Of the Apocalypse, the Rev. Jerry Falwell once said... well, he said a lot of stuff about secularists, feminists, the ACLU, and homosexuals. You don't even WANT to hear what he said about Dumbledore.

Though after I wrote that, I remembered Falwell died before that whole "Dumbledore is gay" thing. Fancy that?

And what does that all mean? Yup, it is that time...

Eaglie's Fifth Annual Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

Really! Five years! And this year had a bumper crop, so many that it was hard to choose! But I will make those tough decisions and not try to cram in every single major act of stupidity! I promise to not talk about all of it, and only pick and choose the worst of it! And I won't even mention Alberto Gonzalez and the firing of various U.S. attorneys due to political reasons that are unconfirmed.

Everyone always looks for a message that the year's given us. Personally, I eschew this in favor of pretty pictures, but this year I'll give it a try. A tagline for the year, like it's part of a never-ending line of sequels.

Eaglie's Fifth Annual Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: The Year Tony Soprano Got...

Nah, not very classy of me.

Eaglie's Fifth Annual Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: A View of The View and Rosie's Seedy Underbelly

Ew.

Eaglie's Fifth Annual Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: 2007 Wasn't Heaven!

NO! God, we really do need the writers to stop striking.

Eaglie's Fifth Annual Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Tase Them All and Let God Sort Them out!

Perfect.

In the local Apocalypse, the Chicago Transit Authority had a "Doomsday," and then pushed it back more times than can be counted (twice). The next Doomsday is in January. Chicago City Council Illinois General Assembly Congress UN Security Council God, help us!

I'm tempted to make this year entirely about sports. For Chicagoans, there were alimony trials, Lamborghini crashes, jail sentences, fights (sometimes even with opponents and not teammates), excuses, head explosions, and a few actual playoff appearances somewhere in between. But those were oddly heartwarming compared to the rest.

There was Michael Vick, jailed for dog-fighting, and an NBA official, jailed for "point-shaving." Cyclist Floyd Landis was stripped of the Tour de France title for using enhancing substances. So did a few more people and their cousins' dogs. And tennis star Martina Hingis did some cocaine (allegedly) and retired in shame.

English soccer star David Beckham came to play in the United States and couldn’t seem to garner any more support for soccer in America. This is probably because he is a soccer player. In college ball, NCAA football was full of losers. Every time some lucky team got Number One, they got beat. This got so bad that a team named the Ducks was number one in the country at some point. Boston won a World Series and seems poised to win itself a Super Bowl (with a perfect season) and an NBA title. Oh, and in hockey, the Mighty Ducks won the Stanley Cup.

Gosh darned Ducks!

What was the biggest though? Barry Bonds was the king of the crop this year. Baseball, rocked by the steroids scandal for a dozen consecutive years, finally felt it all culminate in Bonds's rampant destruction of Hank Aaron's home run record. He was then indicted and possibly faced a decade in jail. The Mitchell Report then came out later and cleared his name on all charges. And Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad signed a peace treaty with Israel. On Mars. And Vladimir Putin stepped down from power as part of the Iranian-Israeli agreement. And he flew away on a pig.

No, the Mitchell Report named a couple hundred more players involved in the steroids scandal. And Bonds is still set for trial. One wonders if baseball will ever recover from the excitement.

To my Horseman of War, Barry Bonds, I thank you for selflessly representing the whole of the sporting world this year.

In the tradition of what Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Numbers, Job, Daniel, and my freshman year religion teacher say, we have another location to turn into a series of pillars of salt. The 110th Congress of Sodom and Gomorrahthe United States, while led for the first time in its history by a woman, is full of men tempted by the flesh. And toilet paper. Just ask Larry Craig.

For two years in a row, the Republicans have dominated the position of Horseman of Gay--I mean Famine (though that’s what it's really become). This year, Larry Craig (R - Wide Stance) receives the slot. And the poor guy never got the cop's number. Instead, he got a new number, so call Cell Block C, 70823456 for a good time.

There was one plague that just had no cure this year: her name was Britney. And the whole Spears family, really. They never left the news. First there was... you know, I can't bear to recap it. 2007 turned into a total meltdown as Britney decided she hadn't flaunted herself, her kids, and her vagina enough in the past decade.

And it all culminated in her slipping her sister fertility pills. Honestly, Britney: Paris Hilton went to jail for 23 days, but at least she had the common decency to stop singing and getting pregnant. Congratulations on making that media whore look intelligent! Er, well, maybe not that far. Lindsey Lohan is somewhere in rehab, scolding you right now. Anna Nicole Smith is rolling over in her plastic coffin! You, my little former southern belle, are my 2007 Horseman of Pestilence. Believe me, if you go away, we'll leave Britney alone.

I have to name one feel good Horseman of the Apocalypse. Usually this falls to the Boston Red Sox, Michael Jackson, or, in the case of last year, YOU, but this year I have a different one: the former host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker the Deathless.

He became an icon to my generation and several generations before us. He became our icon by taking a few Adam Sandler golf drives to the head and crotch. Others mostly just remember that the $1 bid was key. Personally, I thought he and Fidel Castro would live forever, ruling their respective country/game show with respective iron fists. Alas...

Now Drew Carey's hosting his show (and maybe is in charge of Cuba, I'm not sure). So to the retiring 2007 Horseman of Death, I wish you well. Thanks for moving us just a bit closer to Armageddon.

So that's my Four Horsemen...

What's that? Lookie there, look at the graphic, a BONUS! This year I must give a special award, CERTAINLY not because I couldn't figure out how to pare my choices down to four, but because this man truly deserved one more darned award!

To a man who has worked feverishly to avert the Apocalypse, to one who has told us of the growing dangers of environmental catastrophe (human beings always need to be warned that catastrophes are bad), and to one who has won an Oscar, Emmy, and Nobel Peace Prize doing it, this is the Aviary's thanks: kudos to you, Al Gore! Kudos!

Thank you and good luck, Mr. Former Vice President, humanity's great new leader against the Apocalypse! (How he'll hold out against these strong Horsemen, against global warming, or against the angry, overheated Bengal tigers, I have no idea.)

So here's to another year, maybe not full of forest fires, falling bridges, and dropping iPhone prices. But life, like this job, never gets easier. Except for sometimes.

(Bonus points if you noticed I never once mentioned Iraq!)

Labels: Four Horsemen, Longer Stuff