Eaglie's Aviary

Sunday, August 24, 2003

The Summer of Love and Peace and Stepping on the US Constitution is over. Time to continue the drudgery of yelling at the Palestinian Authority and Israeli Security Forces to STOP FUCKING SHOOTING EACH OTHER while we, as Americans, are trying to SHOOT EVERYONE ELSE... I feel better now.

So, now to decide on the Aviary's MOVIE OF THE SUMMER! In contention, there were movies like Finding Nemo, Seabiscuit, Terminator 3, Matrix Reloaded, and, of course, Gigli. After the past year, I feel that we needed a bit of heartwarming humor, but also some good action. Let's see how this all turns out:

Welcome, fans, to the Battle Royale of the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS! The battle has begun with Neo, Zion's Messiah and Symbolism embodied, taking an early lead by pummeling all those unknowns out there. But wait! There's a tiny clownfish, flopping up into the ring! It's Nemo, or one of those damn fish from that one movie! It's beating the crap out of Neo! They seem to know Neo's weakness is his vulnerable toes! Neo seems to be K.O.ed! It's seems all over already!
But wait! Now there's a man... no, a MACHINE shooting the fish! Looks like someone'll be eating those endangered tropical fish for dinner tonight, with a hint of lemon squeezed on top of them! He has now gunned down several couples, probably from the innane romantic comedies this summer! The Terminator now seems to be shouting something! It sounds like, "I AM DE GUVURNATOR! FOUR YEARS FO' AH-NOLD!" He has just fired a rocket at Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez! They have now exploded in a cloud of red mist and gibs! The crowds going wild!
OOHHHHH! Someone seems to have grabbed Arnold by the ankles! It's Gary Coleman! Aided by several jockeys around his height, the former star of Different Strokes has put the Terminator in an ankle lock! The jockeys, including one Toby MacGuire, have taken center ring, as one rides their horse over Mr. Swartzenegger over and over! Seabiscuit has won!
I DO NOT BELIEVE IT! A sword is protruding out of Toby's chest! Now it's slicing through more jockeys! It's Captain Jack Sparrow, AKA Johnny Depp, of Pirates of the Caribbean! He has now killed all the jockeys, and slain Gary Coleman! He's now taking the center stage! And he threw his sword at Cyclops of the X-Men, killing the poor 180/20-sighted sap, to make it official! Captain Jack Sparrow is now winner of the Battle Royale and Governor of California!

So, I liked Pirates of the Caribbean the most. It had action with a ton of humor, plus it was a pirate movie that didn't suck. Johnny Depp and Gregory Rush were masterful. The movie had a great score by Hans Zimmer, and there were British Royal Marines and a ZOMBIE PIRATE MONKEY! Plus, there was Keira Knightly...

Ah well...

We ARRRRR Number 1!