Special Edition Thanks to George Lucas, for 30 Years of People Waving Their Hands at Automatic Sliding Supermarket Doors

With the intense political environment today in the US, plus the 30th anniversary of Star Wars' original release (which is now, technically, yesterday!), I got to thinking: we all know Yoda bears a striking resemblance to Ross Perot, so the Light Side is independent. But what about Palpatine, the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic, the Emperor, the Great Dictator?

BUSH! BUSH! DARTH BUSH!

LIBERAL! LIBERAL! HILLARY CLINTON HAS A PENIS!

Enough of that. It's not clear-cut, believe me. Palpatine is tough to compare to any specific politician. It's even unfair to the Emperor. But we're going to try.

My first thoughts: Palpatine wanted to keep the galaxy from splitting in two, even if it meant war. He reminds me, in a sick, sadistic way, of that first great Republican, Abraham Lincoln. On the other hand, Palpatine also supported slavery, which would make him a Dixiecrat.

But, then again, they aren't the same parties anymore. So, forget the Civil War comparisons. How about those New York Times Democrats and those Fox News Republicans? Even George Lucas has mentioned Star Wars being very pertinent to the political environment of today, with its timeless themes and allegories. Well, I'm probably making that up. Still, it's probably better than anything George Lucas can say or write today.

Palpatine definitely would have supported abortion in the case of Padme Amidala v. Galactic Empire. Very Democratic. In fact, the abortion would have been mandatory.

We also know that Palpatine lived a double life: one as a senator/chancellor and one as a Dark Lord, out on his Sith ranch in Crawford, Coruscant.

Trade disputes leading to invasions and leading to military intervention by a coalition? Episode I might have sucked, but it does bear resemblance to the First Gulf War. So is the Emperor a Republican? Maybe. I only know one thing: the First Gulf War would have been much less necessary if Gungans were the natives of Kuwait.

And while you're asking, the Second Gulf War does not bear any resemblance to Episode II. Nope. None at all.

If you listen very closely to Palpatine's laugh, you can sometimes hear echoes of George W. Bush's. That's because Skywalker Sound, for the DVD Special Edition release, slightly modified the laugh and mixed in Bush's own in post-production to create this effect.

Palpatine always went for the fat chicks. Slick Willy.

The Galactic Senate happily went to war at first, but after it was dissolved, many members turned into the Rebel Alliance. Some became admirals, some became generals, and some became Speakers of the House and Majority Leaders. The Emperor himself is famous for dissolving the Senate and giving regional control to local governors, at least the ones presiding over Red States. He also blew up South Dakota.

Clone troopers?! Hell! What parties do you think we're dealing with?!

Palpatine made some massive changes to the military budget. He spent tons of taxpayer dollars on plenty of new military projects. He and his armies fought terrorist scum in backwater deserts... so you might think I'm making Bush out to be the most “Palpatinish” president, but I'm really not! Every president does this, so it's nothing new! They're all withered old bastards!

The Second Gulf War and Episode II still have nothing to do with each other. Especially not in how much they both sucked.

Labels: Longer Stuff, Politics