for this ump probably includes the batter's big toe.
UPDATE: And that would include actually HITTING the toe.
UPDATE: Don't lose your cool, Zambrano! It's just one run! Also, you can beat Drew up in the parking lot if you want.
UPDATE: Commercials are good. Lotsa Sonic commercials with TJ and his partner, and now a Pinella commercial for Aquafina? He throws third base! I gotta drink that water now!
UPDATE: Still adding to my heart disease, Big Z. But nice job hitting it that hard.
UPDATE: TIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIEDTIED 1-1!
UPDATE: So close to Zam(brano) being able to give himself the lead! But hey, good job anyway, guys! We're back in it!
UPDATE: My TBS station really DOES have a lot of Chicago-based commercials. Diversey bowl just made an appearance. TJ and the Passions have made quite a few more appearances. As for the baseball, it's alright.
UPDATE: Pinella's out to the mound for the first time tonight. And it wasn't for Zambrano. Go figure.
UPDATE: That Diamondback rattle they play on the speakers in Arizona? That really sounds like cicadas.
UPDATE: The final score: 3-1, Diamondbacks. Those TBS announcers had it out for the Cubs! Apparently, we're a team full of overpaid veterans who have all won World Series before and so the Diamondbacks deserve this! Cubs nation, let's do ourselves a favor: next game, we mute the TV and turn on the radio. CHICAGO radio. Ron Santo and Pat Hughes FTW!
I went to school with this girl.
I'm not sure who to root for... a spoiled over-manicured girl or a spoiled over-manicured football player. Probably the girl.
(Found through various members of my graduating class, especially Rocio and Alex.)
Tonight, I will be Live Updating while watching the Cubs on TBS. And I have a longer piece about the Cubs ready... in, you know, tomorrow.
In the meantime, the Trib (not the Tribe... those guys are the enemy) gives us a Pinella-speak lexicon.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
And the lack of pretty much all communication. Personal things in life coupled with my Internet pretty much not letting me do much without having to wait like a 28k chump have taken their toll. I promise I'll be good and post more (and answer all personal/impersonal/extrapersonal items) in the very near future.