BP (British Petroleum, for anyone who has been living under a rock called Amoco for the past few years) is unsurprisingly a petroleum giant based in Britain that began making waves on the American scene the past decade. I remember all those red-white-and-blue Amoco signs all switching to neon green and yellow. BP took up stations across the country and began happily charging import prices.

The most recent waves are ones that BP itself has literally been making in Lake Michigan. The ripples from these relatively small amounts of toxins are not taken lightly by me or the state of Illinois/Chicago. They are however taken plenty lightly by Indiana, that great wildlife park to the east of us. BP received a license to dump pollutants in the Great Lakes from Indiana, and when the EPA was called on to stop them by Illinois and especially Chicago politicians and residents, the EPA balked. BP can continue dumping.

Listen: when Chicago tells you you're dumping too much waste into Lake Michigan, it might be time to reexamine what you're doing. As for the EPA, this should be a standard.

Haven't we had enough trouble with the fishing industry around this lake? Like the carp need anything more toxic to bottom-feed off of. If they get much more, we might be dealing with a zombie fish apocalypse much sooner than expected.

Can even the staunchest capitalist want the Great Lakes polluted? Don't children, tasty fish, and water bottles swim in that? At least think about the consequences on those markets!

The EPA has sold us out to a privatised British company, and it bothers me. And Indiana has, too! Since when did you Southeasterners get cozy with the Redcoats? And the EPA again! When will you guys stop serving spotted owl stew in your cafeteria? Next election?!

As for BP, shame on you. Coming into America, you should be more courteous like the stereotypes we hold of that country! Why, when you're coming into a country full of assholes do you have to partake?! And I hear many of your employees aren't even British!

Dumping toxins into one of the biggest freshwater lakes in the world, just because Britain has to live without such a thing! And we were going to export them more water bottles, finest, most abundant in the world (before you started polluting their water).

BP, clean up your act or else. Otherwise, you will face the ultimate consequences from the American people: boycotting your teagasoline!

I propose a few other things to remedy this situation: (1) In the invasion of Indiana, we airlift all Chicago garbage, debris, and Illinois radioactive waste to their capital. That's Indianapolis, right? I always forget whether they have a city big enough to be a capital in that state. (2) Annex the Indiana Dunes to become the Chicago Dunes, cutting off Indiana from the Lake. And c'mon, they're really ours anyway. (3) Threaten the mothers of employees of the EPA. (4) If #3 doesn't work, hold another election for that whachamajingie office? President?

Labels: Longer Stuff