2003? 2004? 2005? Four years of tradition gets on one's nerves.

Ha! I'm only kidding. You know me, I'm a lover of tradition! I'm a Catholic! Still, four years is a long time. High school is also a long time, which is equal to four years (that's a proof, by the way). But, why should I blabber about my stuff? We have another number four to worry about. It's time for that switch to 2007, and the Apocalypse is still fast approaching, as it has been for the past four billion years.

It's time for Eaglie's Four Horsemen of 2006!

It's not often us satirists get such an easy mark... well, okay, I'm lying, there are always ridiculously easy marks (the definition of "politician"), but it's not often "easy mark" becomes a pun when referring to the Vice President. Yes, Vice President Dick Cheney shot his friend Joey Whittington (a lawyer who has done the unheard of and not pressed charges) this year, while attempting to shoot a quail in Texas. Luckily, both the lawyer and quail survived. Within hours, a flurry of jokes began circulating through email boxes concerning the VP and his hunting abilities:

Q: What do you get when you cross Dick Cheney with a stingray?

A: SOMETHING TOO SOON!

Congratulations, Dick, on being named Horseman of War, 2006!

One of the weirdest scandals of the year is that of our Horseman of Famine: ex-Congressman Mark Foley (R-FL). The scandal broke in September that the barely-known Republican from Jupiter Co. (home of the Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum) was exchanging somewhat explicit Instant Messages with underage male pages. Yes, the party of family values had a gay mole, and the Republicans attempted a coverup. This lasted until the newspaper of the Democrats (the New York Times), selflessly and without any regard for how much this could help the party it supports, accused the Republicans of being scum and leaked the scandal. Foley left Congress and entered a clinic for alcoholism. The Republicans, due to their efforts to help their sick party member, were rewarded for their generosity by the American people and swept the midterm elections (in case you're reading this 20+ years down the road, this is sarcasm).

But why the Horseman of Famine? Seems like an odd title for Foley, but I really don't think he actually got any from those pages. Poor guy. At least he wasn't thirsty.

You know how TIME named its Person of the Year, "You?" I can't believe how lazy TIME magazine is, really. To not take the time and actually find a real person, after how many years of picking people. TIME even gave us a little mirror on select, collectible covers (some editions make you look tall and skinny, some make you look squat and fat, and some make you look like an hourglass).

Personally, I'm worried about other magazines and media sources becoming this lazy. Therefore, worried about the spread of this, I deem thee, TIME, Pestilence, 2006.

And my Horseman of Death this year is none other than YOU. You made YouTube and YTMND popular. You helped Britney Spears and Paris Hilton become friends. You gave Michael Richards his fear of black people and Mel Gibson his alcoholism-induced Anti-Semitism (or is it anti-Semitism-induced alcoholism?). It was You who brought down the mighty and raised up the inane. You are the Horseman of Death... because You deserve it. Don't be so modest, and enjoy your name in italics while You can.



Happy New Year!

Labels: Four Horsemen, Longer Stuff

Dave steps on my toes a little, methinks.

But Merry Christmas again, anyway! Trust no one!

And the Truth is out there!

Really. God. Why?

And the extra spice to really make you cry!

I think I've got them figured out! But you'll have to wait a few more days while I... hammer it out.

Everyone's favorite non-Democratic former president, Gerrie Ford, just died. The world will miss your falling.

It is also noted that James Brown, everyone's favorite soul singer (POSSIBLY DURING THE TIME OF FORD'S PRESIDENCY?!?! HMMM?!) died yesterday. If these are related, everyone's favorite top agent for justice (not me) will get to the bottom of it.

I'll be pulling the strings in the background.

This Christmas, I got some books of satire, some Marvel comics, some stuffed toys, and a Christmas pickle.

Also, I received some sugarplums, but I still have no idea what sugarplums are. They look like little lumpy... stuff. I'm not all that brave, and the Internet has failed me.

WHAT ARE THEY?!?!?!

Forgot to say that... also, I've been watching stuff about Bozo and classic comedy, and so now I know something else I need to get, Joey D'Auria's (the Bozo of MY childhood) book.

Disclaimer: The views expressed herein are meant to be humorous, so do not believe that I condone usage of this for your loved ones' gifts. Sure, maybe your friends, maybe even an aunt or a cousin, but definitely not your own mother or father… you should have your limits!

There are a few things to know about gifts, of course. Gift-giving is an ancient tradition of humanity, from the days of the Trojan Horse to the age of feudalism and of giving of a man's daughter to keep tax collectors and marauding hordes away. During the age of exploration, Europeans were notorious for coming to parties and picking up the natives' thoughtful gifts. Even Adolf Hitler received Czechoslovakia as a gift from Britain and France.

We Americans have taken gift-giving to a whole new level. We created the idea of "guilting" others into buying gifts. Just look at stores around Christmastime. Are those flashy lights and songs really there to make us think about the holidays? NO! We have Christmas specials on TV for that! The lights and little jingles exude an aura of guilt that latches onto any American that goes near enough. Something similar is done for almost every holiday in the US. Thankfully, the corporations have left Casmir Pulaski Day alone!

Gift-giving is human nature. We enjoy it; we loathe it. We give gifts out of love; we give gifts with revenge on our minds. It is our way of life. That said, I have compiled a number of ideas on how to rate a person's gift-giving ability, because why not?

Before opening gift, there is a great deal of factors to consider:


• Count the air holes: This one should tip you off to the nature of the gift.


• Square yards of wrapping paper used to wrap the gift. Bring a tape measure.


• Price tag (or lack thereof): A missing price tag would probably mean the object was either so expensive that the gift giver did not want to hurt your feelings or the item was on sale. On the same subject, if there is a man-made hole where the barcode should be, be suspicious and ask questions.


• Metric tons the gift weighs. Also, it should not make a trumpeting noise like an elephant, unless you actually asked for that kind of thing.


• Is the giver on the edge of his or her seat? Are they snickering? Did they dive for cover behind the closest sofa or chair?


• Noises: If you can track down a gift through beeping, it is likely electronic. If it is not electronic and it beeps, do not open the gift without first putting on a lead vest and heavy lead work gloves.


• Smell: There is no need to elaborate.

After the opening of the gift, consider:


• Assembly required and number of attempts to assemble (explosions where no flammable substances are present count double)


• Batteries required and just how many are not included


• Decibels of initial laugh/scream


• Special note: If you can classify the gift into a phylum or genus, I would be especially careful


• If it gives off a blistering amount of heat, you may need to skip the vest, gloves, and fire department at this point... call your local FBI office.

This is a list to consider when you're opening a gift, but make sure your friends rate you too! A respectable score for your own gift-giving ability is 15 or higher. Any less and you look like Scrooge. And not any old Scrooge... George C. Scott's portrayal of Scrooge. You should never try to look like that Scrooge. If you must be a one, at least be Scrooge McDuck.

Just how do you get a 15? Hell if I know.

I'm really worried. I've been awake AAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL this time, and Santa still refuses to come. I would say he got lost, but NORAD said he just reached the West Coast on radar. He may never come to my house now!

Maybe I need to sleep on this.

I'VE BEEN USING A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS IN MY TITLES LATELY! IS IT THE CHRISTMAS CHEER?!

OR MAYBE IT'S JUST ME COMPENSATING FOR HOLIDAY DEPRESSION?!

TALK TO YOU AGAIN TONIGHT, WHEN NORAD'S SANTATRACKER IS ACTIVE OVER THE U.S.!

Yeah... well, it's almost Christmas, and I'm pretty busy, soooo...

Merry Almost-Christmas (I'll do something soon, I promise. Heck, it's almost time for my Four Horsemen!)!

dear santa,

we have been having troubles with the toys youve brought us in the past. our parents said it would be a lot to fix them, so we decided to ask you for some new ones. mommy and daddy dont think we need any new toys. we know better and so do you santa.

what we want for xmas:

• new rails


• new conductors


• new illinois congressmen/chicago alderman


• flame decals on every other front car


• new warning track lights


• more service on the purple line


• privatization


• a kitten

PS NO MORE BUMS IN THERMAL UNDERWEAR AND WOOL SOCKS

thanks santa!

sincerely,
cta

Personally, "CTA," I'd expect coal again. Too bad trains don't run on that anymore.

If you have access to the Washington Post, read this.

...what?

Though I'm kind of tired of trilogies, the Pinnochio bit late in this trailer got my attention (and affection).

Hey, SPIKE TV named Elder Scrolls IV the Game of the Year, something I agree with, at least because of the fact that Guitar Hero II, while fun, is still just Guitar Hero I with an extra "I."

Peter Boyle died while I was away from my computer! God damn it!

Seriously, miss him for all his work, not just "Ray Romano's dad." Like the Monster in "Young Frankenstein!"

He was also Clyde Bruckman in an X-Files episode (one of my favorites, by the way)!

See! Lots!

"I Know a Bot"

I know one, too. Her name is SmarterChild.

We shall keep watch on this.

The differences between the US and Germany

What to remember:
"T-shirts with funny texts printed on are much more common in the US."
"German jelly donuts contain a lot less jelly than American ones."

...that if I keep shilling Dave's book for him, he'll shill mine?

Remember all those old claymation films that Bozo used to show? Well, I didn't find the videos, but I found what I really wanted myself... the mp3s. Here's the songs that go with them:

Suzy Snowflake, Hardrock, Cocoa, and Joe, and Frosty the Snowman

We three kings of Orient are,
Smoking on a la-arge cigar.
It was loaded, it exploded.

[Pause, drop one voice]

We two kings of Orient are,
Smoking on a la-arge cigar.
It was loaded, it exploded.

[Pause, drop another voice]

I one king of Orient are
Smoking on a la-arge cigar.
It was loaded, it exploded.

[Pause, all sing solemnly]

Silent night, Holy night. . .

Without having some sort of chocolates inside.

Today's Audiences Just Don't Get Me by Aristophanes

I got on the El today, skimming the Greek historian Plutarch's essay on Alkibiades for an paper due later, but then I noticed something at the front end of the car by the doors between the cars: two pigeons were huddled inside the El car. I waited for the car to get crowded enough, so people to startle them. It took 'til Belmont for someone practically sat on top of them. They flew over everyone, and then sat in the doorway. Someone threw them bread, and a couple people and I hatched a plan to get rid of them at Fullerton. I shooed them out with Plutarch, and as they flew into the crowd of people waiting to get on, I shouted, "Get out of here, damn Depaul kids!"

...it's good to have a little motivation.

Now that Andy's done blubbering, I can have a say. Thanks, Andy, for creating me. I'm always happy, but c'mon, existing for five years is a nice thing. How did you readers feel on your fifth birthday? Proud enough not to poop on yourself, I bet.

I've spent time as an Elf, a zombie, a vampire, an astronaut, a Jedi, and an energy-shooting superhero, to mention a few favorites. I always miss the first days, my first two-and-a-half years as the Wood Elf Ranger of Sullon. However, as long as my Flowers and collection of Bard skulls are around, I'll never be lonely. Plus, I have a very whiny Andy to keep from crying. Maybe I'll buy him a new handkerchief for Christmas. Should there be little puppies on it? Pussy.

Thanks, readers, for putting up with my lesser, meeker side, and for putting up with me, the arrogant bastard I am. It does mean a lot after five years.

It's been five years since the day I typed a certain name into the NAME window of EQ and punched "SEND". Five years since a part of me was born. Five years of schizophrenia.

You may think more about when I began the Aviary, May 5th, 2003, a year-and-a-half later. That was the day that Eaglie took on a whole new level (snicker... "level") of being, the cynical commentator he is today. But the beginning was when Eaglie was first chosen as a name, and it really is a second birthday to me. I don't celebrate it so much like a birthday, or else you'd have seen this the last few years. Instead, I've just waited until a milestone. Five years.

December 5th, 2001 was a day to remember. I do not remember much about the day, mostly because I probably had to do some work for my American Lit. class. The night before, Dec. 4th, I came up with the perfect name for a character on the deity wars PvP server of EverQuest, Sullon Zek, a literal hive of scum and villainy. The worst of the worst went there, wanting to kill anyone with impunity... the main reason to make an appearance on the server was that any player could attack any player of any level. Anyone who wanted to slaughter low levels could. Murderers, rapists, and tax evaders flocked to the server.

There could be only one character per account on Sullon, so I could no longer share with my sister. In a bid to join her and her friends on the server, I needed my own account. This being sophomore year of high school, I convinced my parents to put another account on their credit card. I wanted to be among Maeple, Wolfie, and Doggie, my sister and her friends, all surnamed Puppydogg. I wanted to join them, Fansy the Famous, and the Flowers of Happiness, their guild whose mission was to kill anyone and anything deemed unhappy. That was everyone and everything, by the way.

With this account of my own, I finally had my chance! I was awake the night of Dec. 4th thinking up a name. Something to match the Puppydoggs. I wanted to belong. I finally arrived at a name, but not a dog name. I arrived at a bird name, one that actually worked very well with the "-ie" ending. The perfect name for a Wood Elf Ranger: Eaglie.

By December 6th, I was lvl six, and I met up with the likes of Fansy in Greater Faydark near Orc Hill. He and a lot of newbies like me were trying to drive off a high lvl Evil Bard named Bartlar. He invited me to the Flowers at the behest of Wolfie that night, and I got to shoot arrows at Bartlar before being killed. Orc Hill trains never did much to lvl 30 plus bards.

I never knew Eaglie would be a name lasting me this long. I'd come up with ideas before, but most never lasted more than a few months, let alone five years. I never knew Eaglie would become what he is, an Elf in his own right. Now, Eaglie ranges far beyond the game of EQ. He ranges beyond WoW, Runescape, EQ2, Knights of the Old Republic, Neverwinter Nights, Halo, City of Heroes... all the games he's ever graced. He's beyond me as a person. He is not just me anymore, and he hasn't been me for a long time. Andy and Eaglie are essentially separate people, if people haven't figured that out by now. Same body, same voice, but different personalities, sometimes in great conflict with each other's opinions... self-deprecation at its weirdest. I lie when I still use my current AIM handle, since I am not EaglieHappyToo. Eaglie is EaglieHappyToo. I am simply Andy.

Sorry I wasn't funny like I promised I'd be for this day. I ended up downright sentimental.

Labels: Longer Stuff

You guys probably want something to read, don't you. Well, to tide you over, here's a group project I just finished. During the presentation, I snapped at the teacher when he said for the fourth time that we needed to move on (which he didn't do to the other groups which had gone over time almost as much... I called him on that).

Anyway, here's to a 10 out of 20pts.! (I'll probably pick up some of this site and put it on my webspace sometime.

Your Entrance to All Freakin' Knowledge (AFK)!

Also, try guessing which pages I wrote, and which ones my groupmates (there were two) wrote!

Only from The Onion.

The best of hobbit rap.

An extended gag reel for Firefly!

Hell yes I'd watch that Big Brother!

...who just have trouble with coyotes.

He has a new book out, by the way.

St. Ignatius Chicago had its first Snow Day (defined as: a day where school is entirely cancelled due to snow) in maybe 20 years. Makes me want to punch Dr. Watts a little bit for never cancelling school while I was there. There were MUCH worse winter days than today while I was there.

...when the Web has unlimited hamster potential.

It's gonna be terrible... and I'm still not gonna see it, but maybe someone will get a glimmer of a laugh out of it.

For the scholar.

It is December, and I still need good cookies.