Eaglie's Aviary

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Horsemen of 2008!

In a year that made us long for September 2001's economy, we felt the hope and need to change, perhaps a few diapers, but many of us had to clean those diapers and reuse them, because we couldn't afford any new ones. That is just the environment we are in. And it is just right for:


2008 was full to the hexagon with potential Horsemen (that's a reference to a short story by Jorge Luis Borges--yes, I read literature). There were all the signs... it seemed certain that it was gonna happen! Of course, then the Cubs lost, and I still didn't have a Horseman.

We DID see a black man elected the next president of the United States over an angry woman with blond hair, an angry old white man, and a sexy older librarian with only one book. But neither the black man nor his opponents do I deem worthy of being counted among this year's Horsemen. It's not like I'm working on government quotas, anyway.

Vladimir Putin, having recently left his post as the most powerful man in Russia, still invaded Georgia (the other one) (by himself) while everyone else was winning gold medals in China (and by everyone, I mean Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt). Yet all those medals still couldn't save our economy: former chairman of the Fed Alan Greenspan admitted that in the zeal of deregulation, he "made a mistake." Alan, have you ever heard the parable of the tax collector and the bank-and-auto bailout? It'll be popular in 2000 years.

And if you were worried about that black man's election from the state that sleeps with the fishes and bribes them, too, Illinois' place as the most insane state in the most insane union of the most insane universe was set straight when its governor managed to out-scandal three other Illinois governors of the past 50 years and a New York governor who hoarded all the state's prostitutes for himself.

Yet still not a Horseman in sight! We need a War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death?!?! I mean, this is starting to sound like we need all the souls in Hell to scapegoat. But we're lucky to have just one: the embodiment of the American frustration, the focus of the crazy-as-hell election we just had, and the place where all fingers and rifles will point this hunting season: that wounded man waddling out the door, President George W. Bush (I told you I didn't have any quotas to fill).

This is a tough decision: even I'm tired of bashing him. It's gimmicky, even, to just give him the whole choking enchilada. But it's like when Return of the King won Best Picture: maybe it wasn't the best or the Academy's favorite, but it was the last chance to give a trilogy the Oscar! You've got to vote for it!

Account for your choice, Eags, you might say! Well, in the past eight years, the man had a War on Terror (could've happened to anyone) and a war on Iraq (okay, he's a Bush). Americans are now distrusted across the globe, including by our allies that aren't the French (anything could've caused that). A hurricane flattened New Orleans (that wasn't his fault). And the economy fell apart (again, not Bush's fault). All on his watch. That's what it takes to be a herald of the Apocalypse--he who watched it botched it. I can find that passage in the Bible, I'm sure.

Our little junior herald even had a movie made about him this year, one of those letter-bearing Oliver Stoners about a president and a conspiracy founded at a keg party. And it takes quite some chutzpah to get a movie made during the time you are still (relatively) relevant.

And I know, I know, the choice is gimmicky. We established that already, and that is why I will place this at the end in bold:

The Double-U Amendment: I, Eaglie, hereby declare that no more on this blog will one man or organization clean up all Four Horsemen awards. The awards would all just sit around getting dusty anyway. I also officially remove the search engine-bombing link "Miserable Failure" from this website here, and will lay off the guy. All of this will go into effect as of January 20, 2008.

There are children in the Middle East who would kill for a taste of one of these awards, all starving from current oil prices, so you better appreciate all four, Mr. Bush. Happy New Year!

Only a few more days! Or, if you're reading this in the future, only a few more standard rotational movements were left!