Eaglie's Aviary

Thursday, July 19, 2007

American Quidditch

J.K. Rowling has avoided the American question all her years. And if I know Americans, they would hate Quidditch (well, probably not, but roll with me here).

This was one thing that I wanted to deal with years ago when I tried to write my Americanized spoof of the books (which you will hear more about later). What would Quidditch be called in America (Quaffleball, Snitcher, or Complete Rubbish, I don't know which)? And how violent would American Quidditch be?

The game would be split into periods. For the sake of guessing, let's say... thirteen periods. Thirteenths. And the field will be 100 furlongs... Hey, in America, bigger is better. Much bigger is much better.

Would there be a Quaffle? I don't know. Americans probably wouldn’t even have names like those. We’d probably just call them Brown and Red Balls. There would be one ball for scoring, possibly an end zone to bring that to (we like those in America).

I suspect the game would involve a lot more Bludgers. Probably ten of them. And we'd call them Guards and Linebackers.

And brooms would be allowed, but not required. Receivers might have those. And wands and dark magic would be allowed. The more violence, the better Wizards' SportsNet would be. Bans on (at least) two of the Unforgivable Curses? Totally lifted, though the Killing Curse might still be a 15-furlong penalty.

Artifacts, potions, and mystical steroids would be tested for. No cheating with outside substances. Magical swords and poleaxes must be approved first, and pine tar on wands can only be up to five inches.

The Quidditch Super World Bowl would take place when one team from the National League and one team from the American League (some things don't change, Muggle or wizard) won their playoffs, and they play against the other for the title of World Champion. Of America.

So maybe this sounds like a post-Apocalyptic movie sport, like Crushball or Bloodsport, but hey, Americans are Americans, no matter what genre you put them in.