God Grumbles Skeptically as US Appears to Keep Promise

CHICAGO - In the very early morning today in the Midwest, a low rumbling was felt. During the shaking, many awoke with the same statement: "What the fuck? A earthquake in the fucking Midwest?"

However, many soon realized it was only God, as they heard news of the United States' handing of power to the Iraqi interim government. The US decided to surprise the Iraqi people by giving them their freedom two days earlier than scheduled. God was heard only to sigh and just grumble slightly, jarring a normally flat, stable region of the world.



"I mean, honestly. Some of my seraphim and cherubim were saying, 'Hey, that's a good thing, though!' All I could do was laugh. The US doesn't seriously think that anyone will believe that interim government is legit and free right now, right? Unfortunately, the laugh killed seven hikers in the Himalayas."

President Bush declined to comment on God's remarks.

Labels: Politics

Now, public for the first time...

THE WOLFPACK OASIS!

Come in, have a virtual Coke, and introduce yourself. And please be someone I know (or be from Ignatius). This is set up specifically for those people from my school.

Trickle-Down Economics

So, I met Joe, Brian, and the Squirrel Fuhrer downtown. We had a mighty busy day. We walked around Navy Pier. Then we walked up to River East 21. Then we walked to 600 N. Michigan. Then we walked to Water Tower, only to remember there wasn't a theater there anymore. Then we got tired of trying to find a good movie we hadn't seen. So we walked Michigan Ave. to the Blues Fest.

But that is not why this is a lesson in this. After the Blues Fest, we walked to the Music Mart, only to be accosted (as is customary in Chicago) by a bum selling more than just Streetwise. This man began his advertisement stating, "I'm selling streetwise, and porn." Sure enough, in his bag of Streetwise, there were very buxom ladies... looking like they had multiple implants in each breast.

So, naturally, Noah, Brian, and I found this hilarious. Joe looked understandably uncomfortable, as the bum had chosen to set up shop on his part of the bench. The man kept telling us how high quality shit this stuff was. What got me was when he told us he tested the merchandise (indicated by the phrase "choking my chain" with the appropriate hand flourish).

He then proceeded to page through and show us the picture that really got him fucked up. I will spare you the details of the picture. The bum said he was in the bathroom "an HOUR, man!" In desperation, the man eventually said he'd sell us a small book for $3.

I believe the whole thing lasted for 10 minutes. At which point Brian, Joe, and I put up a dollar each just for the man's EFFORT. A dollar for this story? Shit, that's not much. And now Brian has in his... ahem... hands, a very high-quality catalog of fucking.

I noted that I wouldn't be shaking hands with that vendor.

All other projects are on hold for my final post while at St. Ignatius College Prep:

A Farewell to Ignatius

It was a good school. An academic school. I came in looking for learning, not loving. I had friends already. Why did I ever need anyone else? So I came in saying to people, "Sorry, but as soon as I graduate, I won't give a damn about you."

But then funny stuff happened. I met Zam. And I had someone to talk to. And then my friends in Forest Park all mostly disappeared. I realized that Forest Park sucks, actually, now that I had Chicago, and Forest Park sucks even more because there is no big high school for friends to stay together at. So I lost all my local friends. ALL of them.

But I met a few more people. Zam hung out with some bowling buddies, and I found band buddies in Lora, Peggy, Jake, and Brian early on. And I had a few crushes, neither of which would materialize. Those two were WAY outta my league, and I think only one other person knows who they were.

Sophomore year then created the biggest vortex in terms of turning around my life. I talked to one Chris Burdulis early that year, mentioning I'd appear at Improv to watch. He said no one gets to "watch" Improv. And I learned that was true. I became a regular on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I was made into who I am.

Also sophomore year... I was changed even more. I became a regular at one lunchtable full of Improv'rs, bowlers, chessplayers, and miscellaneous boys. I also regularized myself in the bandroom at lunch. I hung out with mostly girls, and so oddly enough, I was put into a group that I would spend a lot of time with as well. I got asked to my first Ignatius dance, Turnabout, by Jordan. And I also went to Lora's fundraiser dance and to the Fall Harvest dance.

Junior year put me into these groups even more definitely. I became someone willing to control and lead in Improv. I had found my Improv and band friends ever closer. I had my first time asking a girl (Peggy) to a dance, and Lora asked me to Turnabout. I went to every dance that year, though I kinda got turned down asking someone to the Junior Ring dance. I saw seniors that I was close to leave for the first time, including my sister and Kristina W. But, still, I fought on and now acheived the crown of senior.

Senior year? Full of everything. Burdulis, Alex, and I took over stewardship of Improv. I took a thousand tough classes. I found even more friends, many of whom went to Cedar Point with me, or invited me to graduation parties. I went to prom with the first person I asked and who I intended to ask quite a long time beforehand (good acheivement, right?). I spoke at the Baccalaureate Mass, and from the reactions and compliments, apparently I did better than I thought I would.

I am a senior at St. Ignatius College Prep for 2-3 more hours. It's tough seeing the end edging so close. And so, I ask of you all, my Ignatian readers... as I asked of people in Forest Park once, though falling on deaf ears... and as I asked of you at the Baccalaureate Mass: make the world of Ignatius as lifelong as humanly possible. It would be such an injustice to me and to everyone else who fought the past four years to love all of you if we lost you.

I am back. And I have many other things to do.

So the Aviary has taken a backseat to a few other projects of mine. I promise it'll get more attention fairly soon. Actually, very soon.