Da Bears! Da Vinci!

So I just finished reading the Da Vinci Code, and boy, are my arms tired!

What, punchline not doing it for ya? Well, forget about that, I suppose, and maybe you’ll have read it, too.

I talked to a lot of people about the Da Vinci Code, long before I finally picked the damn thing up and read it. I knew a lot before I started, and even if you haven’t read it, I would wager you’ve heard enough already, too. As you know, movie studios just came out with a movie based on this popular book, starring Tom Hanks (according to MLA format, Tom Hanks now requires italics). I wasn’t about to see a movie with Tom Hanks without reading the book (Forrest Gump, Road to Perdition, and The Polar Express excluded).

Dan Brown, the author, certainly picked quite a few fights with his story, mostly with the Catholic Church. The story puts the Vatican in a bad light. You know, if the Vatican needed help doing this, I’m sure they would have called. The most controversial moments of the story (which I read mere hours ago) deny the divinity of Christ. Apparently, Jesus was just the Messiah, entitling Him to have sex, children, and a prostitute (or sacred feminine, as Tom Hanks’s character puts it). Admittedly, some of the evidence cited is spotty, but why should anyone care? At least Oprah knows this book is fiction.

The story is a mystery leading to the search for the real Holy Grail, which is not a cup and is actually the descending family tree from Jesus and the before-mentioned prostitute, also known as Mary Magdalene. The family tree has been protected by the Priory of Sion, a secret society whose leading members have recently been murdered, sending Tom Hanks and a love interest with very loose ties to the mystery on their modern Grail quest, running into French police and Sir Ian McKellen. I’ll try not to spoil anything else that hasn’t been spoiled by the media.

Apparently, albinos are also a little angry with Dan Brown. They are angry that yet another movie has depicted an albino as evil. Too often for albinos, their simple trait has become associated with insanity and homicide. Too bad they just won’t keep silent about it like those poor souls with hooks for hands (hookies), and just look for the good things such people have contributed to society.

Also, did you know there was a National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation?

But, without a doubt, the biggest ruckus has come from Christian organizations coming out in force, calling for the banning of the movie in some countries, and the T-shirt organizations, calling Da Vinci "da man." Christians are angry at what I mentioned earlier, that Dan Brown’s novel denies that Jesus was the Son of God. But all I have to say is, at least he didn’t try to say Jesus was an albino!

Ha ha! I meant no harm! Please, lay off the lawsuits, National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation!

Christian groups have asked all Christians to boycott the movie. It is an insult to Christ, and the most disgusted group with the movie (barring albinos) is Opus Dei. Opus Dei (an anagram of "O! Die pus!"... and, on a literary note, "Oedipus") is a sect of Catholic tied closely to the Vatican as well as the organization the killer albino is a part of, and so, needless to say, it is upset. They are especially distraught by the way Brown presents their concept of corporeal mortification (self-mutilation as sacrifice and penance to God), as if that could be presented in any good way.

I am never a fan of boycotts and protests, though I have to admit, Dan Brown does make some bold claims. And, hey, what’s that? There’s also a lawsuit claiming Dan Brown stole a lot of the concepts of his book from another author? The book was actually mentioned in the Da Vinci Code. I do think this is probably the biggest, most hyped up book/movie release since J.K. Rowling got sued by the estates of Roald Dahl, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Dr. Seuss.

Oh… that didn’t happen. Oh well. It’d make a good movie starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan as J.K. Rowling, anyway.

Labels: Longer Stuff