Eaglie's Aviary

Monday, August 25, 2008

Happiness Is Two Lists in Two Days

With the end of the Olympics comes a long depression until the next Olympics, held the wellspring biome of happiness, the tundra. Bonus points for when they're in the RUSSIAN tundra in 2014.

And that heavy-handed lead spirals me into a discussion of an unscientific survey/study/thing-a-ma-bob: this list of happiness rankings. Us Americans don't get much love from it, but we'll live with it and our free speech and widening gap between the rich and the poor.

But why no enlightened Tibet? Why no blond-bombshelled Sweden? And where the fuck are the Christmas Islands? We head to the CIA World Factbook to check up on all the suspicious contenders. Some of them seem... less than adequate, happiness-wise:

10. Austria - This is a typo.
9. Canada - They still have a queen?! Britain's queen? Not even their own queen? I'm sorry: all the Stanley Cup beer bongs in the world wouldn't cheer me up from that.
8. The Netherlands - National and medicinal capital Amsterdam certainly refutes any argument I could make here. The only question is, why only eighth?
7. Switzerland - I don't know how to support this choice, one way or the other.
6. Ireland - Definitely a surprising choice for a place that sings Danny Boy too much. However, I'm guessing the survey counted all the Irish OUTSIDE the country, including the millions in Boston, Chicago, and the New York archdiocese.
5. Northern Ireland (pictured left) - The dark horse and Black Irish of the list is the home of the Black-and-Tan patrols and tire-iron terrorists. At least a decade ago: now it's demilitarized, Protty paramilitary and the IRA's handed in all their weapons, and the country is now very pea--OH, GOD, THERE GOES ANOTHER CHEVY!!!
4. Iceland - I thought surveys were supposed to to negate the margin of error by counting MORE than the one odd mushroom farmer.
3. Colombia - (See The Netherlands, but with more jitters and mouth foaming.)
2. Puerto Rico - Pero tu eres un parte de los Estados Unidos pero no eres un estado? Tu eres estupido? Que? Recibes Medicaid y no pagas la renta? Tu eres muy inteligente!
1. Denmark - (Insert morally ambiguous, mentally anguishing, revenge-driven soliloquy here.)

And what's up with the Eskimos on that first page?