The Olympics sadly end today, bringing an end to Americans sitting on their couches, scratching their heads at inane-looking sports and spouting ethnic slurs. Overexertion-a-mundo! So we probably need to give you a highlight reel:
- China won the gold medal count, the first time many Americans have seen American lose in that category. Never fear though: CNN and every red-blooded American network counted the total medals as the 1st-place decider, putting America on top. FOX even counted the number of medals America stole away from China through upsets, robbings, and threatenings.
- The 2008 American Dream Team won gold, but some say it was Spain's to lose, pero ese es una mentira.
- A Kenyan won the marathon event for the first time. Mostly because they've been in marathons in other parts of the world usually, winning crateloads of money instead of silly gilded medallions.
- After clamoring from their respective fans, the titans Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt began a great race, water versus land. Then, after Bolt began to attack Phelps with static charges from his fists, Phelps attacked with a tsunami and chirped like a porpoise in victory. Bolt survived the attack and countered. The two fought through the night, Chinese military helpless to stop them from wrecking the city: thousands were hurt as the Chinese government released a statement about a minor nuclear mishap.
- Russia and Georgia are still fighting, somewhere in some obscure corner of that country. Georgia did not want to give up two of its bronze and one gold medal as part of the peace agreement.
- And then there's Cuban's great Tae Kwan Do master, the picture of calmness and a model of the discipline the sport embodies.
- As per the opening ceremony, the closing ceremony paraded the one great asset of China: ant-like manpower used to build human pyramids.
- A London double-decker bus came to pick up the Olympic flag, torch, etc. Then it transformed into Beckham-bot. He proceeded to take the symbolic soccer ball, then swear to protect it with his life. Bolt and Phelpsilla ganged up on him, and he handily defeated both. Beckham's spark died in the fight, though, protecting a young girl who now carried the All-Ball to London. "There is hope left for humanity," he said. "If you keep this safe, Great Britain."
- NBC announcers noted the handover was reminiscent of the Hong Kong transfer, only it was from China to Britain this time (and barring the giant robot scenario). Interesting note about history.
- In the spirit of all the records being broken, here's this.
And the Games are closed! See you guys in London (no one cares about Canada's winter games)!
Labels: Politics, Sports