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Tuesday, April 19, 2005
New Pope Panics Vinyards Everywhere Reporter Explor the Newb  VATICAN CITY - In his first move as holy father of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI stunned progressives and conservatives alike by removing wine as the favorite blood of Christ, replacing it instead with beer. "Good German beer, not the fake stuff" (a rough translation), said the pope in his pronouncement. Beer will be replacing wine immediately as the blood of Christ, for it is more suitable to the poor and lower classes for which Christ stood for. Plus, Oktoberfest will rock at St. Peter's Basillica next year!" The announcement occured while the new pope spoke ex cathedra. For 2000 years, wine has served as the drink which Catholics believe Jesus Christ turned into his own blood, and gave to his apostles (and thus, to his followers, the Church). The Church, up until now, has not mentioned any unhappiness with this arrangement. Even during his acceptance of duties as pope, Benedict XVI mentioned he was in a "vinyard" as part of a metaphor. However, the new pope has made this move within a day of his election to the head of the Church, making it possible this move was planned long before today. After the pronouncement, French and Italian cardinals present staged a walkout. Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Ratsinger, was recently elected as pontiff of the Roman church. Many considered him to be very reactionary and conservative, looking to stifle reforms in the church. However, if this is any evidence, there is hope now for feminist and pro-choice Catholics. It is also worth mentioning that the pope is the first German pope in 1000 years, making the pronouncement only a little less weird. The Vatican declined comment on the rumors that bratwurst would replace wafers as the host, though speculation is the jokes coming from making a sausage the "body of Christ" would be too much. Labels: News Fit to Print |
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