Eaglie's Aviary

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day! And Other Stuff, Too!

It's Earth Day, yes, but it's also Pennsylvania Primary Day, both of which mean nothing... until today.

Well, Earth Day still means nothing, but Pennsylvania this Tuesday is more than just the whipping boy of several national sports: it is also being pimped for votes.

Sen. Obama and Sen. Clinton are currently out in droves (they themselves make up "droves," according to Webster, by the way) and gathering support in their last hours of this primary. The polls are almost closed on the East Coast, and whoever wins here... probably doesn't win the nomination, but they're a few votes closer than they were!

Being the politically savvy guy I am, I was watching CNN today, and they talked about how candidates, in such close races, start to appear on the energetic, youth-oriented talk shows. After Obama's visit to The Daily Show, they played a clip of Hillary Clinton on Larry King Live.

Very youthful, indeed.

The other thing I noticed: CNN reran a clip of the infamous bowling atrocity. There was also a clip of Clinton sipping Crown Royal out of a shot glass (after toasting), but that is another matter entirely.

I sat there, scratching my head, realizing what had transpired: Obama threw left-handed.

Why are we not talking about this? Forget the atrocious bowling. Forget Reverend Wright. Forget guns, religion, and his lack of any experience whatsoever. Why did I not know he was left-handed?

Back in the day, lefties were dragged out in the streets, put on spits, and slow-roasted. Either that, or stones were placed on top of them until they couldn't recite the Lord's Prayer no more.

It makes sense that Obama uses his left hand a lot, but when did we stop doing fun things like crushing torture to marginalized members of our society that make up, for all purposes, 50 percent of the population? And it is not my half, because I'm not a freak. So there's the other fear: what if he mandates on classroom desks? Or a pronouncement on those so-called "northpaw" pitchers?

Don't quote me stats that the greatest, most democratic presidents, such as Harry Truman, Bill Clinton, and the Immaculate Ronald Reagan, were left-handed. I'm not THAT politically petty.

But how can I be sure that he'll protect the righties of this nation? I cannot abide by this... though... looking at his bowling score again, he could have gotten the same righty. Crisis averted.

(As a final note, Lefties for Obama is a political group that I believe forfeits the right to free speech. Pun intended.)

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She may have the Crown Royal, but I'm still waiting for Barack to do a Tanqueray commercial.
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