Eaglie's Aviary

Eaglie's Aviary

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Monday, December 25, 2006

The Art of Interpreting Gifts
posted by Eaglie at 1:46 PM

Disclaimer: The views expressed herein are meant to be humorous, so do not believe that I condone usage of this for your loved ones' gifts. Sure, maybe your friends, maybe even an aunt or a cousin, but definitely not your own mother or father… you should have your limits!

There are a few things to know about gifts, of course. Gift-giving is an ancient tradition of humanity, from the days of the Trojan Horse to the age of feudalism and of giving of a man's daughter to keep tax collectors and marauding hordes away. During the age of exploration, Europeans were notorious for coming to parties and picking up the natives' thoughtful gifts. Even Adolf Hitler received Czechoslovakia as a gift from Britain and France.

We Americans have taken gift-giving to a whole new level. We created the idea of "guilting" others into buying gifts. Just look at stores around Christmastime. Are those flashy lights and songs really there to make us think about the holidays? NO! We have Christmas specials on TV for that! The lights and little jingles exude an aura of guilt that latches onto any American that goes near enough. Something similar is done for almost every holiday in the US. Thankfully, the corporations have left Casmir Pulaski Day alone!

Gift-giving is human nature. We enjoy it; we loathe it. We give gifts out of love; we give gifts with revenge on our minds. It is our way of life. That said, I have compiled a number of ideas on how to rate a person's gift-giving ability, because why not?

Count the air holes: This one should tip you off to the nature of the gift.

Square yards of wrapping paper used to wrap the gift. Bring a tape measure.

Price tag (or lack thereof): A missing price tag would probably mean the object was either so expensive that the gift giver did not want to hurt your feelings or the item was on sale. On the same subject, if there is a man-made hole where the barcode should be, be suspicious and ask questions.

Metric tons the gift weighs. Also, it should not make a trumpeting noise like an elephant, unless you actually asked for that kind of thing.

Is the giver on the edge of his or her seat? Are they snickering? Did they dive for cover behind the closest sofa or chair?

Noises: If you can track down a gift through beeping, it is likely electronic. If it is not electronic and it beeps, do not open the gift without first putting on a lead vest and heavy lead work gloves.

Smell: There is no need to elaborate.

Assembly required and number of attempts to assemble (explosions where no flammable substances are present count double)

Batteries required and just how many are not included

Decibels of initial laugh/scream

Special note: If you can classify the gift into a phylum or genus, I would be especially careful

If it gives off a blistering amount of heat, you may need to skip the vest, gloves, and fire department at this point... call your local FBI office.

This is a list to consider when you're opening a gift, but make sure your friends rate you too! A respectable score for your own gift-giving ability is 15 or higher. Any less and you look like Scrooge. And not any old Scrooge... George C. Scott's portrayal of Scrooge. You should never try to look like that Scrooge. If you must be a one, at least be Scrooge McDuck.

Just how do you get a 15? Hell if I know.

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