My sister received two little bundles of joy recently... dwarf hamsters. Personally, I'm a little mystified by the creatures. Their purpose in life is a tough one to understand, unless you consider that they appear to be hacky sacks. I was yelled at for suggesting that. Perhaps my sister doesn't understand such leisurable activity. But ignoring that, how could such a creature survive evolution? How could such a useless creature survive rain, snow, time, and the occasional human foot?

Okay, we'll start off by giving them this: they're ridiculously cute. They motor around, never stopping for breath, and squeak like rubber duckies. They are made up of bug eyes, kitten-soft fur, and an easily collapsible skull (don't worry, there's no brain to worry about squishing... it'll be fine once air refills the cavity). I could say they survived because cats just couldn't eat something so cute, but everyone knows this is silly. Cats are the embodiment of true evil. Evil eats cuteness for breakfast.

When my sister first got these creatures, she put them in their new cage, and they kept throwing themselves into the water dish. It took forever for them to learn not to drown their little hamster selves. So, I enter the first piece of somewhat discouraging facts: predators and standing puddles would be formidable enemies for early hamsters.

I mentioned predators, and I meant predators. When my sister just got the two things, their cage was left on a window sill. The window was closed. Very soon, the people my sister was with in the apartment heard banging. They discovered a hawk attempting to gain access to the cage. It threw itself at the window repeatedly, diving from a nearby rooftop. Apparently, it was pretty cool to watch. Some people in the apartment wanted to open the window and let the hawk in to party (I can only assume).

Where does that leave us, then, on the Evolutionary Survival Question Concerning Hamsters? Our first hypothesis: windows. But this begs the question: how the heck did hamsters last so long before Betsy Ross invented windows during the American Revolution? (LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Mrs. Ross invented windows because she needed window sills to put her freshly baked apple pies!)

In all truth, I have no clue. I'd rather perform useless psychoanalysis on hamsters instead. We'll take the only two examples I know, Gizmo and Maya, and analyze them: Maya is a fierce, nearly Amazonian little rodent. She'll bite anything that wakes her up or disrupts the flow of air in her general area code. Gizmo, on the other hand, feels the need to run everywhere, until sometimes stopping and freezing in time (don't ask). The gears in her head are pretty rusty (the few gears there, you, know, besides the large air pocket). She also likes to escape from her cage a lot. Maya beats up on Gizmo a lot, if you can imagine. Actually, now that I write this, the way the two act—Gizmo being an airhead, Maya biting Gizmo, and Gizmo escaping from her cage—well, it makes a lot more sense.

These girls are perfect examples of the only two personalities that any hamsters have: the Escape Artist and the Bitch. Types A and B, similar to human beings tested by the more reputable tests on Quizilla.com (on the less reputable ones, hamsters may rate anywhere from "You are Boba Fett!" to "U CAN RLY B MY BF!").

As you can imagine, Gizmo is considered Type A, the Escape Artist. She Escape Artist-ed herself quite recently into an oven in a now infamous story that, when told by anyone besides my sister, has way too many Holocaust jokes. Later, she was rescued, after stashing a large amount of treats in a corner of the oven. There is now much more mesh wire covering the hamster cage.

Maya is the Type B, the Nazi Bitch. She's the Great White Hamster, even though she's tan-colored, and is quite difficult to handle. Unlike the innocently beady black eyes of Gizmo, Maya's eyes are colored red. To even up the score, I should tell an embarrassing story about Maya: as a very young hamster, she bit my sister's friend's foot. The friend shook the hamster off and made the fuzzball into a Nerf® ball. She did turn out unscathed, though she may still remember that, subconsciously, despite her five-second memory.

So, I suppose both creatures have survival skills, evolutionary skills almost, allowing for the continuation of their species. Predators would not have a chance against Maya, unless they were a foot, and Gizmo would find a nice warm oven to hide in and shower.