|
Americans are Americans, no matter what genre you put them in.
Aviary RSS
Blogrolololol
Archives
Spam isn't a vegetable.
|
Monday, March 17, 2008
St. Patrick Confused by Movement of Feast Day DUBLIN - The patron saint of Ireland and snake-whacking St. Patrick expressed dismay over the movement of his feast day in a statement released today. While acknowledging "the terrible debauchery and property destruction" St. Patrick's Day causes every year, the former bishop had harsh words for the Catholic Church. "Moving my [expletive] day? My day?" Patrick said. "How do you get off on moving a [expletive] saint's day, [Pope Benedict XVI]? When did you get all high and [expletive] mighty?" Due to an early Holy Week for Catholics, the earliest for the next 200 years, the Church moved the Feast of St. Patrick to March 15th instead of its usual date, March 17th. "The Church might be [expletive] infallible once in a [expletive] while," Patrick said. "But my [expletive] feast is not [expletive] Easter or, God knows, Pentecost! It's a spe-[expletive]-ific day! Why not move [expletive] Easter anyway?" The Vatican has not responded. Labels: News Fit to Print
Sunday, March 18, 2007
All Traffic Lights Kept Green for St. Patrick's Day, Dozens Perish Chicago's Holiday Celebration Turns Deadly  Chicago, IL- In a disastrous day for the city of Chicago, the executive order by Mayor Richard M. Daley to "Irish" up the city for St. Patrick's Day with all-green traffic lights did not go well. The traffic light vacation was ordered to end at 6pm, six hours earlier than scheduled. Still, the damage was done. Intersections across the city are still being cleaned up from pileups of cars. The deathtoll is currently at 37, and the estimated number in the hospital from the incidents is over 150. It was an attempt, officials said, to up the ante on Chicago's St. Patrick's traditions. The city is famous across the world for dyeing its river green at St. Paddy's Day, and with this year's St. Patrick's Day being on the same day as the main parade, City Hall issued the order it would regret within hours. "It was a mistake," Daley stated in his released apology. "We did not have the manpower to protect citizens in this level of celebration. It was an honest mistake." Other reactions around the city were not so kind (though all stayed anonymous): "What was the Mayor thinking? Of all the ways to celebrate a drinking holiday, screwing with traffic lights is not one of them." Another anonymous interviewee had a political opinion: "We just gave him the Democratic nomination, but I bet we can take that back. I'm sure there's a Republican we can vote for in the general election." "Next year, maybe we should just dye all the police horses green," an anonymous officer mused. The 2016 Olympic Committee was fortunately out of town, but the topic is sure to be discussed, nationally and internationally. Labels: News Fit to Print
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
New Pope Panics Vinyards Everywhere Reporter Explor the Newb  VATICAN CITY - In his first move as holy father of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI stunned progressives and conservatives alike by removing wine as the favorite blood of Christ, replacing it instead with beer. "Good German beer, not the fake stuff" (a rough translation), said the pope in his pronouncement. Beer will be replacing wine immediately as the blood of Christ, for it is more suitable to the poor and lower classes for which Christ stood for. Plus, Oktoberfest will rock at St. Peter's Basillica next year!" The announcement occured while the new pope spoke ex cathedra. For 2000 years, wine has served as the drink which Catholics believe Jesus Christ turned into his own blood, and gave to his apostles (and thus, to his followers, the Church). The Church, up until now, has not mentioned any unhappiness with this arrangement. Even during his acceptance of duties as pope, Benedict XVI mentioned he was in a "vinyard" as part of a metaphor. However, the new pope has made this move within a day of his election to the head of the Church, making it possible this move was planned long before today. After the pronouncement, French and Italian cardinals present staged a walkout. Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Ratsinger, was recently elected as pontiff of the Roman church. Many considered him to be very reactionary and conservative, looking to stifle reforms in the church. However, if this is any evidence, there is hope now for feminist and pro-choice Catholics. It is also worth mentioning that the pope is the first German pope in 1000 years, making the pronouncement only a little less weird. The Vatican declined comment on the rumors that bratwurst would replace wafers as the host, though speculation is the jokes coming from making a sausage the "body of Christ" would be too much. Labels: News Fit to Print |
Like the Aviary?
Try Dave Barry Dave's Blog Dave's Site Dave's Columns
Chicago
Humor
Gaming
Sports
Technology
Politics
Informational
Completely Different |
