Eaglie's Aviary

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Look Back at the 1st Part of a Stupid Decade

I do not write that title with any levity. I started writing this blog in the Aughts, or as I like to call them, the Ohs. And in, "Oh dear, it's not Oh-Nine anymore." And the Ohs started in 20-OH-OH! That's a lifetime ago! And in that time, needless to say, I've watched a lot of stupid things happen. And sometimes I've done stupid things. One thing that wasn't stupid? My "Horsemen" awards.

This "Four Horsemen" schtick (Four Horshmen?) has been a staple of my writing. All those years... 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008

I even did a recap last year. But what kind of gimmick can I come up with this year to prolong my finest annual work? And who really could've been the Four Horsemen of 2000? And 2001? And 2002? There are years here I didn't have a chance to make fun of because Blogger wasn't a glint in the eye of anyone important, especially not Bono! So let's start off this new decade by crapping on the last one.

    Eaglie's Retroactive Post-Decade-ous Horsemen of 2000
  • Choice for my 2000 Horseman of War: George Bush, Sr. Thanks, for both your sons and Florida and chads and the governor of Florida and the Supreme Court decision and Al Gore and did I mention George W. Bush?

  • Choice for my 2000 Horseman of Pestilence: The ILOVEYOU computer virus proved the vulnerability of computers, and its heralding was the first time most people over 50 thought a computer had the flu.

  • Choice for my 2000 Horseman of Famine: Computers across the globe, who disproved the vulnerability of computers when they didn't explode when the year rolled over to Y2K. (Remember that term?) This screwed with our minds, as the computers laughed about it all the way to the bank (after ordering all the world's boxes of champagne for themselves).

  • Choice for my 2000 Horseman of Death: Charles Schultz, who wrote his last Peanuts comic and died the day it printed... eerie, appropriate, and good grief.

    Eaglie's Retroactive Post-Decade-ous Horsemen of 2001
  • War: DO YOU REALLY NEED ME TO TELL YOU?! I MEAN, YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!! (Never Forget. The greatest meme of our time.)

  • Pestilence: Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, who installed a monument to the Ten Commandments at his Alabama courthouse. Which were removed, or not, or were. And the world was made safe from religion, or for religion, or from, whichever. A truly constitutional herald of the End Times.

  • Famine: Wikipedia, which launched. God help us who use it to look up everything, including the research for this post.

  • Death: Enron, which went bankrupt. With this Dot-Com Bubble officially burst and the Internet was never profitable again.

    Eaglie's Retroactive Post-Decade-ous Horsemen of 2002
  • War: Tom Ridge, Secretary of the new-created Dept. of Homeland Security. From here on in, America was forever safe from restaurant-goers not wearing shirts and socks.

  • Pestilence: Michael Jackson, who dangled a baby over a ledge while changing his... what, too soon?

  • Famine: Oddyssey, the rover on Mars, which found ice water deposits, but sadly no alien venison.

  • Death: The European Union, which launched the Euro this year, the all-encompassing world-beating currency, now worth more than the American, Canadian and Australian dollars (not combined). Know now! This is the coming of the Beast! Beware the Anti-Christ leading the Revived Roman Empire, the evil King of the North allying with the King of the South and destroying Israel, REPENT OR SOMETHING OR OTHER!

By the way, did you think I forgot? Expect my NEW "Horsemen of 2009" soon. Very soon, the FINAL HORSEMEN. OF 2009!!! (Published in 2010.)

Labels: ,