Eaglie's Aviary

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Horsemen Recap of the Last Five Years

At the end of this American era and the beginning of that new one, we must look for the guidance of our leaders, the men ushering in flames and wearing their finest silk dunce caps--Twenty Horsemen in total, plus a lame anti-Horseman. And thus, we present the Aviary’s first "Where Are They Now?" post and clip show rolled together for your viewing pleasure.

Why the Horsemen? Why do we care about them anymore, as the Apocalypse leaves us poor bastards behind to eat wasps and float in fecal matter? What bone-headedness did these Horsemen reap upon us in the past, since we will surely top it?

    My Horsemen of 2003
  • Somehow, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (War) is still governor. However, his controversial Proposition 8, an anti-gay marriage amendment to the California constitution, has led to a sharp increase in poignant musicals. Here's one.

  • Simon Cowell (Strife--later renamed Death) is still on that goddamned show with those goddamned singers and goddamned other judges, which is still goddamned successful, which is still turning out one goddamned new rehab patient a year.

  • Michael Jackson (Famine) is faring marginally better than O.J. Simpson.

  • The Rev. Al Sharpton (Pestilence) appeared recently with Caroline Kennedy, supporting her bid to take over Sec. of State-elect Hillary Clinton's senate seat, thereby continuing the tradition of New Yorkers not representing themselves in the Senate. Rev. Sharpton also appeared in a public service message with the Rev. Pat Robertson, a collaboration which did not lead to the titanic battle sending forth plagues and brimstone against each other like I had put money on.

  • My Horsemen of 2004 (This was the year I left each individual horseman's title unnamed. This was an unpopular move, but I was young. I apologize.)
  • Martha Stewart is long out of prison. According to Cute Overload, she has a new chow chow puppy, a cross between a Koosh ball and a young Marlon Brando.

  • Curt Schilling and the Red Sox, having won two division titles, two World Series, and spanked the Yankees a lot, are now pompous assholes, except Curt Schilling, who's more of a pompous dweeb.

  • Ralph Nader did not ruin the Democrats and split the vote in the most recent election, which was expected. This has not given him back any of his 1970s popularity, and he is still not very well liked, often described as "an ornery troll with a weird lip thing."

  • Ohio is still a state.

  • My Horsemen of 2005
  • Ozzie Guillen (War) has almost been fired from the Sox a few times for "inflammatory" comments of an "asshole" nature.

  • Avian Flu (Pestilence) is mutating and biding its time.

  • I thought FEMA Director Michael Brown (Famine) was shamed out of office and FEMA was disbanded, but apparently the organization still exists. As for Brown, I was wrong. He is still quite alive, and I quote his Personal Life section on Wikipedia (as of December 27, 2008): "Brown is married and has two children."

  • Mother Nature (Death) is angrily melting. She also shared a Nobel Peace Prize with former vice president Al Gore.

  • My Horsemen of 2006
  • Outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney (War) has calmed down with age and the fact that doctors flipped his heart back to low power. He still squeals from time to time though.

  • It's unclear what former congressman Mark Foley (R - Famine) is up to, but I am pretty sure it has to do with Facebook.

  • The infamous TIME Magazine (Pestilence) named Vladimir Putin its follow-up to YOU. Putin declined the award but kept the cover as a puppet minister. This year, they chose for that position President-elect Barack Obama, and I was shocked, shocked to find that out!

  • YOU! (Death) are reading.

  • My Horsemen of 2007
  • Barry Bonds (War) was fired from baseball. Owners conspired to never work any town again, and the Players' Union has filed suit. The New York Yankees still have not picked him up for a ridiculous sum of money, but they better hurry or else the Dallas Cowboys might take him first.

  • Sen. Larry Craig (Famine) is gone, and then is back, then gone, and back again. He really needed some Immodium.

  • After going through the most difficult of years with personal finance failing and her little sister becoming the joke of the entire media, Britney Spears (Pestilence) went into hiding, until recently when her boobs made a comeback CD.

  • Bob Barker's (Death) Caribbean military junta was unsuccessful. He is now hosting "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" in Spanish--just kidding. He retired after the junta.

  • The 2007 Special Award winner (what in the world was I thinking when I gave this out?) former vice president Al Gore is still fat and not president.

Throughout all this chaos, I have noticed one thing: why did Pres. George W. Bush never make my list? Seems inappropriate, after all these fine years.