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Wednesday, June 16, 2010
American exceptionalism: we take exception to the game of soccer. When the World Cup kicked off last Friday, I figured something out: there is something distinctly un-American about soccer. We Americans like scores. We like close-ups. We like tackling without sliding. We like funny commercials. Ad companies (i.e. Americans) like funny commercials. Let's see: ___ Scoring ___ Close-ups of awesome action during the game ___ Tackling (without sliding) ___ Funny commercials, maybe involving a cute baby ___ Americans winning No checks. Soccer fails this list miserably, so most Americans aren't going to like soccer very soon. The ones that will aren't me. But, hey! USA tied a game with England last Saturday! We might do pretty well in this bracket! Go Team USA! Beat Slovenia and Algeria next! And go Soccer! WOOOOO! BUUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! Labels: America, International Affairs, Sports
Friday, February 19, 2010
Germany and the U.S. are in a tight medal count race up and to the left in Vancouver. They are also in a tight race involving hot ladies dressed in super-hot leotards. Sure, there's plenty to show off of the men's muscles for curling stones and shoving sleds (who are also dressed in leotards), but this is the women's time to shine. This is the biennial time attention is paid to women's sports. Make it worth our time, competitors! Some writers at Esquire have deadlines! (Metromix was also happy to show us the goods, but they threw a few men in. How quaint!) The Germans are led by Magdalena Neuner. She picked up silver in Women's 7.5 km Sprint, whatever that means. And she picked up gold in Women's 10 km Pursuit, whatever that means. But the point is, she did it while being hot. So did a few other German girls the past eight days, and none of them have worn push-up dirndl to do it! You can't buy that kind of talent. The American lineup of cheesecake is iced with ladies like Lindsey Vonn, Julia Mancuso, and Tanith Belbin. All are lovely and medal winners. Or are soon-to-be medal winners. They aren't Picabo Street, I know, but no one has a name that awesome anymore. And the U.S. and Germany aren't the only countries capable of producing women! China has its young lineup of speedskaters, and Canada has a surprising number of lookers, even with all the poutine and maple syrup. So many lovely, hot ladies, all in leotards and tight snow gear! Well, almost all, which is why no one likes women's hockey. But these fem-athletes are all supremely talented, of course. They should be valued for their strategies and competitiveness--their intelligence and sportspersonship above all else. Now let the cheering and cat-calling continue! Labels: International Affairs, Sports
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Did you watch the opening of Vancouver's Olympics last night? Probably not, unless you're Moldovan, since national pride moved them to send an athlete or two. I did. And I enjoyed native son Donald Sutherland's voiceover, the other announcers' McKenzie Boy accents and giant light-up bear (photo from NPR). But why the bear? And why Vancouver? The bear's an easy question: Vancouver is a place of ancestral and wild spirits. Hence the light show with whales and wolves and moose. Also, Coca-Cola is still in the winter season of its ad campaign cycle. Vancouver itself is close to Seattle, Wash., but is actually too far north to be part of the U.S. As part of Canada, Vancouver is a very snowy, cold place, though there isn't any snow at the moment which is why Olympic officials are scrambling to build a weather machine. (My suggestion: ask Bill Gates.) The city is in the southwest corner of British Columbia, which is NOT Saskatchewan or even remotely close to any place Ellen Page is from. Stay tuned for more comprehensive coverage like that! Labels: America, International Affairs, Sports
Friday, October 16, 2009
The honeymoon for President Barack Obama and Europe is not over after all. It's been a week since our President received arguably the most prestigious honor a person can get in this world. The mentality in Norway might be seen as, "Quick! Award him a prize before he screws something else up!" But according to the Nobel committee, it was "for [Obama's] extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples. [And for being nice to us again.]" Backlash was immense. Conservatives cackled as liberals struggled to describe the achievements of the president. Most fell back on the argument that the peace prize is not an achievement award, and that it would motivate Obama to do something. Then the conservatives remembered that this award meant that, not only does the world still think the president is the coolest kid on the world playground (even though they didn't give him the Olympics), Barack Obama gets to kiss a lot more girls than them. Labels: International Affairs, Politics
Monday, October 05, 2009
I have no culpability. Hooray for Carnivale! Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Tomorrow is the big day, and I was thinking, "Is the Chicago 2016 bid that great?" Of course it is. Just look at our marketing team: Motto: This switched from the poignant "Stir the Soul" to "Let Friendship Shine" and the even more stirring "Candidate City" motto due to translation issues. The former motto stirred up more intestines than animus, so I understand changing it in other languages... but couldn't we use a different motto in the U.S. Maybe the original motto? Other countries change American movie titles all the time to fit their non-English. Can't we just do the reverse and not make ourselves look like 90s afternoon public television? Logo: The Sears Tower burned as the Olympic torch--but that broke a few international rules. So now we have a Chicago-flag-lookalike star, hoping to make it on the flag in a few years. Miscellaneous: No one can forget the Chicago Dolphin! We await the Danes' reaction to our semi-aquatic mammals. If none of these have swayed them, nothing will with Decision Day tomorrow. Of course, I'll be in California, watching the results, far, far away from Rio's retaliations or Rich Daley's wrath. Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Yesterday I teased with how great of odds Chicago has to win the Olympics. 2-1, in fact. That's a pretty safe bet, right? I mean, Oprah Winfrey is leading the Chicago 2016 delegation to Copenhagen tomorrow. (Too bad the IOC isn't 50.1+ percent American housewives.) And look at the rest of the delegation: Mayor Daley is going. Governor Quinn is going. Michelle Obama is going. Barack Obama says he's going. Michael Jordan... should go instead of wishing he was still playing baseball. That's a full basketball team, with Oprah as the coach, and Education-Teacher Guy Arne Duncan cooling the towels. And why else should we win? Our secret weapons: one of the biggest sponsors of the Olympics, McDonald's, is based in Chicago. And the rest of the sponsors are American. About every 20 years, an American city hosts the Olympics. How can we lose? Easy, based on a few factors. We are the only city in the world that has more people against hosting the Olympics than for them. Many, in fact, are protesting. We also have the least guarantee that our government will handle the extra costs (though they say they will). Not to mention we're (mostly) not Latin American. Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, Sports
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
We have less than three days until we find out if Chicago beats the form-fitting pants off of Rio, or vice versa (only less form-fitting). And Tokyo and Madrid... how are they still in it? And does anyone care? Do you know what that means? Fake odds-making time! And if you want real odds, here. (h/t Chicagoist) Tokyo, Japan, is pushing their experience in hosting the Olympics. Experience--because they're the only city to host the Olympics. That's what entirety of Cleveland sports could say (back 40 years ago, when they cleaned up the joint), but it isn't bringing them a Super Bowl anytime soon. Tokyo's odds? 40-1. Madrid, Spain, no one remembers that you're even in the bid. Madrid's odds? 800-1. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, has among the best chances due to being the first Latin American country to give a serious bid. The downside is that most of the sponsorship will be from prostitution and cocaine rings, who are far more legitimate and concerned about employees' well-being than most corporations in South America. Rio's odds? 4-1. Chicago, USA, has pretty good odds, too. Chicago's odds? 2-1. Labels: International Affairs, Sports
Friday, September 25, 2009
There is a week left until the date that will decide our fate. Will Chicago host the Olympic Games in the year 2016? Will we "make no small plans"? Will we add a fifth star to the civic flag? Will we build exorbitant temporary infrastructure and debt? Bus ads sound off athletic support every 20 minutes , and parking meters play the Olympic theme every 30 (only one of these is real, for now--guess which). It makes for a piercingly noisy commute. But do I "back the bid"? Or am I one of the many Chicagoans hoping we lose this track & field & pony show? Well, no: I back this white city's bid. Mostly because I believe Chicago can avoid debt better than any city on earth. Maybe we'll burn her down again after the Games for the insurance money. Stay tuned: the Aviary will be posting all week about the countdown to Chicago or Rio 2016--Toyko and Madrid... are you kidding me? Labels: America, Chicago, International Affairs, News, Sports
Monday, July 13, 2009
American culture has truly been exported. On top of Arabian superstitions, now this family is blaming genies, spirits, and everyone but the ones truly at fault. My question: who is truly at fault in this case? The genie, or the person that used a wish to make this genie to harass this family? Labels: International Affairs, Modern Times, Mythology
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
We can declare victory now! Mission accomplished in Iraq! Yes, yesterday brought this news, meager against the deaths of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Billy Mays, a few thousand hungry children across the globe, and possibly Jeff Goldblum. However, Iraq is finally becoming independent... somewhat. The American pullout leaves towns, cities, and metropolitan areas to rule themselves. Our doughboys will keep the peace in the deserts and rural lands, but the cities are now Iraq's to protect. My one qualm with this situation: do you know what yesterday was called in Iraq? National Sovereignty Day! Lame. At least our day has oomph: the Fourth of July! Independence Day! If you want to join the big nations, you need to celebrate like us. Maybe not the 29th of June, since the jokes would be lame: Q: Does England have a 29th of June? A: Yes. So does America. So does everyone else. I guess that joke was never funny. But, National Sovereignty Day? I bet that doesn't even sound cool in even one of your country's languages. C'mon, Iraq: you could at least call the day the tried and true Independence Day. Or, better, Iraqi Freedom Day. Or, my personal preference, End of Operation Iraqi Freedom Day. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, two of our founding fathers and our second and third presidents, died 50 years later, on exactly the Fourth of July. You can't get more poetic oomph than that. Can I suggest you kill off a few of your own founding fathers? I know you can't kill them, it wouldn't be the same. But give them the suggestion that maybe they should die of old age on June 29th... in fifty years, at max? (Note: I am kidding. I am a peaceful blogger, not threatening ANYONE. Please don't jail me.) Iraq, there is plenty for you guys to do to spruce up your National Sovereignty Day. Getting chopping and rename it. Get your founding fathers to cooperate. However, one last tip: celebration with fireworks? Don't copy us. Labels: International Affairs
Sunday, June 07, 2009
So Friend of the Blog Danny had gone missing in China. I assumed the worst (like I always do), and on the eve of the 20th anniversary of the events at Tiananmen Square, when mankind and its indomitable spirit was pitted against tank treads and pavement. Unfortunately, the latter tag team won. I could only assume that Danny had been crushed similarly, being of liberal namby-pamby persuasion. I then heard that China cut off social media ties from the rest of the world, thus forcing a billion Chinese to stop farming magic cloth. (I do have to wonder what happened to the World of Warcraft economy. I'm guessing nothing, since I can only assume China made a distinction between WoW and other social media due to how far this would collapse their own economy.) Thankfully, Danny has since informed me to stop looking. He's found. I don't believe this for a second. When will Westerners learn of the impending body-snatching of our loved ones and replacement by digital Internet copies? This is obviously something we need to worry about now. Labels: International Affairs
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The continent of Europe got trolled! Czech artist David Cerny, to commemorate the rise of his home to the EU presidency, was commissioned to create a piece called Entropa with 26 other artists, one from each European nation. Like any good poor satirist, he decided to forget the money and make a whole lot of funny entries with his friends, including a Dracula theme park in Romania and an IKEA box in Sweden. Ah, kindred spirits... Britain and France are currently my favorites, and here: Wikipedia is hard at work for us Americans, documenting this historical event with a list of the nations. The main message I get is, I want to see this. Please, Europe, don't burn this. Keep it, and put it on display. (From Troll Watchdog, Pacman.) Labels: International Affairs, Trolling |
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