The cult hits of the 1990s, The X-Files, Millennium, that Jessica Alba show, and Buffy specifically, and The X-Files even more specifically, led the way for nerdy television viewership. It led me to see the shadow around every turn, the monster under every bed, and the conspiracy in every cereal box.

Now, a new show in a long line of recent one-word-one-title shows, Fringe, has come to occupy the hyped world of Nerd HD. Avoiding the heated discussions of the producer's shaky camerawork in an earlier work, Andy and I caught the first episode, a roaring hour and 35 minutes (with commercial breaks punctuated by x-ray shots proclaiming how many seconds each break would be, which was useful while also trying to watch a tied-up Cubs game--if they keep this feature, scratch any criticisms of this show, ever. I mean, I can TIME my bathroom breaks... INC! POTTY!).

The premise is highly new millennium: terror is alive in this world, and Homeland Security is working to save us all from telekinesis. Anna Torv plays a wonderful new character who is certainly NOT Scully. She is adorable and the protagonist. Denethor (John Noble) makes his debut as a madcap scientist, Dr. Bishop. The man has got old, mad, and estranged from a son right. Pacey from Capeside--AKA a Creek named after another guy, a guy named Dawson--AKA Joshua Jackson--plays the estranged son. He is in Iraq when we first meet him and seems dumb as a rock until he starts spouting various scientific things two-thirds of the way through. The head of ever-*cough*mysterious Homeland Security makes an appearance and gave me Assistant Director Kersh vibes. As the episode went on though, it became obvious he was just been stolen from another, more recent show. And we can't forget Agent Whatshisname who may or may not be a plot point. Did I mention this had spoilers?

The show invites former X-Philes (Ex-Philes), nay, it challenges them to get in the seat and compare and contrast. It's a middle school essay contest, only with less ESP and more writing on arms.

Compare: A disease that reminds us all of the first movie, gelatinous skin and everything? And also "The Pine Bluff Variant," if you happen to REALLY need the nerdy and gory details of the atmosphere. Former M-S shippers already are lining up with their bookies. Oh, and the text announcing each location!

Actually this text invites a contrast. The text is added into the scene. I repeat: it is added into the scene. I really don't know how to explain that any more. It is a 3-D, metallic text that looks diegetic (in the scene, damn it!), but it is not actually there. People walk through, planes fly through, and squirrels bury nuts in the Os without ever noticing. It seems like a desperate cry out to contrast with The X-Files, CSI, and all other investigation shows.

All in all though, this feels like The X-Files, only with a heavier heart from years of the War on Terror, and with less chemistry from its main actors. However, it plays on one nice twist to The Great X-Files Two-Agent Conspiracy-Hunting Formula: they USE the ESP, teleportation, reincarnation, and other paranormal phenomena. And that might keep my interest until 9/8c next Tuesday.

But for now: Byers!

Labels: General Nerdiness, Review

This is an honest attempt to review something. This is something I don't do. Bear with me.

Everyone I know is addicted to this game, Audiosurf. It's bad: it loads like iTunes, but is a game! It's genius! It's insidious! It's starvation and insomnia in a pop-up box!

The premise of the game is--well, it's like an old arcade game, really. It's about advancing your score, not about a storyline. As the mainstream media would put it, the game is a cross between Bust-a-Move, Guitar Hero, and Cruisin' USA. It's a racing game, building a road out of the pitch and speed of a music file. Any mp3 you have becomes a racetrack.

The highway itself looks like a surreal rainbow rollercoaster, and it is about as hypnotic as Mario Kart 64's Rainbow Road, but the songs are your choice. Next person to use Rainbow Road's theme gets a cookie though.

The Bust-a-Move part comes in the "traffic" on the road. Suspiciously-colored blocks come whizzing at your racecar and will go into rows you build up (when you pick them up). That's where the points come from, and that's where the yelling and testosterone-induced, arcade-style addicting competition comes from.

For a brief shining moment, I was #7 globally on Portal's amazing credits song "Still Alive" (the robotic voice version). Bear in mind this is the most popular song currently in the whole game. Besides those bragging rights, my friends and I have been battling it out to see who could do better at a few of the faster They Might Be Giants songs, and any song about driving tends to be great. Speaking of driving songs, I should try "Teen Angel" or "Last Kiss" next...

Currently, I'm being yelled at for setting a few impossibly high scores that none of my friends can beat. Of course, I can’t even beat my high scores: they're way too high. But whether you call them luck or hacks, I still have them.

The high scores lists are very buggy at the moment, and the game is a surprising system hog: my computer overheated twice the first day of playing. This has since leveled out, but still...

There. People told me I had to write a negative paragraph. You happy? Am I a legitimate critic now? Or am I going to have to recite a speech from Ratatouille right now?

The game is innovative, addicting, and a fairly quick load. Catch me as [FoH] Eaglie, hacking knocking down your high scores.

Audiosurf Info

• http://www.audio-surf.com


• Developer: BestGameEver (http://www.bestgameever.com)


• Release Date: February 11, 2008


• $9.95 through Steam (and it comes with the Orange Box soundtrack, which means you get the amazing "Still Alive" for free with $9.95 purchase! What a deal! What a way to make a living, shilling other people's stuff! I'm quitting the review business!)

Labels: Review

Sigh. I lack my original document, so instead I'll give you a quick rundown of my review (which was awesome).

• Alex, a frequent Aviary contributor, reviewed it for me in text message: "lol, whuh."


• Alex would later tell me how the movie would further serve to ignite the culture wars, except that any blowhard who's read the poem won't be seeing the movie.


• I thought to myself, wow, I'm going to see it.


• I thought the fight with Grendel was great. The fire thing? A bit much. The hearing thing? Cool, though would Beowulf really try to destroy Grendel's ears if his hearing is his only weakness?


• Old English?! The monster spoke in Old English!


• But none of the characters can pronounce Old English worth a damn. "SCOP" is not pronounced with a "k" as "SKOP." It's pronounced "SHOP." GET YOUR STUFF RIGHT, IDIOTS!


• If those are my only complaints, it's a good experience so far.


• Something bad is coming, and her name is Angelina Jolie.


• Beowulf goes into Grendel's Mother's Lair, and all Hell breaks loose. My mind officially leaves the theater at this point.


• The Dragon is really cool, but the information tying him into this movie make me want to follow my brain out the door.


• The Dragon is really an Oscar statue?


• WTF! GRENDEL'S MOM W... no, no spoilers here. Really. I'll give you the real review sometime... maybe.


• The pop ballad in the credits... that's all I'm sayin'.

Labels: Review