And the non-spoiler review of Revenge of the Sith I wrote earlier:

The Revenge of Lucas: The Alternate Non-Spoiled Version

Ummm... what is there to say? I loved it. There were a few lines exchanged (Anakin and Padme, my GOD) that made me cringe. Actually, I counted the number of times I cringed, and it was at three. Can't say that for Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones. My theater's film also glitched for a crucial moment... luckily for less that a second. And there was one glaring thing Yoda said that I will murder George Lucas for (well... verbally...).

But, there were parts that I FELT for the characters. Star Wars is a melodrama, but in the prequels, you hardly ever feel for them. Revenge of the Sith is the only prequel I will likely be able to watch over and over. I may have to place it better than A New Hope, mostly for the amazing (and emotional, in one case) lightsaber duels and the Hunt for the Jedi. The Hunt for the Jedi had me in complete dismay...

The movies ranked (keep in mind, that A New Hope is still amazing, and has better acting than Revenge of the Sith, and has the most famous scene in movie history, the Battle of Yavin, and started EVERYONE'S love of Star Wars... plus, Revenge of the Sith is only so powerful as A New Hope makes it... the two are bound just as much as Revenge of the Sith is bound to Return of the Jedi):

Empire Strikes Back
Return of the Jedi
Revenge of the Sith
A New Hope
Anything worth anything
Attack of the Clones
The Phantom Menace

Ah well, this is the non-spoiler review, and that's it for now. I'ma writing an Eag-tacular Review with spoilers (mostly they will be blotted out with Super-Secret Spoiler Be-Gone Text Color!).

However, I will say this: If you don't know EXACTLY what happens from a combination of the trailer/commercials and the fact that there are three movies following this, you have lived a sheltered, unlivable life, and you should exile yourself to Dagobah or something.

The Revenge of Lucas: When a Guy in a Black Suit Shouts “NOOOOO!!!” in a Space Station, Does the Audience Make a Sound?
By Eaglie Puppydogg

NOTE: YOU'LL BE SPOILED INTO THE GROUND THROUGH THIS ARTICLE!

This is truly the Star Wars that grates you. Not in a bad way. No, it grates you because you truly hate the Emperor (even though he’s probably the coolest guy onscreen) and Anakin becomes our tragic hero that we hate just as much at certain points. And not just hate. LOATH.

Especially when he cries about Padme. In the Vader costume.

Thankfully, I cringed much less than I did during the first two prequels. Probably three or four times. Hayden actually was impressive during his dark moments, and at least SOME of the romance isn’t too terrible. Just when Padme talks. The duel with Obi-Wan is both amazing and stronger than you can imagine. Obi-Wan tries every way beforehand to not fight, but when he confronts Anakin, he knows what his duty is. And that is to fight for the Republic.

I will say… it may be my absolute favorite scene in all of Star Wars: Order 66. The Hunt for the Jedi. I sat there, dismayed at the betrayals of all the Jedi. You watch four or five different Jedi get shot in the back. And Anakin kills all the children in the Temple. Believe me, I… don’t know the word… this sequence, with only the Luke/Vader Return of the Jedi duel taking a close enough place for other considerations.

The most exciting duels ever occurred in this film. Yoda and the Emperor face off in a great battle through the capitol building. Yoda competes with the Emperor blow for blow. And again, Obi-Wan versus Anakin… there are no words to describe the sheer awesome of this fight.

The happy moments? Yoda and R2-D2. R2 finally shows off as a badass. He lights BATTLE DROIDS ON FIRE while trying to help Obi and Ani at the beginning. And Yoda? When his soldiers receive Order 66, he slices them to pieces when they come up behind him. And then, Yoda proceeds to hope on Chewbacca’s back and ride like a four-year old. And don’t forget Yoda’s battle with the Emperor: the Royal Guards, tricked out in their red robes… we never get to see them fight. Mostly because Yoda flips them into the wall before they notice the little green man.

And the defining moment/quote for Yoda? “If so powerful you are, why leave?” to the Emperor during their duel in the Emperor’s chambers.

Yes, problems there were. Natalie Portman is still TERRIBLE. I have begun to think that emotion that means something, you know, not Garden State emotion, does not suit her. She should never get within 50 yards of a sci-fi again. Hayden is not great either during the emotional scenes with Natalie. But Hayden improved. Natalie… did not.

Another thing… they cut a Qui-Gon scene. Except they did not cut the mention of contacting Qui-Gon. This annoyed me THOROUGHLY. I don’t like to be teased about seeing a really cool character again, and then not see him. I need to see that deleted scene.

However, the end is almost perfect. The sad funeral procession of Amidala… the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! of Vader (well, I said it was not that perfect)… and the only ever appearance of Alderaan. And then… EXACTLY as I predicted it: the end shot? Tatooine’s two suns, with Luke swaddled in Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru’s arms.

And John Williams, I will hug you someday, I swear it. The song “Battle of the Heroes” is GORGEOUS. And it is tear-jerking.

So there. I loved it. The other prequels never felt right. This one did. Also, I liked it enough to place it with the Original Trilogy. Perhaps even on par with Return of the Jedi. Three cheers to no Boba Fett slapstick deaths!

The Non-Economic EU
By Eaglie Puppydogg

All Star Wars fans know that there is another universe outside of the Lucas-built Universe. And if you thought of the Real Universe when I said that, you’re pretty naïve. Why would they think of that? No, Star Wars fans know the Expanded Universe, the parts of the Star Wars Universe not created by George Lucas. And yes, anyone who enjoys the movies and nothing else knows the problems of talking to a true Star Wars fan. They’re always answering questions about Star Wars, “Well, kinda…”, “Except…”, and the best one, “That’s only what you see in the movies though…”

This is exactly because the people (the ones that know the code for full mana in Dark Forces II is “yodajammies”) know the Expanded Universe. They know it so well that it gets in the way of Lucas’s universe. They can recite passage of Last Command and Heir to the Empire, and they cringed when Anakin lost his hand in Attack of the Clones.

Why do they cringe? In Dark Force Rising (Star Wars novel), Palpatine cuts off Vader’s hand to punish Vader for failing to stop the rebels from destroying a Imperial facilities (thanks to Adam Bertocci of runleiarun.com). That was the EU fanatics’ explanation. But Lucas had to come along with his own explanation for something in HIS OWN CREATION, that fat bastardized lumberjack.

Believe me, if that was the worst of the problems of AotC, you need to watch it again with your eyes strapped open and kept moist with a turkey baster. I mean, c’mon, even when you hate AotC, you have to give in to the fact that (1) it is Lucas’s creation and (2) most of the EU novels and stories suck anyway. Therefore, nothing that Lucas does that is not in line with the EU is a continuity error. When he contradicts himself, that is another matter (do not make me go into this).

C’mon, in Dark Empire, Palpatine returns, and we find out he’s cloned himself about thirty million times (thankfully, none of them turned out to be Boba Fett). This would completely destroy the integrity and message of the series (if this were by Lucas, at least). The Emperor died and redeemed Anakin/Vader in the process. Don’t make Anakin/Vader’s death worthless. Luckily, this is EU, and thus means nothing to anyone outside of the people who read all the goddamned books in the first place.

The EU is merely suggestion. Nothing outside of Lucas’s own creation is canon. This is not some Bible that you can pick and choose what to believe and what not to! There’s only two Gospels… The Old Testament and The Prequel Testament.

(And I did enjoy Last Command and the Rogue Squadron series, for those who question me)

Here’s a nice quote, from the premiere at Cannes.

Hayden Christensen: “The actual physical transformation to Darth Vader was made very easily. Really it was a matter of bringing the characteristics that we saw in Jake Lloyd that we saw in Episode I and mature those so as to create the character – vocal tonality, how he behaved...”

DEAR GOD, THAT EXPLAINS ALL OF IT!

Seriously, dude, forget trying to copy that little kid. I hope you forgot to do that in Episode III, ’cause that would save you a few nails in your coffin.

And did anyone else hear how Samuel L. Jackson specifically told Lucas to give him a “badass” death? There’s only two good guys in the Star Wars universe that deserve badass deaths… and Mace Windu incarnate is one of them.

Who DESPERATELY wants to see Yoda face Palpatine. The two most powerful Force users seen in the trilogies, fighting in the Galactic Senate chambers? ::drool::

Tomorrow, Andy should have a piece on the parallels of the Star Wars universe. And perhaps I'll even have my nice little treatise on... something.

All we have left is to wait. Patience, my young apprentice(s). Soon, we shall have our Revenge.

Well, it's official. This week is Star Wars week on the Aviary. Everyone's talking. I'll talk to you about it. And expect fun things every day! But today, I'm lazy (and overworked). Enjoy a few fan films, commercials, and cool sites:

HanShootsFirst.org
The Hands Chopped Off of Star Wars
A Star Wars Mastercard commercial
The Essence of the Force (a fan film)
Arguably the best fan film out there

We are gathering revolutionaries! I completely forgot our Pacman made his return to the blogosphere.

The Cornered Pacman!

I swore never to post another quiz on the Aviary. I break that oath to post some important information.

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Dave Barry

Funny, witty, and clever! You always have a ton of offbeat links to share

Thank you. In other news, the blog will be on hiatus (more of a hiatus than now), as my other half, Andy, is working himself to death trying to pass college. So long, and thanks for all the fish (until next Friday, at least)!

http://www.twoheads.com.au/BabyChickens/games/chicpong.html

Sam: "Are you playing pong with a chicken?"
Andy: "Yes."
Sam: "Okay, just checking."