Eaglie's Aviary

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Four Horsemen, 2006!

2003? 2004? 2005? Four years of tradition gets on one's nerves.

Ha! I'm only kidding. You know me, I'm a lover of tradition! I'm a Catholic! Still, four years is a long time. High school is also a long time, which is equal to four years (that's a proof, by the way). But, why should I blabber about my stuff? We have another number four to worry about. It's time for that switch to 2007, and the Apocalypse is still fast approaching, as it has been for the past four billion years.

It's time for Eaglie's Four Horsemen of 2006!

It's not often us satirists get such an easy mark... well, okay, I'm lying, there are always ridiculously easy marks (the definition of "politician"), but it's not often "easy mark" becomes a pun when referring to the Vice President. Yes, Vice President Dick Cheney shot his friend Joey Whittington (a lawyer who has done the unheard of and not pressed charges) this year, while attempting to shoot a quail in Texas. Luckily, both the lawyer and quail survived. Within hours, a flurry of jokes began circulating through email boxes concerning the VP and his hunting abilities:

Q: What do you get when you cross Dick Cheney with a stingray?

A: SOMETHING TOO SOON!


Congratulations, Dick, on being named Horseman of War, 2006!

One of the weirdest scandals of the year is that of our Horseman of Famine: ex-Congressman Mark Foley (R-FL). The scandal broke in September that the barely-known Republican from Jupiter Co. (home of the Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum) was exchanging somewhat explicit Instant Messages with underage male pages. Yes, the party of family values had a gay mole, and the Republicans attempted a coverup. This lasted until the newspaper of the Democrats (the New York Times), selflessly and without any regard for how much this could help the party it supports, accused the Republicans of being scum and leaked the scandal. Foley left Congress and entered a clinic for alcoholism. The Republicans, due to their efforts to help their sick party member, were rewarded for their generosity by the American people and swept the midterm elections (in case you're reading this 20+ years down the road, this is sarcasm).

But why the Horseman of Famine? Seems like an odd title for Foley, but I really don't think he actually got any from those pages. Poor guy. At least he wasn't thirsty.

You know how TIME named its Person of the Year, "You?" I can't believe how lazy TIME magazine is, really. To not take the time and actually find a real person, after how many years of picking people. TIME even gave us a little mirror on select, collectible covers (some editions make you look tall and skinny, some make you look squat and fat, and some make you look like an hourglass).

Personally, I'm worried about other magazines and media sources becoming this lazy. Therefore, worried about the spread of this, I deem thee, TIME, Pestilence, 2006.

And my Horseman of Death this year is none other than YOU. You made YouTube and YTMND popular. You helped Britney Spears and Paris Hilton become friends. You gave Michael Richards his fear of black people and Mel Gibson his alcoholism-induced Anti-Semitism (or is it anti-Semitism-induced alcoholism?). It was You who brought down the mighty and raised up the inane. You are the Horseman of Death... because You deserve it. Don't be so modest, and enjoy your name in italics while You can.



Happy New Year!

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