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Friday, June 04, 2010
It's an environmental disaster! Do something before it gets worse than the Exxon Valdez! It will lead to the destruction of the Gulf Coast people and their homes! Do something, please, before it's worse than Hurricane Katrina! Nothing we can do about it while it makes the shrimping industry extinct? OH GOD, SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING, NOW!!! TOO MUCH!!! The British Petroleum oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico has been going for weeks now. In that time, we've seen the rare: perfect games in baseball, ALMOST-perfect games in baseball, and the rarest sight of all, a Chicago sports team on the verge of winning a championship. We've seen politicians backtrack on stupid statements made years ago. We've seen almost-covert military operations by Israel. And we saw someone get named an American Idol by text message. Not exactly rare things these days, but all these things, all the while, oil leaked out of the earth and into our seafood. Sigh. I will resign on this. There is no hope. That squeeze bottle of cocktail sauce in my fridge... so much will be wasted. Labels: America, Critters, Economics, News, Religion/Technology, Travel
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Everyone likes to know where their money goes when they give it to charity, so I decided to find out at the Chicago Auto Show back in February. The auto show is GIGANTIC every year. I've had uncles tell me they got lost in there, with little to eat but their own shoes and Connie's Pizza. But you'd expect it this year to be more subdued. After all, the car companies are hurting. They can't afford a spectacle. They, in fact, still need our help, and are probably shaving a bit off the top of the ticket prices to fund their legal teams for faulty, explosive hydrogen cells. The Big Three came out in force. The Big Numbers One through Three showed up, as did a lot of Japanese, Germans, and KIAns. Everyone and everything was there. ...including. The Chevy. VOLT!!!
The Chevy Volt is supposed to save the troubled Big Number Two (Chevy). If all goes according to plan, the car will come down on a Zeus-thrown, Hephaestus-forged thunderbolt to spear those incredibly low stocks, raise expectations, and reintroduce humans to cooking fire. (We'll need it soon.) With this, Chevy had a powerful case at this auto show that they were changing and fixing their internal problems. Transformers also made an appearance for Chevy, convincing me of this point.
Aside from military uses like that, when your tax dollars are at work, you want to know they are being used to make your life easier. (After all that math and imaginary numbers, what else?) The best part is, government loves to make things idiot-proof (as much for themselves as anyone). This year, they've outdone themselves with a new mandate, as there's no more throwing away the instruction manuals: they're printed right on the paint job!
This plug-in car plugs in... I think right here. Lambourgine made an appeasement of an appearance in the middle of the floor. This company is beginning to truly show the world what can be done to fix the energy crisis and reduce our dependence on foreign oil. They've harnessed the abundant natural drool of men wandering by.
Don't lie that you didn't short your keyboard. Hummer even managed to show its overcompensation of a grill, even in the face of environmentalist hatred. They even showed up with a lovely obstacle course. But the outraged people crowd, picketing Hummer's polluting policies, stopped anyone from getting in line for the obstacle course.
I ended my inspection the classic way: staring at greaser-mobiles and plucky Model-Ts.
By the way, back in MY day, cars didn't need bailouts--though they often needed a push. Labels: Chicago, Economics, Science/Technology
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Another friend has left on her flying wagon trail west--Andy's sister, Margaret, who likes drawing pictures of things that move, and thus needed to go to Hollywood. Someday I'll make it out to L.A., where the taxes aren't so high, no matter how much they complain about a "sunshine tax" out there. Did you know Californians think there's a sunshine tax? That they pay extra for the chance to live in the eternal western sunset? Try paying extra for the overcast days and bad weather, including the lovable slush storm we had today. Instead of having a tax, having a surcharge on your phone bill. Which, by the way, is taxable. And you Californians thought YOU had the creative people. Oh, and good luck out there, Magz.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Nine out of ten AIG executives agree: maybe becoming a pariah is a bad thing after all. Those executives are giving back all their bonus money that they took from the government (you know, that government of the people, by the people, and paid for by the people). I think they hope we all forget their names (we don't know them), and they'll be able to live normal lives again (with the millions they made BEFORE the general public started balancing their checkbooks). Only one AIG executive has held out, who apparently has already used this bonus to buy some rocky real estate on Mars. Congratulations, AIG Exec #10, on being the first dickhead to travel to another planet! The alien microbes would prefer you go away and leave their stuff alone, though. (And again, I'm sure this'll remind all my readers to pay their taxes/bailouts by April 15th.) Labels: Economics
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Everyone talks about the stimulus package like expert doctors. Some say it's an ointment but not a cure. Some call it a cure (the President). Others talk of it being a placebo, in this market-based economy of ours. But what if it really was a placebo? I don't mean if it pumped sugar and nothing else into the economy. What if Obama just said he was putting a stimulus package into the economy? He signed this sugar pill of a bill on Tuesday, but what if that was a ruse, and we're all part of the control group? Here's the scenario: no money goes into the economy, the infrastructure, anywhere. It's all fake, a feel-good spending-and-tax cuts bill, that costs the nation nothing (except the ink in Pres. Obama's pen: about $2 billion). And don't you know it, the stock market soars! Everyone's riding high! Everyone's going: buy! Buy! BUY! BUYBUYBUY!!! How much for golden egg futures?! Put it all on Snake Oil! That's how it'll be. A utopia. You know, until the inevitable crash of civilization two weeks later. This isn't your "5-Hour-Energy" stimulus package. Labels: Economics
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Today's economics hit the fortresses of our childhood memories hard. Yes, developer of Mortal Kombat and a whole lot of other arcade games I fed my quarters has been FINISHED (A FATALITY!!!), to use my own, completely original joke. But thankfully, they are not gone and dead. They did manage to hit CONTINUE, shall we say, by which I mean, Chapter 11 rather than Chapter 7. I leave you with a Twitter from their offices. Labels: Economics, General Nerdiness
Thursday, January 08, 2009
The Blogosphere is not lacking in dirty puns about this, except the Huffington Post, but we always knew she was a prude anyway. Of course, I kid you, Ariana. We know you didn't write that anyway. The struggling porn industry... actually, it's the struggling satirical magazines featuring porn industry... has asked for a bailout. (Well, that's one of them. The other's the guy who makes all the commercials.) No, the industry hasn't just asked: they have DEMANDED it, and it will not take a no with their pretty please for an answer. Internet porn has been just GIVING it away (the sluts they are... ogods, the puns!). And I'm guessing they won't get it, but at least it'll make a great story and a great movie starring David Duchovny as Larry Flynt. While they're at it, the Blogosphere could use a bailout movie deal, too.
Monday, December 29, 2008
At least one famous online retailer is racking up great numbers! Yes, even as retailers are reporting their worst numbers in years, Amazon sold a LOT of books-- Whoa, they sell stuff OTHER than books now? Like VHS tapes? They apparently are leading the charge into the online-only marketplace we're heading toward, with HTML strike-outs and red font for every tag! Someday, we won't even need five-story parking garages. We'll just need five-story mailboxes. It might be a sad reflection on society's changes in the digital age. The economy crumbling just seems to be sending us deeper into those changes. I, for one, will miss my Stretch-A-Dollar Market. It felt so freeing to drive there, browse stuff, break it, and drop it back onto those stainless-steel basket-shelves. I always did all my Christmas browsing, breaking, and dropping back there. (Link spotted on The Escapist.) Labels: Economics
Monday, December 08, 2008
In a sigh of relief for everyone everywhere, Jay Leno is still going to be making jokes about NBC at NBC. In other news, the Tribune "filed for bankruptcy protection," rather than simply bankruptcy. Too bad I don't know how finances work. Or is this just the media avoiding saying they "filed for bankruptcy"? I smell semantics. Little known fact: semantics smell like Canadian bacon. What's the difference with the smell of regular bacon? Eh. Labels: Economics, Is/Are the Media?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Screen Actors' Guild is gearing up for a strike, making it the only non-corporate group remotely in a position to demand more money. George Clooney relishes Hollywood's image of being out of touch and ahead of its time, so we ask: can we move to Hollywood's time? Maybe we can all find jobs then. Labels: Economics, Entertainment
Monday, November 24, 2008
Well, I am unjobbed, as those close to me and Eaglie have heard. Eaglie seems like an unrelenting bastard. But like any reasonable eagle, he believes in putting his wings over those he loves. I'd like to thank him for his support. And I'd like to thank friends, family, and coworkers for their thoughts and totally awesome friendships through all these years and months. One of the best parts of working at a publishing company has been the insane and OCD nerds that I've worked with, who were all so lovable to get drunk with the Friday after being laid off. I know well enough when I take a step back that I'll bounce back easily. There are people worse off than me. Heck, I still have Internet, don't I? And who knows? Maybe that first unemployment check can pay for my Christmas list...or the new electric bill in the mail today. Both Eaglie and I apologize for the very slow last two weeks. He and I will get producing new works, adventures, and sassiness again, don't you worry. Labels: Economics, Housecleaning |
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