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Thursday, September 16, 2010
Me and Andy leave Chicago for one minute and everything in Chicago happens! Unless you live under a rock or somewhere besides the Chicagoland-Northwest Indiana area, you've heard that Mayor Richard M. Daley of Chicago will not run for a seventh term. That means, in May, for the first time in 21 years, a Daley will not be Mayor of Chicago. And in the past 55 years, Daleys have handled 42. Without King Richard II, there would've been much less graft. Okay, you're killing me. This is CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, we're talking about. There will ALWAYS be graft. And greed. And corruption. And governors getting fitted for stripes. The difference is that Richie Daley knew how to work that system. Very, very well. I mean, he looks almost clean! Other mayors have always struggled to hold the feuding factions (blacks, whites, Hispanics, the Polish) of the city together. He (and his father) worked this system to make the City of Chicago into what it is today. A shining jewel of the Midwest--the sparkling center of a region that's turned to rust. Richie has been mayor a super-majority of my life. I shed a tear for him. REALLY! I will miss him, and I worry for my city without him. Labels: Chicago, Midwestern Values, Politics
Monday, April 05, 2010
I don't think there are any days that optimism soars quite like Opening Day in Chicago baseball. The small-balling Sox already got running, and the Cubbies start in an hour. Yup, it is only a matter of time before that fly-ball-of-optimism gets lost in the summer sun. That was the less optimistic side talking. I still think there's a chance. Ever a tinker of a chance in Chicago, that's what my Pop always said. So, my predictions: Cubs-Sox win the two Central Divisions, the pennant, and meet in the World Series. Cubs in five there. A tinker of a chance, like I just said. Labels: Chicago, Holiday Magic, Sports
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Yes, I'm flying. In a plane. Tomorrow. That means I get to be among the first to "wag my tail" for the body scanners at O'Hare International Airport. Well, actually, thousands have already gone through since they opened--it's a busy airport--but I'm the first I know. Tomorrow, a 3-D image of my body will become property of the U.S. Government. Appendages, crevices, and all. And I hope they take a good look at it because, soon enough, they won't be able to get rid of it for any preexisting conditions. Labels: America, Chicago, Midwestern Values, Travel
Monday, October 05, 2009
I have no culpability. Hooray for Carnivale! Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Tomorrow is the big day, and I was thinking, "Is the Chicago 2016 bid that great?" Of course it is. Just look at our marketing team: Motto: This switched from the poignant "Stir the Soul" to "Let Friendship Shine" and the even more stirring "Candidate City" motto due to translation issues. The former motto stirred up more intestines than animus, so I understand changing it in other languages... but couldn't we use a different motto in the U.S. Maybe the original motto? Other countries change American movie titles all the time to fit their non-English. Can't we just do the reverse and not make ourselves look like 90s afternoon public television? Logo: The Sears Tower burned as the Olympic torch--but that broke a few international rules. So now we have a Chicago-flag-lookalike star, hoping to make it on the flag in a few years. Miscellaneous: No one can forget the Chicago Dolphin! We await the Danes' reaction to our semi-aquatic mammals. If none of these have swayed them, nothing will with Decision Day tomorrow. Of course, I'll be in California, watching the results, far, far away from Rio's retaliations or Rich Daley's wrath. Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Yesterday I teased with how great of odds Chicago has to win the Olympics. 2-1, in fact. That's a pretty safe bet, right? I mean, Oprah Winfrey is leading the Chicago 2016 delegation to Copenhagen tomorrow. (Too bad the IOC isn't 50.1+ percent American housewives.) And look at the rest of the delegation: Mayor Daley is going. Governor Quinn is going. Michelle Obama is going. Barack Obama says he's going. Michael Jordan... should go instead of wishing he was still playing baseball. That's a full basketball team, with Oprah as the coach, and Education-Teacher Guy Arne Duncan cooling the towels. And why else should we win? Our secret weapons: one of the biggest sponsors of the Olympics, McDonald's, is based in Chicago. And the rest of the sponsors are American. About every 20 years, an American city hosts the Olympics. How can we lose? Easy, based on a few factors. We are the only city in the world that has more people against hosting the Olympics than for them. Many, in fact, are protesting. We also have the least guarantee that our government will handle the extra costs (though they say they will). Not to mention we're (mostly) not Latin American. Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Friday, September 25, 2009
There is a week left until the date that will decide our fate. Will Chicago host the Olympic Games in the year 2016? Will we "make no small plans"? Will we add a fifth star to the civic flag? Will we build exorbitant temporary infrastructure and debt? Bus ads sound off athletic support every 20 minutes , and parking meters play the Olympic theme every 30 (only one of these is real, for now--guess which). It makes for a piercingly noisy commute. But do I "back the bid"? Or am I one of the many Chicagoans hoping we lose this track & field & pony show? Well, no: I back this white city's bid. Mostly because I believe Chicago can avoid debt better than any city on earth. Maybe we'll burn her down again after the Games for the insurance money. Stay tuned: the Aviary will be posting all week about the countdown to Chicago or Rio 2016--Toyko and Madrid... are you kidding me? Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, News, Sports
Monday, August 17, 2009
Hippies took over the world 40 years ago this weekend with something they called Woodstock. This musical festival had a wide reach, wide enough to make everyone this weekend remember the fond days when fire hoses were legal. In hippie tradition, city workers in Chicago got a vacation day... without pay. Whether they liked it or not. So clerks stayed home, libraries closed, and City Hall's ancient air conditioners were turned down. Thankfully, the fire department still had their hoses operating. Get a non-municipal job, hippies! Labels: America, Chicago, History, Modern Times
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Zounds, the day's already upon us! Talk Like Shakespeare Day it is, in Chicago! A holiday on a stage like Chicago! Beautiful, bountiful words, Mother-Bard! For you, this heaven-sprung day is made! Be mindful! Talk Like Shakespeare Day, it is; not Talk Like Dickens Day, as is sometimes bloody easy to fall to, it is. Want s'more later? Labels: Beyond Nerdiness, Chicago, Language, Literature, Love Notes
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I wish Earth Day and Talk Like Shakespeare Day fell on the same day... Zoo Keeper: Forsooth! Creatures, be awake! Tis a day for Mother Earth! Thou should be glad! Bearvolio: Hath thou no heart? I was slumbering! Meerkutio: Ah, I see Queen Mab hath visited you! Bearvolio: Duh! Zoo Keeper: Wake up, all of the world's birds, bees, and crawling things! Feeding time! Lady Water MacCasin: Do not act like a woman, dear Zoo Keeper! Bring it here! Let me suckle upon that frozen rat! Zoo Keeper: Here you go! Now, how is our brooding pig prince? Hamlet: Why was I born with such a name? Tis a such a stupid one-liner. A bad dream, for true. Meerkutio: I shall say, a pox of a name on you. Bearvolio: (slumbers, Stage Left) Zoo Keeper: Lady! Are you feeding well today upon your rat bucket? Lady Water MacCasin: Out, out, damned boot! Do not step on me! Meerkutio: Lady, you might be visited by... Bearvolio: Shall I wonder if it's Queen Mab again? Zoo Keeper: Look, ho! I am no zoo keeper! I am the Duke, and you shall all be married... You know, something like that, but in more iambic pentameter. Talk to you lords and ladies tomorrow! Labels: Beyond Nerdiness, Chicago, Greeniness, Language, Literature
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Everyone likes to know where their money goes when they give it to charity, so I decided to find out at the Chicago Auto Show back in February. The auto show is GIGANTIC every year. I've had uncles tell me they got lost in there, with little to eat but their own shoes and Connie's Pizza. But you'd expect it this year to be more subdued. After all, the car companies are hurting. They can't afford a spectacle. They, in fact, still need our help, and are probably shaving a bit off the top of the ticket prices to fund their legal teams for faulty, explosive hydrogen cells. The Big Three came out in force. The Big Numbers One through Three showed up, as did a lot of Japanese, Germans, and KIAns. Everyone and everything was there. ...including. The Chevy. VOLT!!!
The Chevy Volt is supposed to save the troubled Big Number Two (Chevy). If all goes according to plan, the car will come down on a Zeus-thrown, Hephaestus-forged thunderbolt to spear those incredibly low stocks, raise expectations, and reintroduce humans to cooking fire. (We'll need it soon.) With this, Chevy had a powerful case at this auto show that they were changing and fixing their internal problems. Transformers also made an appearance for Chevy, convincing me of this point.
Aside from military uses like that, when your tax dollars are at work, you want to know they are being used to make your life easier. (After all that math and imaginary numbers, what else?) The best part is, government loves to make things idiot-proof (as much for themselves as anyone). This year, they've outdone themselves with a new mandate, as there's no more throwing away the instruction manuals: they're printed right on the paint job!
This plug-in car plugs in... I think right here. Lambourgine made an appeasement of an appearance in the middle of the floor. This company is beginning to truly show the world what can be done to fix the energy crisis and reduce our dependence on foreign oil. They've harnessed the abundant natural drool of men wandering by.
Don't lie that you didn't short your keyboard. Hummer even managed to show its overcompensation of a grill, even in the face of environmentalist hatred. They even showed up with a lovely obstacle course. But the outraged people crowd, picketing Hummer's polluting policies, stopped anyone from getting in line for the obstacle course.
I ended my inspection the classic way: staring at greaser-mobiles and plucky Model-Ts.
By the way, back in MY day, cars didn't need bailouts--though they often needed a push. Labels: Chicago, Economics, Science/Technology
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
So, Michael Jordan is in the Hall of Fame. The guy in the article gets this right: it's one big duh, first ballot, landslide victory, man-of-the-hour. Olympic gold, championship gold, hubcap gold... Michael Jordan has had it all and is the best: the best there ever was, the best there ever will be. As a Chicagoan, this makes me tear up... maybe even more as a Cubs fan. (Yes, I am that pessimistic this early on. Give my heart a rest.) But, most importantly, Mike, this means no more comebacks, no? From the Tribune: "I don't like being up here for the Hall of Fame because at that time your basketball career is completely over," Jordan said. "I was hoping this day would be 20 more years, or actually go in when I'm dead and gone." And even then, there's reanimation for the kind of money Mike has.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Another friend has left on her flying wagon trail west--Andy's sister, Margaret, who likes drawing pictures of things that move, and thus needed to go to Hollywood. Someday I'll make it out to L.A., where the taxes aren't so high, no matter how much they complain about a "sunshine tax" out there. Did you know Californians think there's a sunshine tax? That they pay extra for the chance to live in the eternal western sunset? Try paying extra for the overcast days and bad weather, including the lovable slush storm we had today. Instead of having a tax, having a surcharge on your phone bill. Which, by the way, is taxable. And you Californians thought YOU had the creative people. Oh, and good luck out there, Magz.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The Sears Tower is becoming the Willis Tower, and spare me the Gary Coleman reference. Chicago's iconic landmark is losing its iconic name in iconic fashion: corporate leasers are just giving it away. I mean, giving it away makes sense; Sears hasn't paid for the name in years and moved out of the skyscraper long ago. But now a British group gets to rename it Willie! Big Willie! Which is probably the only acceptable way to refer to the new old structure, at least in the Eaglie book. I like diminutives, can you tell? Of course, I still can't abide. Which is why I propose this plan: rename it ourselves. No, not for Sears, as they don't deserve the free publicity. No, I say we rename it... the Cirrus Tower. Yes, the Cirrus Tower. After the clouds. As a hatchling, I thought that really was the name. It made sense, especially after science class. And that's "Sear-us." Sounds almost the name as "Sears," right? And in Chicago, we all over-pronounce our ending "S" sounds. We can't keep giving Sears free publicity, even if that is a Chicago staple of the way to do things, but at least we can let our memories and tongues rest at ease knowing we don't have something knew to say. How do we obtain the naming rights? This will require extensive Facebook campaigning, Twittering, and winning the lottery. Labels: Chicago
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
A businessman with no public transit experience became a head of the transit authority. And then that head of the transit authority with no education experience became head of the public schools. In celebration of this highly American, and even more Chicagoan, occasion, I listened in on Chicago Public School Customer Service with Ron Huberman at the helm, two years in the future: Administrator: Chicago Public Schools. Concerned Parent: Yes, my son Johnny was left back last year. I wanted to ask about this letter describing this mandatory "Express education." Admin: Of course. "If a student is held back more than once, he or she will go 'Express' for a year to get them back on schedule." Parent: Okay. I can get behind that. But why will he be in fifth grade the next year? He was only going to be in third grade. Admin: Well, fifth grade seemed like the best choice to drop him off. It is one of our most used grades. Parent: Well, how can he get back to the grade he should be in? Admin: We'll just have to leave him back a few times. Parent: Wouldn't that put him back on Express education? Admin: That is very possible. Admin: Chicago Public Schools. Concerned Parent #2: Hi, I was wondering about my daughter Carol's math scores. She is not doing so well all around. She's a hard worker, but doesn't get everything. However, she's doing terrible with math scores, and I don't even see a grade for math on her report cards. Not for the last two quarters, anyway. Admin: Yes, I can answer that--math is under construction, so for the next two years, all math students will run on the science, social studies, and reading tracks. We apologize for that inconvenience. Admin: Chicago Public Schools. Concerned Parent #3: Yes, there's a new bill at my door from you guys. A fine? Admin: Well, eating or drinking in the hallways is a finable offense. All infractions are now, in fact, finable. Your son should eat less Ho Ho's. Parent 3: No detentions anymore? Admin: Not cost-effective. They didn't even help stem the infractions. We assume the anger of parents ponying up will be more effective. Parent 3: Not half bad logic, if insane. And I must pay this off, how? Admin: Payment by Chicago Card is still possible. Just add money to it, and scan it at the door of your child's school, but I must warn you that there is no more 10 percent bonus. Labels: Chicago |
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