Again, I shall dip into my mailbox. And again, spam is the best part of living in the age we... live in.

Date: May 22
From: Wesley Clark
To: me
Subject: Need S0ftware?

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Did that say Wesley Clark? Is this what he's been doing since he lost Iowa?

-----

Date: May 22
From: alxuh
To: me
Subject: You don’t know what is more important: penis length or girth.

http://www.ofred.net/pt/?108&QMdVXEywJMD74
Gain amazing pen1s and amazing size with Penis Enlarge Patch.

Patches? Sounds easy enough.

-----

Date: May 1
From: (unknown sender)
To: me
Subject: (no subject)



Let's move on.

-----

Date: May 23
From: dgoldmouth
To: me
Subject: After using Hoodia 920+ all your clothes will be too big for you.

H00dia 920+ tricks y0ur brain into thinking you are full. Thu$ making the inches melt on your body.
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After using Hoodia 920+ all your clothes will be too big for you.













Harrys puzzled expression in the mirror behind her.

...best ending to a piece of spam EVER.

So I only had a few snide remarks. The emails speak for themselves. Volumes.

I just watched the National Geography Bee, and I couldn't help but notice that out of the ten contestants, seven were Indian/Pakistani/that-region-of-the-world descent, and ALL of them had the same haircut.

By the way, the little Indian from some place in western Illinois won. So, hey, an Illinoisian won!

From the Events section at DaveBarry.com

Upcoming Book Tour for
Peter and the Shadow Thieves

July 14 - Books & Books in Coral Gables (Miami) FL
July 15 - Vero Beach Book Center, Vero Beach FL
July 16 - Charlotte NC
July 17 - New York City
July 18 - Book Revue, Huntington NY
July 19 - Cape Cod MA
July 20 - Arlington Station, VA
July 21 - Chicago
July 27 - St. Louis Public Library

Of all the places to spoil X-Men 3... it had to be Newsweek.

Hurricane season is upon us.

The next few weeks will be spotty for all updating, methinks. There won't be Internet yet at my new apartment.

By the same guy as the C for Cookie trailer: The Passion of the Christ directed by many different people.

You know, this is not far from the truth, now that they're making him the Health Food Monster.

You may not want to start this.

Not Robot Chicken, but still kinda cool.

Da Bears! Da Vinci!

So I just finished reading the Da Vinci Code, and boy, are my arms tired!

What, punchline not doing it for ya? Well, forget about that, I suppose, and maybe you’ll have read it, too.

I talked to a lot of people about the Da Vinci Code, long before I finally picked the damn thing up and read it. I knew a lot before I started, and even if you haven’t read it, I would wager you’ve heard enough already, too. As you know, movie studios just came out with a movie based on this popular book, starring Tom Hanks (according to MLA format, Tom Hanks now requires italics). I wasn’t about to see a movie with Tom Hanks without reading the book (Forrest Gump, Road to Perdition, and The Polar Express excluded).

Dan Brown, the author, certainly picked quite a few fights with his story, mostly with the Catholic Church. The story puts the Vatican in a bad light. You know, if the Vatican needed help doing this, I’m sure they would have called. The most controversial moments of the story (which I read mere hours ago) deny the divinity of Christ. Apparently, Jesus was just the Messiah, entitling Him to have sex, children, and a prostitute (or sacred feminine, as Tom Hanks’s character puts it). Admittedly, some of the evidence cited is spotty, but why should anyone care? At least Oprah knows this book is fiction.

The story is a mystery leading to the search for the real Holy Grail, which is not a cup and is actually the descending family tree from Jesus and the before-mentioned prostitute, also known as Mary Magdalene. The family tree has been protected by the Priory of Sion, a secret society whose leading members have recently been murdered, sending Tom Hanks and a love interest with very loose ties to the mystery on their modern Grail quest, running into French police and Sir Ian McKellen. I’ll try not to spoil anything else that hasn’t been spoiled by the media.

Apparently, albinos are also a little angry with Dan Brown. They are angry that yet another movie has depicted an albino as evil. Too often for albinos, their simple trait has become associated with insanity and homicide. Too bad they just won’t keep silent about it like those poor souls with hooks for hands (hookies), and just look for the good things such people have contributed to society.

Also, did you know there was a National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation?

But, without a doubt, the biggest ruckus has come from Christian organizations coming out in force, calling for the banning of the movie in some countries, and the T-shirt organizations, calling Da Vinci "da man." Christians are angry at what I mentioned earlier, that Dan Brown’s novel denies that Jesus was the Son of God. But all I have to say is, at least he didn’t try to say Jesus was an albino!

Ha ha! I meant no harm! Please, lay off the lawsuits, National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation!

Christian groups have asked all Christians to boycott the movie. It is an insult to Christ, and the most disgusted group with the movie (barring albinos) is Opus Dei. Opus Dei (an anagram of "O! Die pus!"... and, on a literary note, "Oedipus") is a sect of Catholic tied closely to the Vatican as well as the organization the killer albino is a part of, and so, needless to say, it is upset. They are especially distraught by the way Brown presents their concept of corporeal mortification (self-mutilation as sacrifice and penance to God), as if that could be presented in any good way.

I am never a fan of boycotts and protests, though I have to admit, Dan Brown does make some bold claims. And, hey, what’s that? There’s also a lawsuit claiming Dan Brown stole a lot of the concepts of his book from another author? The book was actually mentioned in the Da Vinci Code. I do think this is probably the biggest, most hyped up book/movie release since J.K. Rowling got sued by the estates of Roald Dahl, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Dr. Seuss.

Oh… that didn’t happen. Oh well. It’d make a good movie starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan as J.K. Rowling, anyway.

Labels: Longer Stuff

The sad thing about Barry Bonds is that he truly believes he will be accomplishing something by beating Hank Aaron's record.

Hank Aaron was an infinitely better and, more importantly, more honorable player than Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds may get the top spot on the record list, but he'll be stuck with an asterisk at the end of his name, pointing to a legal note at the bottom of every record page, if fairness has anything to do with Major League Baseball.

Long live the Hammer!

Think Vader would really cry at all this? Certainly Hayden Christiansen would.

I love Robot Chicken.

I'll let the video speak about the PS3.

The Cubs and Sox fought, dudes. This rivalry just got interesting (Just?).

In honor of Cubs-Sox weekend, I think we can all ignore the Da Vinci Code in favor of shouting "CUBS/SOX SUCK!", "SUX!", and "CORK!"

The title takes a moment to sink in.

I've got my "Lynch Dan Brown!" picket sign painted. Do you?

Talk about crazy stuff... Wii hide, You seek.

Life is pain and suffering. That's why we cry when our loved ones pass away and laugh when the ones we don't like die.

Been a while? Why wait?

"You're like George Ryan!"
"NO! You're like George Ryan!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"

Actually, the Sun-Times wrote a headline almost exactly like my link's text to point to the article (on page 4).

Gay News from Gay365.COM

By the way, I don't really care that much about the subject. I just find the "Gay News from Gay365.COM at the top somewhat funny.

And more Conan.

I'm still looking for videos of the shows in Chicago, by the way.

I love Conan.

Join your side in the Civil War. Andy and I refuse to register our superpowers, so we stand with Capt. America.

Rap has finally reached its limit.

Through my tired and somewhat depressed eyes (you try looking at the rest of this website and not get depressed), I found this on a site about the horrors of the Great War:

German Soldiers Invade Poland... on Bicycles...



Gave me a little bit of a laugh.

New Spore vid from E3. It's the trailer.

Also, another thing out of E3 that made me squeal: Halo 3.

Labels: Gaming

It's Draenei...

I so knew it. However, they did pull an unexpected trick... Draenei = a good version of Eredar demons? A mortal version?

Sigh... whatever.

WOW: The Burning Crusade

What the hell IS that new alliance race? Looks like Eredar... but Eredar are EXTREMELY evil. Are those just really weird Draenei? They're alien, whatever they are.

A Surprise MySpace Appearance by...

Andy told me he was always a fan of the Blue Ranger. He was a nerd, his color was blue, and the actor's name was Yost (sound like someone else's last name?).

E3 is on, by the way.

Everyone knows the Truth is not gonna be told by the UK.

From the depths of work, I bring you something fun and educational.

WOW. Nergasm.

Quote from 5/3/06's entry:

...word that Lucasfilm and 20th Century Fox are finally going to be releasing the original theatrical versions of the Star Wars films on DVD... good old regular DVD... sometime in the second half of this year. You read that right - the original THEATRICAL versions. THIS year....

See any of these new Dunkin' Donuts commercials?

Sorry that Eaglie's posts have been replaced as of late by Andy's, but I have a political stance to take.

The Village of Forest Park has been tearing up concrete and repaving my street at home. They just put made a new apron for our driveway (the only people with a driveway on our block... for the past 60 years!). This is new concrete, costing ~$7000 to make in the first place.

Our lovely council has deemed that we do not need the driveway, so they will be turning it into lawn and tearing out the new apron. Solely because someone on the staff decided it was a good idea. That commissioner didn't even put his name on the act.

Now, it is up to my dad with some help from my mom and me to tell them how stupid that is. ESPECIALLY since they just replaced it weeks ago, and tearing it out and turning it into a normal curb/sidewalk/lawn will cost a good bit extra. And they have absolutely no reason to tear it up in the first place: the residents don't need it? Assuming that, wouldn't it be less costly anyway to leave it?

Whatever. Time to fight the power, guys. The ultimate power. The Village of Forest Park.

Watch it for the Giants.

It's all a little painful to read. Some of it sickens, some of it makes you laugh. However, here's the highlight:

Middle School Level
2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"

Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

You have to see Colbert's speech at the White House Press Correspondents Dinner... he blasted the hell out of the room and got very few laughs (though, noticeably laughing, Laurence Fishbourne was in the audience). President Bush was definitely not amused.

Here's an article!

The video itself is priceless, though. It's not so much the humor that Colbert does... some of it really wasn't near what he's capable of. However, he did it all in front of... a somewhat less enthused audience, shall I say?

Is Eaglie planning to post song lyrics? Don't worry, not too many... and they're only part of a bigger song:

God has smiled upon you this day
The fate of a nation in your hands
And blessed be the children
Who fight with all our bravery
Til only the righteous stand.

You see the distant flames, they bellow in the night
You fight in all our names for what we know is right
And when you all get shot and cannot carry on
Though you die, la resistance lives on.

You may get stabbed in the head with a dagger or a sword
You may be burned to death, or skinned alive, or worse
But when they torture you, you will not feel the need to run
For though you die, la resistance lives on.

They may cut your dick in half
And serve it to a pig
And though it hurts you'll laugh
And dance a dickless jig
But that's the way it goes
And though you're shat upon
Though you die, la resistance lives on!

Guess where these are from!

I'm debating what to do with them, 'cause since rewatching the MOVIE they're from, I've had them stuck in my head.