Eaglie's Aviary

Ten Years Later

2011-12-04T23:20:00.009-06:00

Eaglie. Born December 5, 2001. Ten years ago.

You argue that he's only nine years old. You also were that horrible person who insisted the year 2000 wasn't the turn of the millennium and you are going to ruin Christmas this year.

Why does December 5th stick around? Why not July 4th?

I've told the story before. It is the day I first typed the name "Eaglie" as my label.

In the years since, I've discovered new reasons to keep the date:

Prohibition ended on December 5, 1933. That's when Americans ratified the 21st Amendment. As Ken Burns put it, Prohibition was the only time the U.S. Constitution was amended—key word: amended—to take away freedom rather than add to it. All other amendments have been meant to give Americans more freedom... or to add term limits. (And I'll add a personal story I told a few years back.)

And then, going through family documents, I learned my grandmother—my oma, as I'd call her if I'd known her—became an American that day. A German naturalized to an American citizen. My dad remembered his dad being so proud of her. And she was just as proud.

To me as an American (and as me), December 5th is as important as July 4th.

Wake Me Up When September 11th Turns 20

2011-09-11T12:37:00.012-05:00

"Ten years ago" is a sorry way to lead a post on Sept. 11th, 2011. It would've had impact nine years ago. Not today.

The time I'm writing this, late on 09/11/11, I have heard "Empire State of Mind" far more than is comfortable, thanks to a Spike Lee commercial. I saw soldiers, Clydesdales, and a lot of small children attempt to warm the cockles of my heart. Some moments did, some didn't.

Simon Garfunkel was fine.

Questions remain ten years later. For example, at the WTC site memorial, how clogged with pennies will those twin reflecting pools get? And real questions like: where does our nation go from here? Where does Eaglie go from here?

I've said it before: Eaglie was forged that day of watching CNN on the crappy televisions in the school dining hall. The admin office gasping. Senor Kennedy crying. The F-16 patrol around the Chicago skyline shadowing us. Mr. Stonich teaching. And you'd have to know Mr. Stonich to know EXACTLY what that means.

More than any other event, the explosions shaped this character of mine. So I take this selfish moment to ask that question: where DOES Eaglie go from here? Maybe the next few months will tell. I AM working my mojo in a tech class.

On that ambiguous note, here's an archive of my September 11th posts (because you ever so wanted it). Apparently I didn't have a post in 2003:
9-11-2004
9-11-2005
9-11-2006
9-11-2007
9-11-2008
9-11-2009
9-11-2010
9-11-2011

Never Forget, Mate

2011-09-04T23:01:00.002-05:00

Never forget.

Five years ago, Croc Hunter.

The End of All Ha' Potta' Kedavra

2011-07-14T17:55:00.003-05:00

My first brush with Harry Potter began with someone shoving a copy of Goblet of Fire next to my face and shouting, "It's uncanny!" And I pretended I knew exactly what the book was and exactly who the boy on the cover was.

Years later, the Lord of the Rings Versus Harry Potter rivalry began. Movies and midnight releases galore. But I avoided the Boy Who Looked A Lot Like Me.

Then I let up for the release of Order of the Phoenix. I started with the first book. And the second book. And the third book the next day. By this point, Lord of the Rings was winning Oscars and there wasn't much of a comparison.

Then I got the final book on my 21st birthday. (True story. A good story, really.) I guess I've grown up with the series, and it all ends tonight with a movie, Part Two of Two. No more, despite what the stupid website implies. With all this nearly behind us, I figured I'd share some of the better stuff I've written at this blog (most in my compatriot character Eaglie's voice):

American Quidditch
The Political Allegory of the Minister of Magic
Will the World End?
After a Cookie-Fueled Marathon...
Harry Potter and the World's Imminent Collapse

I'll end with one of my pieces of investigative journalism, my visit to Oak Park's Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Release Party. Did you know that I wrote 5000 words about Harry Potter in that one week? I called it Ha' Potta' Kedavra Week.

...yeah.

We all swish & flick on.

Proof Through the Night

2011-07-04T16:49:00.003-05:00

Happy July 4th to anyone stumbling upon this page! Especially Americans, since it is our holiday. This holiday rings with such celebratory excitement and glee (not joy--that's saved for Christmas) that I can't help but sing along. Read the Declaration, read some satire of the Declaration... the usual American things.

And despite all our misgivings, all our wars, debts, and general stupidity, there's always room to bask in the awesomeness of our country. People STILL love coming here. SMART people. For example, British author Simon Winchester is getting his citizenship today after living in this country for years.

It's gallant of a proper British chap become an American this day and age--and aboard a warship that stood cannon-to-cannon against the British in 1812 to boot! Not many Americans can say that. None that I know personally. I'm almost jealous.

Still Alive This May Five...

2011-05-05T10:40:00.006-05:00

You thought Eaglie and the Aviary was dead. (It's been since January since we've posted.) Well, we're not, which is more than I can say for some terrorists. We're more than alive. But things are moving fast: it's May 5th again, meaning it's the 8th anniversary of the beginning of this blog. The eggs of plans are coming up, I swear. I have billions of them to lay.

But, a word during this second post of 2011: nearly a decade ago, an idea began in the ash of a terrible September. A few months later, the chill of a December night created Eaglie. Two years later and Eaglie was blogging.

Eaglie was a high school student's product of a tragedy perpetrated by a terrible man with a beard. A teenager's image of a failing empire. A bird watcher's binocular view gone loony.

But maybe we aren't as bad off as we expected: democracy is in everyone's hearts and wings all these years later. As bin Laden gets a seaweed makeover, the Arab Spring continues to bloom and liberate peoples in the Middle East. And not to stand by and allow the Arabs all the credit, maybe America did usher in a new world order. Maybe the USA'll last long enough to see it! And maybe the Aviary helped!

Of course it did.

Bears-Packers, Part 182

2011-01-23T11:30:00.003-06:00

Storied, storied, storied, storied! That's what this rivalry is. I mean, I've written about it before. The last time the Bears and the Packers met in the playoffs was a week after Pearl Harbor was attacked.

If only I was in the Midwest today--in Chicago, eating ribs, brats, and drinking Jim Beam in a hallowed parking lot. It really is the Super Bowl today.

Wait Until 2011! It'll Be Great!

2010-12-31T16:36:00.005-06:00

Eaglie's annual Four Horsemen post will be going up soon, just... well, okay, I ask for some more slack. I mean, Eaglie didn't even get to wish you guys Merry Christmas! For that, I am sorry. Please, have a Merry Christmas. On the house.

In lieu of the Horsemen post for now, sit with something that cheered me up today and in Auld Lang Syne:

(Video via Neatorama and friend-of-the-blog Chris Edwards.)

Here's to a happier, healthier 2011, one with a Four Horsemen post and lots more happy penguins.

Remember My Birthday and Repeal Day!

2010-12-05T22:02:00.000-06:00

Repeal Day and my birthday mix well, even if I was mostly alone. I spent the day drinking hot toddies alone due to a sore throat. (Yes, birds get sore throats.) Phlegm was coming out of every hole in my beak, and that isn't healthy for a human, let alone a bird. However, we've learned in the past few decades that alcohol solves everything, and you can't ban it, unless it makes your heart explode. You can ban it then.

Business-wise: I've been out of contact and not blogging, but still I should mention I've planned out a trip to Chicago for Christmas with Andy. I'll head with him and go see my parents in downstate Illinois. They're getting ready to fly a bit south. Eagles and humans have the same instincts in this way.

Someone Left the Cake out in the Rain

2010-11-02T21:46:00.004-05:00

The House was called for the GOP a while ago. The Senate is leaning Democratic, but barely. The GOP is probably going to take a few extra governors' mansions and get to gerrymander to their hearts' content. And our cake was ruined.

But I need to say about this situation: it looks bad for sure. All our plans seem ruined. Dinner, certainly. But it's nothing to worry about.

There is an equal chance to ruin and satisfy on a day like this. When the smoke clears, we just have to deal with the situation we're in. Some people even like burnt cake. For the next two years, they get to have their way and eat it, too. But I get my way sometimes. So I don't worry.

The Witchblade Has Been Lost

2010-11-02T19:20:00.002-05:00

This is really old news: in fact, this is really old news for the 24-hour news cycle: in fact, this is older than old because there was no chance in hell she'd win: Christine O'Donnell lost her race in Delaware, giving the Democrats something to crack a smile over.

The LITERAL AVALANCHE Begins

2010-11-02T18:53:00.002-05:00

CNN called Kentucky for Rand Paul. Indiana was called for Coats. Let the pity party start for Democrats.

Disenfranchised!

2010-11-02T11:57:00.008-05:00

It feels weird to be disenfranchised and for it to be one's own fault.

I checked three weeks ago for policy on Illinois absentee ballots. The deadline was gone and dead.

No, the Internet can't solve my problems either. Instead, I went back to doing the other parts of my civic duty: the rest of my undemocratic life. But sadly, I won't get to vote in an election I've been urging people to vote in. The most important election of 2010.

There's a lack of control in my life today. I feel the need to sit on a couch and tell people that I'm at the mercy of all too many crazies.

But I don't worry. I don't despair. Andy and I are going to go bake a cake.

P.S.

THIS.

IS.

Night of the Living Tea Party

2010-10-31T10:35:00.001-05:00

Out of the woodworks in the past two years came the Tea Party here in America. I know this is old news, but they've been terrifying the populace, eating brains, and spreading by virus and dogma. Thankfully, it hasn't crossed the borders into Mexico or gone overseas yet.

One must be careful these days as these "Tea Baggers" attack shopping malls and town halls, not to mention undocumented housekeepers. One must speak softly and carry a shotgun. And it needs to be loaded with bullets rather than logic. They're immune to logic at this point.

Top scientists race and hope to find a cure someday. Or at least a vaccine for those of us to fight back with. First we have to find the gene that makes people innately angry and unreasonable. It might involve a healthier economic climate with growth in stocks and consumer spending, leading to swift job creation and a steady increase in the market, leading to a smaller trade gap and a lessened national debt. But only the top scientists can tell us in time.

Good Halloween night, and good luck, America.

Rally and Restore America, Sirs and Madams!

2010-10-29T17:06:00.005-05:00

I'm going to Washington, D.C, and my preference is to keep fear alive. (As "sanity" is not in my vocabulary.) Washington is a lovely-sounding city where I've almost never been except when I went that one time with Andy and his family and saw everything but the kitchen sink of the Library of Congress. Of course the Library of Congress has a kitchen! It also has a Make-Out Point! That's in the ,69.SUTRA stacks. (Over 5,000 editions and almost as many positions!)

Though the link to that trip's log is long broken. I should fix that.

I'll see you, my readers, again when the weekend's out. When Halloween hits, actually. I'll have a report when I get back from my lovely eight to ten-hour bus ride through all the highlights, like Smelly, New York, and Dorky, Pennsylvania.

The Land of Autumn Is Slacking

2010-10-05T23:15:00.001-05:00

I live in the Northeast, the land of autumn. Where is my instant beauty?

I don't know much about this place yet, but I expected on September 22nd to see all the leaves to burst into flame and dance in the wind. Instead, I see a lot of misty skies, rain, and, once in a while mixed in, an 80-degree day.

Not to mention school. There's always schoolwork when I should be out playing with friends outside with a light jacket on. I should be making Ol' Man Witteker mad after he spent his whole day raking! But I don't have any time to jump in the leaf piles! And there aren't even any on the ground yet! Five whole days into October!

Fall is the reason to live in deciduous America and not California. Don't screw this up for me, Nature.

My Captain, My Mayor

2010-09-16T23:00:00.008-05:00

Me and Andy leave Chicago for one minute and everything in Chicago happens!

Unless you live under a rock or somewhere besides the Chicagoland-Northwest Indiana area, you've heard that Mayor Richard M. Daley of Chicago will not run for a seventh term. That means, in May, for the first time in 21 years, a Daley will not be Mayor of Chicago. And in the past 55 years, Daleys have handled 42.

Without King Richard II, there would've been much less graft. Okay, you're killing me. This is CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, we're talking about. There will ALWAYS be graft. And greed. And corruption. And governors getting fitted for stripes.

The difference is that Richie Daley knew how to work that system. Very, very well. I mean, he looks almost clean! Other mayors have always struggled to hold the feuding factions (blacks, whites, Hispanics, the Polish) of the city together.

He (and his father) worked this system to make the City of Chicago into what it is today. A shining jewel of the Midwest--the sparkling center of a region that's turned to rust.

Richie has been mayor a super-majority of my life. I shed a tear for him. REALLY! I will miss him, and I worry for my city without him.

So I Forgot

2010-09-11T23:14:00.001-05:00

Sue me and donate the proceeds or something.

Hitting the Road in August--Boston, Here Eaglie Comes!

2010-08-28T22:43:00.011-05:00

Andy and I are in the throes of moving, the most American of pastimes. What is more American than dangerously over-stuffing a minivan and swerving about the highways and byways of this great nation?

Moving allows you to:

Discover new places to be bigoted about.

Make one's way in the world only to discover the skyrocketing price of gas means you're going to have to "borrow" from the people still inside the Hardee's at the Oasis (bring a funnel and some Altoids).

Buy new IKEA furniture.

Do the necessary research on an apartment after you've signed the lease, just like a Senate Appropriations Committee.

Live in squalor and swear you won't next year, all the way up to the point that you lazily resign the same lease.

I should add an addendum: moving is the most American of pastimes only if the move is to another part of America, which is exactly where we're going. Boston.

We're going to Boston, where Andy will hit the books, get this website working, and get laid. Oh, and I should rediscover America instantly and feel inspired.

Until we're situated in our dingy new apartment with Internet/manage to steal Wi-Fi, I'll just be on Twitter. Follow @eaglie.

How American

2010-07-04T07:45:00.001-05:00

The bans on buying handguns in several Midwest towns (Chicago and Oak Park, Il.) were essentially overturned by the Supreme Court.

The Gulf of Mexico has been handing out free fossil fuels to all its neighbors.

And we're still terrible at soccer. At least on defense.

How American. Happy Birthday to all of us, guys!

American Exceptionalisms to Soccer

2010-06-16T15:27:00.002-05:00

American exceptionalism: we take exception to the game of soccer. When the World Cup kicked off last Friday, I figured something out: there is something distinctly un-American about soccer. We Americans like scores. We like close-ups. We like tackling without sliding. We like funny commercials. Ad companies (i.e. Americans) like funny commercials. Let's see:

___ Scoring
___ Close-ups of awesome action during the game
___ Tackling (without sliding)
___ Funny commercials, maybe involving a cute baby
___ Americans winning

No checks. Soccer fails this list miserably, so most Americans aren't going to like soccer very soon. The ones that will aren't me.

But, hey! USA tied a game with England last Saturday! We might do pretty well in this bracket! Go Team USA! Beat Slovenia and Algeria next! And go Soccer! WOOOOO! BUUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

I Knew Breaking Up Standard Oil Was a Bad Idea

2010-06-04T10:14:00.003-05:00

It's an environmental disaster! Do something before it gets worse than the Exxon Valdez! It will lead to the destruction of the Gulf Coast people and their homes! Do something, please, before it's worse than Hurricane Katrina! Nothing we can do about it while it makes the shrimping industry extinct? OH GOD, SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING, NOW!!! TOO MUCH!!!

The British Petroleum oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico has been going for weeks now. In that time, we've seen the rare: perfect games in baseball, ALMOST-perfect games in baseball, and the rarest sight of all, a Chicago sports team on the verge of winning a championship.

We've seen politicians backtrack on stupid statements made years ago. We've seen almost-covert military operations by Israel. And we saw someone get named an American Idol by text message. Not exactly rare things these days, but all these things, all the while, oil leaked out of the earth and into our seafood.

Sigh. I will resign on this. There is no hope. That squeeze bottle of cocktail sauce in my fridge... so much will be wasted.

Chicago to New York, Sunset to Sunrise

2010-05-11T10:42:00.004-05:00

I have nine hours in Gotham to do everything from tap-dancing on gilded streets to ice-skating on the roof of Rockefeller Center. At least I imagine this will be the case. I can't go many places because the flight lands at 10 pm and leaves for Chicago again at 9 am. It's late for gallivanting in New York, but Andy and I will be fine. We can make it there. No "if."

Seven Years of Love and Neglect

2010-05-05T16:51:00.003-05:00

May 5th, 2003, was the day I first posted. I still was Andy then. As I still am, for anyone wanting to inform on me to Arkam Asylum.

Seven years, and I've both loved and neglected her since. So this State of the Blog? Most would say that when you're posting once every two weeks, the state is not good. I would agree.

Maybe the answer lies in change, as our president reminded us many times the past three years. But what is "Change"? Twitter? Probably not the only answer. Deleting this blog? Would never cross my mind. A completely new way of going about this blog? Maybe. I don't fear change.

Speaking of which: soon enough, I'll be moving to Boston to start grad school. Yes, I said I was moving to Boston. Maybe it's there that the Bird of a Nation will come back to life, and where better but 200 miles away from the City of Brotherly Love for a fictional symbol of freedom to spread his wings? Oh, and there's all that Freedom Trail bullshit in Boston, too.

So: in good and bad times, in sickness and in health, in pursuit of happiness, I say cheers to my Aviary. May she live forever.

I Double-Down on the Awesome Power of Wikipedia #7

2010-04-21T11:04:00.008-05:00

All this talk of the KFC Double Down Sandwich got me hungry. Two breaded chicken chunks, two slices of cheese, and bacon. (Side note: where's the lettuce to make this a proper chicken-fried BLT?)

The media and the Internet can't stop talking about it. The advertising is brazen, full of smiling people calling bread dead. I saw news sites looking for reviews of it from average people. And they got plenty of those. It's something like a trolling of America--how many people can KFC fill with rage and inane rambling chatter?

But I'm not thinking about the Double Down anymore. Not me. It's past tense. I buy from my local Harold's Chicken Shack and dump Kraft Cheese and bacon into the Styrafoam box. It works the same while supporting local business. I'm a locavore kind of carnivore.

No, I stopped thinking of the Double Down when my friend Alex reminded me of the sweet, sweet taste of a hamburger meant for the discerning adult who happened to take his or her kids to McDonald's in the 1990s: the Arch Deluxe. (Bonus: I found a whole template devoted to McDonald's!)

Called "one of the most expensive flops of all time" by Wikipedia contributors, the Arch Deluxe wasn't subject to the same fast-food-hating hyperbole as the Double Down. People weren't calling the Arch Deluxe a "salt bomb" or "abomination." Kids didn't get it, and neither did adults. Unlike KFC's Double Down, a creation that will be hailed in the annals of the Internet (by way of the Chicago Tribune) as a "meat-glorb."

And that is the Awesome Power of Wikipedia.

Every Next Year, There's a Chance

2010-04-05T11:46:00.005-05:00

I don't think there are any days that optimism soars quite like Opening Day in Chicago baseball. The small-balling Sox already got running, and the Cubbies start in an hour. Yup, it is only a matter of time before that fly-ball-of-optimism gets lost in the summer sun.

That was the less optimistic side talking. I still think there's a chance. Ever a tinker of a chance in Chicago, that's what my Pop always said.

So, my predictions: Cubs-Sox win the two Central Divisions, the pennant, and meet in the World Series. Cubs in five there. A tinker of a chance, like I just said.

I'm Ready for My Close-Up, O'Hare

2010-03-25T15:10:00.006-05:00

Yes, I'm flying. In a plane. Tomorrow. That means I get to be among the first to "wag my tail" for the body scanners at O'Hare International Airport. Well, actually, thousands have already gone through since they opened--it's a busy airport--but I'm the first I know.

Tomorrow, a 3-D image of my body will become property of the U.S. Government. Appendages, crevices, and all. And I hope they take a good look at it because, soon enough, they won't be able to get rid of it for any preexisting conditions.

First You, Now the Internet

2010-03-16T14:48:00.004-05:00

First YOU get an award, now the Internet might get one! Yes, THAT Internet! What's with all these incomprehensibly large and theoretical entities getting stuff, and when do they ship me mine?

Also, question: does the Internet count as a pronoun by now? I think it does. Oxford, listen up.

I Won't Bother with an Oscar Ballot

2010-03-07T10:19:00.006-06:00

Everyone seems to have the same bracket for this year's Oscars, airing tonight. Seriously, I can't even disagree with Roger Ebert this year. Thanks a lot, Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock, and Mo'Nique.

Okay, so there's still some debate over Best Actor in a Supporting Role (Christopher Plummer), Best Director (Kathryn Bigelow), Best Adapted Screenplay (Up in the Air), Best Original Screenplay (Inglorious Basterds), and Best Picture (Avatar).

And if someone finally beats Pixar for Best Animated Feature Film, there will probably be a couple street fights in Vegas.

Rumor Is the German One's Biathletic!

2010-02-19T10:27:00.000-06:00

Germany and the U.S. are in a tight medal count race up and to the left in Vancouver. They are also in a tight race involving hot ladies dressed in super-hot leotards. Sure, there's plenty to show off of the men's muscles for curling stones and shoving sleds (who are also dressed in leotards), but this is the women's time to shine. This is the biennial time attention is paid to women's sports. Make it worth our time, competitors! Some writers at Esquire have deadlines! (Metromix was also happy to show us the goods, but they threw a few men in. How quaint!)

The Germans are led by Magdalena Neuner. She picked up silver in Women's 7.5 km Sprint, whatever that means. And she picked up gold in Women's 10 km Pursuit, whatever that means. But the point is, she did it while being hot. So did a few other German girls the past eight days, and none of them have worn push-up dirndl to do it! You can't buy that kind of talent.

The American lineup of cheesecake is iced with ladies like Lindsey Vonn, Julia Mancuso, and Tanith Belbin. All are lovely and medal winners. Or are soon-to-be medal winners. They aren't Picabo Street, I know, but no one has a name that awesome anymore.

And the U.S. and Germany aren't the only countries capable of producing women! China has its young lineup of speedskaters, and Canada has a surprising number of lookers, even with all the poutine and maple syrup. So many lovely, hot ladies, all in leotards and tight snow gear! Well, almost all, which is why no one likes women's hockey.

But these fem-athletes are all supremely talented, of course. They should be valued for their strategies and competitiveness--their intelligence and sportspersonship above all else. Now let the cheering and cat-calling continue!

Loved Side A, Hon, but Side B Lacked Energy--Better Luck Next Time!

2010-02-14T18:42:00.004-06:00

While it's still Valentine's Day, I better make up for my cynicism today (sending around They Might Be Giants' "They'll Need a Crane" did not help). I give you, the reader, a mixtape by my friend and listener, Alex. Your mixtapes are excellent and romantic and bodacious, sir: may you never go deaf in your old age.

And look! There's a less depressing They Might Be Giants' song on there!

The 2010 Winter Olympics!

2010-02-13T15:13:00.000-06:00

Did you watch the opening of Vancouver's Olympics last night? Probably not, unless you're Moldovan, since national pride moved them to send an athlete or two.

I did. And I enjoyed native son Donald Sutherland's voiceover, the other announcers' McKenzie Boy accents and giant light-up bear (photo from NPR). But why the bear? And why Vancouver?

The bear's an easy question: Vancouver is a place of ancestral and wild spirits. Hence the light show with whales and wolves and moose. Also, Coca-Cola is still in the winter season of its ad campaign cycle.

Vancouver itself is close to Seattle, Wash., but is actually too far north to be part of the U.S. As part of Canada, Vancouver is a very snowy, cold place, though there isn't any snow at the moment which is why Olympic officials are scrambling to build a weather machine. (My suggestion: ask Bill Gates.) The city is in the southwest corner of British Columbia, which is NOT Saskatchewan or even remotely close to any place Ellen Page is from.

Stay tuned for more comprehensive coverage like that!

GEAUX COLTS

2010-02-07T13:22:00.004-06:00

Contrary to the blog post title, I am not rooting for someone this Super Bowl. Like all Super Bowls, I am remaining at an comedic-objective viewpoint. No emotional feelings. No intellectual feelings. Just football feelings.

I suppose as a comedian I should vote (we vote, right?) for the unsentimental but funnyman favorite, Peyton Manning. See the following video to understand such things:

But I left my heart and dignity in New Orleans a few years back. (I wish someone would return those.) So there's that.

I am torn. And I will just enjoy the Super Bowl for what it is. (An overblown spectacle of sickeningly fun proportions.)

Still Sledding, Fifteen Years Later

2010-02-05T16:06:00.001-06:00

My friend Chris said he knew I was a genius for loving Calvin & Hobbes. Didn't everyone who grew up in the late Eighties and early Nineties love Calvin & Hobbes though? Are we ALL geniuses?

Hell no.

What Chris meant by that is he knew enough comedians, writers, and actors who also loved "Calvin & Hobbes." They loved it to pieces. But that still sounds like everyone I knew back in the day. You have pretty good odds of a resounding "yes" when you ask any gaggle of up-and-coming stars and artists whether they read "Calvin & Hobbes" as kids.

Fifteen years ago, I read the last comic Bill Watterson wrote and went "huh." I wanted the comic to end on a funny note. It didn't! It was a damned philosophy strip! Of course, I still liked it and teared up. And I still well up every time I read it in my collection. And I still have the original Tribune printing clipped out. And I muffle my sobbing with a goose-down pillow.

Last week, a Cleveland Plain Dealer interview with the reclusive writer/artist hit the Web and spread like wildfire. (Dead reclusive writer J.D. Salinger comparisons spread with it.)

Mr. Bill Watterson looks like the father and sounds a little like Calvin and Hobbes (less so the actual philosophers). He carries himself with a true elite attitude of an artiste, but I like that in a guy.

And we all read the interview. (Even the stupid ones.) We stopped doing whatever we were doing to read it. (I stopped showering.) Yes, we are still a generation stuck in nostalgia. Whether it is a boy and his tiger or a boy and his dragon, we will always remember.

A Jagged Gorgeous Winter - The Main Drag from Main Drag on Vimeo.

I think that video was a repost.

The NFC Championship of Sappy Story Lines

2010-01-24T09:59:00.014-06:00

The Brett Favre's Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints play today to decide who goes to that spectacle of spectacles, Thunderdome--I mean, the Super Bowl. These are two grand story lines of adversity: Brett Favre's age and New Orleans' hurricane. I don't know which I want to hear about less.

Brett Favre is 40 years old. He's retired and come back three years in a row. He's playing for a blood rival to his old team that he won a Super Bowl with (the Packers). He would be the oldest quarterback to play in the Super Bowl ever. What's not to despise? I can't think of anything worse than Favre going to the Super Bowl. Except if a 23-year-old rookie named Mark Sanchez also makes into the Super Bowl as the youngest quarterback ever. Oh, and maybe if the Saints win today.

Hurricane Katrina happened over four years ago, leaving thousands of New Orleans residents homeless. I swear I am not a fan of this. But it means we have to watch depressing images and sappy feel-good rebuilding stories every minute of the day on ESPN. Ugh. Sure, it could cut into Haiti's airtime. But it could also mean we'll have double the squalor and pop benefits on TV. I can't think of anything worse. Except maybe listening to AARP wax about Brett Favre until February 7 if the Vikings win today.

ESPN, in the two weeks coming up to the Super Bowl, will paste these story lines onscreen 24/7. So will every other news agency, even TMZ. And one must happen. One must win. I can't think of much worse.

Still, there is a bright side. There is a very fun drinking game pending for the Super Bowl, no matter who loses today.

Horsemen of 2009!

2010-01-15T18:04:00.003-06:00

This article may contain language too explicit for young children, the elderly, and women who are pregnant or may become pregnant.

2009: a year of hysteria: a year of calling each other Nazis and Communists and Intelligent (all are now dirty words) as economic and social institutions toppled. Stupidity and outrage reigned as i*********t thought. So, all in all, that made it a pretty normal year.

We had our share of abnormal problems: we had a slew of A Capella singing on television. We had a bout with #Swine Flu. Or, well, the @media had a bout with #Swine Flu. In truth, this #H1N1 virus didn't do much. Hand sanitizer appeared everywhere there was a door handle, yet door handles killed more people than the virus.

We always say the sensationalism in our culture can't soar any higher and get any worse. But it did. And it clouded the entire year in talking points and gloom. (Again, maybe it was just a pretty normal year.)

Sure, the United States fell into financial ruin. Little Timmy @Geithner oversaw the movement of thousands of trucks of money and let Turbo Tax handle these truck-based bailouts. Ben @Berwhatshisface, head of the #Fed, oversaw the "worst #recession since President @Reagan read his stock ticker upside-down." Berwhatshisface slashed interest rates to the point of getting named TIME Man of the Year. But that it wasn't enough to sway me.

No, this wasn't the year of financial ruin (even though it was). It wasn't the year of the Tea Party (even though it was). It wasn't the year of Michael @Jackson's death, or even Farrah @Fawcett's (even though it was... I saw the stirring tributes). This was the year the media threw everyone into further financial panic, dressed as Boston patriots to call for revolution, and got person-to-coffin interviews with celebrities. This was the media's #Apocalypse... #Ragnarok... #Armagedd-O-NINE! Yes, this was the media's year to claim:

EAGLIE'S FOUR HORSEMEN OF 2009!

Socrates was never one for calling people N**is, but they didn't exist then. Ancient Greek discourse might have been of a very different tone today if Hitler had existed, though I suppose Plato would have replaced C*******t with "Sophist Pig." And perhaps Socrates might have posed an i*********t question to one Glenn Beck, "Well, how is one a Nazi when their economics are the definitive opposite of a N**i, a C*******t? I wish to learn." And Glenn Beck--Loudmouth, N**i, and someone who makes Bill @'Reilly seem like an i*********t alternative to right-wing dogma--would answer, "Schmuck!" (Glenn didn't understand the Greek but wanted to answer anyway). Glenn Beck, you shall lead my pundits. You shall be my Horseman of Pestilence.

And who was to blame for taxes and ruin and evil itself, so said this sector of the media? The only non-media horseman of 2009, Barack @Obama. Elected on November 4, 2008, and sworn in on January 20, 2009, President-elect Obama became the first black N**i C*******t bastard to take the Oath of Office. So I nominated him for this award last year in 2008. I mean, he wasn't any @George_W_Bush. THAT was a Horseman. But I'mma let Obama finish, as the young kids are saying these days. He won a worthless Pulitzer as well as a Nobel Peace Prize, which was odd since he hadn't written anything good recently and certainly wasn't planning on re-invading Afghanistan. Nosirree. That is why you, Mr. Barack Obama, are my Horseman of War. May you win many more in the years to come.

Twitter turned #green this year. But not from the cash it was making (which was #none). Tweeting proved itself capable of i*********t, useful stuff in its uprising against Iran. The highly informed Western public turned its pictures the color of Islam (green) in support of the opposition to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In return, Iran accused the U.S. government of inciting the peaceful demonstrations and vowed to put them down. In return-return, hashtags appeared, such as #freeiran, #iranishurtingitspeople, #iranishurtingmerightnow, and #iran(sofaraway).

The media ate this and Twitter up. Iran did, too, though in less violent fashion. Now every i*********t person is either making 140-character dissertations, so these Social-Media-lites can share the Horseman of Famine award. I'm sure there's enough award to re-Tweet.

I apologize beforehand: our Horseman of Death this year is a bit of a pun. Walter Cronkite for years served as the most trusted man in #America. @Uncle_Walter set the mood of the country, with his delivery of news and from time to time touching, i*********t commentary on the deaths of @JFK and the war in #Vietnam. And then, with his death, Cronkite became the coal-mine-dwelling canary of the field of journalism. But hear me out: picture his soothing baritone warning you the end is nigh (don't picture that replaced by Morgan Freeman's yet):

The end is coming, so said the Prophet Cronkite. And it won't be when a comedian is named the newest Most Trusted Man in America. It won't be when the blood runs as e-ink across Amazon Kindle screens. It won't even be in 2012 at the hands of Roland Emmerich!

Lo, the end will come, and it will be as no one but a handful will foresee! And it did come, for Sarah @Palin wrote a book, heralding the end of the printed word and therefore of civilization itself. With Glenn @Beck, Barack @Obama, @Twitter, and an @undead Walter Cronkite as Horsemen.

Sure, My Horsemen of 2009 Article Going to Be Late

2010-01-09T10:36:00.001-06:00

People tell me the decade ended over a week ago. I say the decade just STARTED.

I Think I Broke Something

2010-01-06T22:12:00.004-06:00

More like forgot to fix something. Better rush and fix my image sources... Alas, poor banner.

Look Back at the 1st Part of a Stupid Decade

2010-01-05T11:20:00.001-06:00

I do not write that title with any levity. I started writing this blog in the Aughts, or as I like to call them, the Ohs. And in, "Oh dear, it's not Oh-Nine anymore." And the Ohs started in 20-OH-OH! That's a lifetime ago! And in that time, needless to say, I've watched a lot of stupid things happen. And sometimes I've done stupid things. One thing that wasn't stupid? My "Horsemen" awards.

This "Four Horsemen" schtick (Four Horshmen?) has been a staple of my writing. All those years... 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008

I even did a recap last year. But what kind of gimmick can I come up with this year to prolong my finest annual work? And who really could've been the Four Horsemen of 2000? And 2001? And 2002? There are years here I didn't have a chance to make fun of because Blogger wasn't a glint in the eye of anyone important, especially not Bono! So let's start off this new decade by crapping on the last one.

Eaglie's Retroactive Post-Decade-ous Horsemen of 2000

Choice for my 2000 Horseman of War: George Bush, Sr. Thanks, for both your sons and Florida and chads and the governor of Florida and the Supreme Court decision and Al Gore and did I mention George W. Bush?

Choice for my 2000 Horseman of Pestilence: The ILOVEYOU computer virus proved the vulnerability of computers, and its heralding was the first time most people over 50 thought a computer had the flu.

Choice for my 2000 Horseman of Famine: Computers across the globe, who disproved the vulnerability of computers when they didn't explode when the year rolled over to Y2K. (Remember that term?) This screwed with our minds, as the computers laughed about it all the way to the bank (after ordering all the world's boxes of champagne for themselves).

Choice for my 2000 Horseman of Death: Charles Schultz, who wrote his last Peanuts comic and died the day it printed... eerie, appropriate, and good grief.

Eaglie's Retroactive Post-Decade-ous Horsemen of 2001

War: DO YOU REALLY NEED ME TO TELL YOU?! I MEAN, YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!! (Never Forget. The greatest meme of our time.)

Pestilence: Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, who installed a monument to the Ten Commandments at his Alabama courthouse. Which were removed, or not, or were. And the world was made safe from religion, or for religion, or from, whichever. A truly constitutional herald of the End Times.

Famine: Wikipedia, which launched. God help us who use it to look up everything, including the research for this post.

Death: Enron, which went bankrupt. With this Dot-Com Bubble officially burst and the Internet was never profitable again.

Eaglie's Retroactive Post-Decade-ous Horsemen of 2002

War: Tom Ridge, Secretary of the new-created Dept. of Homeland Security. From here on in, America was forever safe from restaurant-goers not wearing shirts and socks.

Pestilence: Michael Jackson, who dangled a baby over a ledge while changing his... what, too soon?

Famine: Oddyssey, the rover on Mars, which found ice water deposits, but sadly no alien venison.

Death: The European Union, which launched the Euro this year, the all-encompassing world-beating currency, now worth more than the American, Canadian and Australian dollars (not combined). Know now! This is the coming of the Beast! Beware the Anti-Christ leading the Revived Roman Empire, the evil King of the North allying with the King of the South and destroying Israel, REPENT OR SOMETHING OR OTHER!

By the way, did you think I forgot? Expect my NEW "Horsemen of 2009" soon. Very soon, the FINAL HORSEMEN. OF 2009!!! (Published in 2010.)

The Magic of the Holidays Is Upon Us!

2009-12-25T00:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I think the Internet just perpetuates our generation's nostalgia.

(h/t The Chicagoist)

NORAD Begins Its Yearly Tracking... Much Better Than UPS, By the Way

2009-12-24T17:43:00.002-06:00

Breaking news: Santa has not crossed the Atlantic yet. But the Big Guy's getting close!

Happy Beginning of the Holidays a Week and a Half Ago!

2009-12-07T15:00:00.005-06:00

The holidays are coming and going at a breakneck speed! I didn't even have a chance to wish myself a happy birthday! Which I will retroactively wish for last Saturday, December 5th.

But that is not the point of this preciously short post. The point is to post a link to Dave Barry's Gift Guide! Which I just started reading. I'm sure everything after that first sentence is great, too.

What Came First? The Giving or the Thanks?

2009-11-26T08:21:00.009-06:00

So I'll give and thank together:

I am thankful for unripped flannel PJs;
" " " " coffee to start the day.
" " " " Channel Nine parades;
" " " " their cute reporter babes.
" " " " my dinner of gobblers;
" " " " you fixing boots, cobblers;

Hey, I'm the poet: I rhyme anything,
So it won't go anywhere, complaining!
(This is the pentametrical bridging.)

I am thankful for not marching ill;
" " " " another coffee refill.
" " " " the Christmas El cheering;
" " " " any other train working.
" " " " heading home at the last minute;
" " " " heading home in just a... minute!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, from the Internet (and by proxy, e.e. cummings)!

Scrubbing Bubbles of Free Speech

2009-11-18T13:34:00.022-06:00

Dubbed free speech zones by some newspapers, bubbles by others, there is widespread agreement from a minority of screaming anti-abortion activists: it's an affront to free speech. And I agree. This new Chicago ordinance infringes on First Amendment rights of people. Not all anti-abortion activists like to kill clinic workers. Just most of them.

I have a solution though: classify the protesters as cigarettes.

You might say, "That's a whole 7 feet less free speech!" And yeah, it is. But free speech doesn't apply to cigarettes.

15 feet would give protesters plenty of room to shout at the abortion clinics. All they have to do is shout louder now. They're free to do that much, and I know they can. At the same time, it allows clinic workers to feel safe, especially after the Surgeon General's Warnings are tattooed on all the protesters. It's only a safety precaution.

It's much easier to reclassify something we don't like than to pile more laws on top of it. Fewer messy Supreme Court visits and fewer accusations of bigotry. Plus, the Chicago City Council can slap a few taxes on the protesters, too. It's a win-win situation for the city and the budget.

Veterans Are Like Onions...

2009-11-11T22:42:00.002-06:00

...they're bloomin'!

Outback Steakhouse is offering free Bloomin' Onions and a coke for all veterans out there. Applebee's is offering free dinner. You'll have to hurry up though, as there's only an hour left to reap the rewards of your sacrifices, veterans!

It was the least we could do.

Whoa, Strange Dream

2009-11-04T10:21:00.002-06:00

Did anyone notice an election yesterday? Or was I just sick with deja vu?

Virginia and New Jersey get GOP governors! Democrats wins the New York 23rd District due to moderate Republicans getting smacked around by the looming birther/tea-party-enthusiast alliance! New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg wins (again)! A sci-fi show insults Obama (kinda)! The Right swallows its own tail (definitely)!

I'll go with "none of the above": I just received a bit of head trauma and don't remember the head trauma.

Vampires Would Appear to Have Denser Skulls Than Movies Make Them Appear

2009-10-31T10:03:00.020-05:00

We've found an interview from a ways back with the newly indicted, former head of the Transylvanian-American Alliance, Vlad "Rod" Blagojevich.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Exclusive - Rod Blagojevich Extended Interview Pt. 1

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

(The rest is here.)

When contacted for a cross-interview with us, the ex-governor hissed and ran.

It's Less than a Week Until Halloween!

2009-10-26T15:42:00.001-05:00

Hope you already have your costume! And have a good meal planned!

Mr. Obama Wins a Peace Prize

2009-10-16T09:36:00.002-05:00

The honeymoon for President Barack Obama and Europe is not over after all.

It's been a week since our President received arguably the most prestigious honor a person can get in this world. The mentality in Norway might be seen as, "Quick! Award him a prize before he screws something else up!" But according to the Nobel committee, it was "for [Obama's] extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples. [And for being nice to us again.]"

Backlash was immense. Conservatives cackled as liberals struggled to describe the achievements of the president. Most fell back on the argument that the peace prize is not an achievement award, and that it would motivate Obama to do something.

Then the conservatives remembered that this award meant that, not only does the world still think the president is the coolest kid on the world playground (even though they didn't give him the Olympics), Barack Obama gets to kiss a lot more girls than them.

For All of You that Lost Money Based on My Olympic Odds

2009-10-05T16:12:00.002-05:00

I have no culpability. Hooray for Carnivale!

Our Olympic Chances, Part 2

2009-10-01T12:31:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow is the big day, and I was thinking, "Is the Chicago 2016 bid that great?" Of course it is. Just look at our marketing team:

Motto: This switched from the poignant "Stir the Soul" to "Let Friendship Shine" and the even more stirring "Candidate City" motto due to translation issues. The former motto stirred up more intestines than animus, so I understand changing it in other languages... but couldn't we use a different motto in the U.S. Maybe the original motto? Other countries change American movie titles all the time to fit their non-English. Can't we just do the reverse and not make ourselves look like 90s afternoon public television?

Logo: The Sears Tower burned as the Olympic torch--but that broke a few international rules. So now we have a Chicago-flag-lookalike star, hoping to make it on the flag in a few years.

Miscellaneous: No one can forget the Chicago Dolphin! We await the Danes' reaction to our semi-aquatic mammals.

If none of these have swayed them, nothing will with Decision Day tomorrow. Of course, I'll be in California, watching the results, far, far away from Rio's retaliations or Rich Daley's wrath.

Our Olympic Chances (Since This Is an Chicago/America-centric Blog)

2009-09-30T15:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I teased with how great of odds Chicago has to win the Olympics. 2-1, in fact. That's a pretty safe bet, right?

I mean, Oprah Winfrey is leading the Chicago 2016 delegation to Copenhagen tomorrow. (Too bad the IOC isn't 50.1+ percent American housewives.) And look at the rest of the delegation: Mayor Daley is going. Governor Quinn is going. Michelle Obama is going. Barack Obama says he's going. Michael Jordan... should go instead of wishing he was still playing baseball. That's a full basketball team, with Oprah as the coach, and Education-Teacher Guy Arne Duncan cooling the towels.

And why else should we win? Our secret weapons: one of the biggest sponsors of the Olympics, McDonald's, is based in Chicago. And the rest of the sponsors are American. About every 20 years, an American city hosts the Olympics.

How can we lose?

Easy, based on a few factors. We are the only city in the world that has more people against hosting the Olympics than for them. Many, in fact, are protesting. We also have the least guarantee that our government will handle the extra costs (though they say they will).

Not to mention we're (mostly) not Latin American.

Odds on Chances of Catching Olympic Fever

2009-09-29T15:05:00.003-05:00

We have less than three days until we find out if Chicago beats the form-fitting pants off of Rio, or vice versa (only less form-fitting). And Tokyo and Madrid... how are they still in it? And does anyone care? Do you know what that means? Fake odds-making time! And if you want real odds, here. (h/t Chicagoist)

Tokyo, Japan, is pushing their experience in hosting the Olympics. Experience--because they're the only city to host the Olympics. That's what entirety of Cleveland sports could say (back 40 years ago, when they cleaned up the joint), but it isn't bringing them a Super Bowl anytime soon.

Tokyo's odds? 40-1.

Madrid, Spain, no one remembers that you're even in the bid.

Madrid's odds? 800-1.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, has among the best chances due to being the first Latin American country to give a serious bid. The downside is that most of the sponsorship will be from prostitution and cocaine rings, who are far more legitimate and concerned about employees' well-being than most corporations in South America.

Rio's odds? 4-1.

Chicago, USA, has pretty good odds, too.

Chicago's odds? 2-1.

An Olympic Fever of 103

2009-09-25T11:17:00.006-05:00

There is a week left until the date that will decide our fate. Will Chicago host the Olympic Games in the year 2016? Will we "make no small plans"? Will we add a fifth star to the civic flag? Will we build exorbitant temporary infrastructure and debt?

Bus ads sound off athletic support every 20 minutes , and parking meters play the Olympic theme every 30 (only one of these is real, for now--guess which). It makes for a piercingly noisy commute. But do I "back the bid"? Or am I one of the many Chicagoans hoping we lose this track & field & pony show?

Well, no: I back this white city's bid. Mostly because I believe Chicago can avoid debt better than any city on earth. Maybe we'll burn her down again after the Games for the insurance money.

Stay tuned: the Aviary will be posting all week about the countdown to Chicago or Rio 2016--Toyko and Madrid... are you kidding me?

It's National Punctuation Day!

2009-09-23T16:30:00.004-05:00

...

It Be Talk Like a Pirate Day, Yet th'Politicians Be Talkin' 'Bout Health Care! Not In Pirate!

2009-09-19T10:31:00.016-05:00

Avast! This health care crisis be a swabby mess on th' Ol' Poop Deck. Public options, beauracrats, an' rude members o' Congress! It be enough to make a good pirate come back t'land, just ta enjoy the yellin'!

I be a foward thinkin' cap'n. Ye don't believe me--I LIE?! Scurvy jackass! I be a man o' th' people, me people, an' they be cryin' out fer the public option. An' I be in agreein'.

Sure I be a free-lubbin' bucko. Sure, me ship offer dental an' vARRRious levels of health coverage. But th'public option be th' best choice fer free-lubbers that be too poor an' too sick ta be livin' a pirate's life like me. Not everyone be a matey on me ship. Th' public option be the option a' choice fer those people. Look at other nations an' how poor they be with pirates! I be lookin' at Canada an' Sasketchawan fer this inspARRRation.

But if ye be less fer the public option than them, if'n ye be hatin' th' beauracratic way life could be goin': try t'join me ship, send a resume, an' don't be worryin' 'bout this mess more. Pay yer taxes (I do). Stop yellin'. Ye jus' have a great TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!

YAR!

Some Countries Stay Perched on Dragons' Tails Forever

2009-09-18T10:40:00.000-05:00

Mary Travers, an icon of the protest-with-flowers-and-guitars movement, died two days ago. And there is one song I put on repeat all day yesterday, and you can guess: it's not about white doves sailing and times a-changing:

"Puff the Magic Dragon" is about--besides the obvious--nostalgia. More specifically, the death of childhood, growing up and remembering playing on Cherry Lane. This is exactly what America is about.

America is nostalgic. Everyone these days is having parties themed by decade, writing books about small towns and small-town politicians, and referencing old toy commercials. They even just released a video game about The Beatles.

Why is such a young country stuck in a fleeting past? Britain has been the same empire for a thousand years with only a few minor coups, civil wars, and political beheadings, so they have a right to be nostalgic. Us? We're barely over 200, and we're already calling the new democracies "whippersnappers," even though they, just like us, only like a good roadside fireworks show.

After the Soviets gave up and the walls tumbled nearly two decades ago, weren't we supposed to bring about a New World Order, sans Hulk Hogan? America, why are we so stuck in the past?

It's because they don't make cartoons like this anymore:

A Loose Cannon with His Rhetoric

2009-09-16T11:45:00.003-05:00

Do they let every opinionated white guy with a connection write for CNN now? Disregarding the thoughts Mr. Feehery's presented--where I don't find much to argue for or against--gander at the terrible lead:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- It is altogether ironic that the one person to have a Sam Adams beer at the infamous beer summit, hosted by the president, was Skip Gates, the Harvard professor whose arrest led to the summit.

Sam Adams was the key revolutionary figure in the Boston Tea Party of 1774, the spark that lit the American Revolution.

And now, 235 years later, Tea Parties have sprung up around the country as a reaction against the rule of President Obama and the Democratic Congress.

It is unlikely that Skip Gates will be spending any time addressing a Tea Party in his hometown of Boston any time soon.

And unlike the popular perception promoted by some in the media, the Tea Party is distinct from the Republican Party, probably as distinct as Sam Adams beer is from Bud Lite.

"Altogether ironic"? This guy's a loose cannon with his rhetoric! Yes, Henry Louis Gates' choice of beer is the cultural irony he draws. It's not even Obama's lager. This "writer," Mr. Feehery, probably thought he was quite clever, too.

Editor's note: John Feehery worked for former House Speaker Dennis Hastert and other Republicans in Congress. He is president of Feehery Group, a Washington-based advocacy firm that has represented clients that include News Corp., Ford Motor Co. and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. He formerly was a government relations executive vice president for the Motion Picture Association of America.

That explains it: a Hollywood rightist. Still, you're going to have to clean up your act, CNN, or I'm going to start editing all your Op-Eds.

And You Think I Forgot!

2009-09-11T09:11:00.003-05:00

My, has it been eight years already? Lucky years, weren't they, especially to have the presidents, mayors, and true culture warriors we've had. Since they're all occupied with health care right now, that leaves it to the Internet community and the Today Show to never forget..

Here are, by my count, the worst, most despicable 9/11 tributes EVER. One rule though: I banned the song "It's Raining Men." Let's keep this "clean," folks:

First, there is my own, circa 2007. I believe this to be some of my best camera work ever:

Here's the Happiest one:

The perennial favorite:

The MMM-Bop remix:

EDIT: Apparently, the "MMM-Bop" track was removed recently. But remember, someone put this footage to Hanson. Never forget that.

But, I've already decided what's the worst, most despicable 9/11 tribute. It is silly-looking, unforgivable, and isn't even finished: The Freedom Tower. You know, the money sink that symbolizes for all that we can rebuild, as long as no one re-flies a plane into it.

Also, that place is gonna be fucking haunted.

Not all tributes are bad though. Not all of them involve smarmy "God Bless America" sing-a-longs and statesmen crying. The traditional sources of irreverence and irascibility can lift up society better. Take the weight off and blast away, providing the mirthless guffaw we all needed in the face of tragedy. That is The Onion's Sept. 26, 2001 issue. Thank you, The Onion, the classiest class act I've ever read. Now hire me.

A Day Without Cats: The Battle for the Soul of Teh Internetz

2009-09-09T09:38:00.009-05:00

"It's 9/9/9. September has 9 letters, Wednesday has 9 and its the 252 day of the year added equal 9." --@MarketTraders

Why is today so important? There's that first statement from some crackpot on Twitter. There are also some who say the gods decreed that cats will have a day off on their most sacred numbered day--9/9/09. Nine lives. Whether these gods were Egyptian, Etruscan, or Catholic, I do not know. We'll say probably all of them. Most religions have pretty similar stories, don't they?

I would have ignored the signs. I might have been Jonahesque. Then I saw this video:

So while I do not normally post pictures of cats, and I hardly email them, I will support Urlesque and their cult. No cats today. At all. I have one rule: this eagle does not commit hubris.

"Welcome Back, Comrade"

2009-09-08T10:30:00.001-05:00

No, wait, I've got a better one than the title: Saved by the Bolsheviks' Drums! And then they can have a Bread Line Years edition.

In a half hour, President Obama will indoctrinate the nation's children, which I understand scares many parents. I mean, this is a national scale this guy is telling kids to keep reading, riting, and rithmeticking. I understand exactly why so many are afraid.

I've forgotten to study up beforehand on the speech (but glancing at it, I realized I sometimes wonder how Mr. Obama's speech teachers all felt). Rest assured, though, I will be watching and listening live, and scanning for subliminal lasers shooting out of my computer.

I Have Made a Big Decision

2009-08-31T22:02:00.003-05:00

No one should sell Oktoberfest ales before September 1st. Period. I might love Oktoberfest beer--it's probably the best style of beer on Earth. But I cannot buy an Oktoberfest brew when the summer sun still lingers and August is still out there, saying hello.

And yet there it is, on the shelf, only a block from my apartment. Oktoberfest beer in August--this is your proof of man-made climate change.

Hippies Fucked Their Way to the Top

2009-08-17T21:21:00.005-05:00

Hippies took over the world 40 years ago this weekend with something they called Woodstock. This musical festival had a wide reach, wide enough to make everyone this weekend remember the fond days when fire hoses were legal.

In hippie tradition, city workers in Chicago got a vacation day... without pay. Whether they liked it or not. So clerks stayed home, libraries closed, and City Hall's ancient air conditioners were turned down. Thankfully, the fire department still had their hoses operating.

Get a non-municipal job, hippies!

Health Care Scare!!!

2009-08-14T14:17:00.003-05:00

I was just thinking of my annual Halloween Political Horror Show post, and I thought, I should get on writing that now about health care. Because I have no doubt in my mind that we'll still be arguing about this, possibly with muskets, by October 31st.

Today, Social Media Services Were Attacked and Our Innocence Destroyed

2009-08-06T23:20:00.003-05:00

Today is a day that will be live-blogged in infamy. Early this August morning, Twitter was attacked. (Tweettacked? Pecked?) Facebook was immediately affected, as were probably a few hundred thousand iPhone Twitter apps. No one knew what to do. Our generation was at its social knees, and no one even knew if Ms. Sonia Sotomayor was going to be approved or not as a Supreme Court Justice.

Though, personally, I thought she was a shoe-in. I mean, I thought she was already promoted Chief Justice weeks ago. A lot happens in weeks and weeks of dry C-SPAN procedure--

Well, that's a lie. Let's catch these perpetrators soon.

Now This Shit Is Real

2009-08-05T10:02:00.004-05:00

Well, maybe not, but it's still disgusting. And really, really clever.

(I really needed to do that title. So many puns, all bottled up after not making them for a few weeks there! So, I promise: more puns on the Aviary, from here on in.)

Support the Space Program by Watching Star Trek!

2009-07-15T10:45:00.000-05:00

Begin the Great Adventure! Okay, so I'm a sucker for space stuff and science nonfiction. And the most important day in that history is coming up Monday, July 20th. We'll be seeing all the tributes, all the videos of Kennedy, and all the videos of Armstrong, but we can't forget what led to the moment. The ambition to press "LAUNCH." And this website, We Choose the Moon, lets us follow that process! In real time!

We've still got nearly 22 hours as of this writing, though I'll bet anything this won't be delayed like a modern shuttle! (Craftsmanship was so much better 40 years ago.)

P.S. you can even follow the Eagle on Twitter! And I'm going to @ it to give me a shout out or two.

Arabian Nightcourt

2009-07-13T13:53:00.000-05:00

American culture has truly been exported. On top of Arabian superstitions, now this family is blaming genies, spirits, and everyone but the ones truly at fault.

My question: who is truly at fault in this case? The genie, or the person that used a wish to make this genie to harass this family?

Stuck. In. My. Head. All night.

2009-07-13T11:31:00.002-05:00

The Girl at the Video Game Store, from G4... Thanks, Nerf Herder, rhymes don't help my affliction.

Video Games - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

I barely slept. I dreamed too much.

The Creation Museum Great Flood Room Is a Thrill for All Ages

2009-07-08T00:44:00.003-05:00

It's always great to see scientists finding new places to vacation and learn about the horrible world we live in.

Who's Better at Democracy Right Now? Iran or Minnesota?

2009-07-01T22:37:00.006-05:00

Amidst this flurry of recounts, Tweets, and court subpoenas, is Iran or Minnesota better at democracy? Iran is an oppressive dictatorship, unable to hold the mantle of Islamic Republic. Minnesota spent the last eight months making Florida look positively normal.

Two elections have concluded, and the two made the world both shake and bury its hands in disgust. But, they're done! Boy, are they done. As of today, Al Franken will be the Honorable Senator Al Franken of Minnesota. In Iran, the populist choice Mir-Hossein Mousavi will not be president, sadly.

So the woes are over, with democracy restored for everyone, right? Maybe not for conservatives in the United States. And it still took Minnesota eight months and a gigantic court fight. And Iran's still under an oppressive regime and system of government. So at least Iran has an excuse for not being good at democracy.

What's your excuse, Minnesota?

WOOOO for Nominal Power Transitions!

2009-06-30T14:32:00.006-05:00

We can declare victory now! Mission accomplished in Iraq!

Yes, yesterday brought this news, meager against the deaths of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Billy Mays, a few thousand hungry children across the globe, and possibly Jeff Goldblum. However, Iraq is finally becoming independent... somewhat. The American pullout leaves towns, cities, and metropolitan areas to rule themselves. Our doughboys will keep the peace in the deserts and rural lands, but the cities are now Iraq's to protect.

My one qualm with this situation: do you know what yesterday was called in Iraq? National Sovereignty Day! Lame. At least our day has oomph: the Fourth of July! Independence Day! If you want to join the big nations, you need to celebrate like us. Maybe not the 29th of June, since the jokes would be lame:

Q: Does England have a 29th of June?
A: Yes. So does America. So does everyone else.

I guess that joke was never funny. But, National Sovereignty Day? I bet that doesn't even sound cool in even one of your country's languages. C'mon, Iraq: you could at least call the day the tried and true Independence Day. Or, better, Iraqi Freedom Day. Or, my personal preference, End of Operation Iraqi Freedom Day.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, two of our founding fathers and our second and third presidents, died 50 years later, on exactly the Fourth of July. You can't get more poetic oomph than that. Can I suggest you kill off a few of your own founding fathers? I know you can't kill them, it wouldn't be the same. But give them the suggestion that maybe they should die of old age on June 29th... in fifty years, at max? (Note: I am kidding. I am a peaceful blogger, not threatening ANYONE. Please don't jail me.)

Iraq, there is plenty for you guys to do to spruce up your National Sovereignty Day. Getting chopping and rename it. Get your founding fathers to cooperate. However, one last tip: celebration with fireworks? Don't copy us.

When I Left LA, I Swore Michael Jackson Was Fine

2009-06-25T17:49:00.003-05:00

Is MTV putting on Thriller (with an undead Michael Jackson) a little too soon?

Yes, I won't pretend that I cared that much about him in life. Not a big King of Pop fan. But as a comedian, losing a punching bag, I say, lay down and take a rest. For once, you won't hear the media screaming at you.

(Sorry for the broken image in the link... I'm currently trying to get up a working photo again. Six-year-old link.)

I Said I'd BRB from LA...

2009-06-24T13:27:00.003-05:00

Andy and I decided to stand in the smog an extra five days. But hey, we saw Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen! And Charlie Chaplin, though I suspect he was an impersonator.

I'm working on the trip write-up for you guys, and Andy's got an impressive photo collection to edit into a manageable, readable blob. But for now, I'll repost some highlights of the Twitterlogue:

After carefully considering how early I had to get up for a 6:30am flight, is it too late to cancel & fly to LA on my own wings? 2:09 AM Jun 13th from txt

So, far, my guidebook of Grapes of Wrath has lied. I can't pick oranges, grapes or even wine straight from the trees in #California. 4:58 PM Jun 13th from txt

Nesting hummingbirds have the speed & dexterity of 10 soccer moms. 3:21 PM Jun 15th from txt

Okay, so #LA has not been burnt. Just looted.10:50 AM Jun 15th from txt

The Surplus Store: Earthquake & Survival Supplies: seems to me "surplus" is a misnomer in earthquake-ridden, Laker-fan-infested #LA8:51 PM Jun 15th from txt

Biggest impressions at Manns? Probably Sam Jackson's hands, Jimmy Stewart's feet, or Jimmy Durante's nose. 12:32 PM Jun 16th from txt

Twitter is a sorry means for describing art but I'll try: based on one painting, the stigmata of St Catherine was caused by PEWPEWPEW beams. 1:52 PM Jun 18th from txt

I had my first sighting ever of the rare baja fish taco, which lives in festive environments, full of stucco. 7:47 PM Jun 18th from txt

And, yes, I realize that I'm taunting my readers at home, talking about mostly dry weather & Pacific sunsets painting skies. Ooo, rainbow! 1:01 PM Jun 20th from txt

I'm on a sugar-white beach grasped by the crawl of the tide and flame of the sun--man, I love this poetic landscape stuff so hard.5:09 PM Jun 20th from txt

At the end of #Route66. I think we cheated by taking United though. 2:27 PM Jun 21st from txt

#Vegas is BOILING HOT! WHY DID I LEAVE MY TERMINAL?!?! 3:30 PM Jun 22nd from txt

Now, the 4-hour voyage home. And some time(zone) traveling. See you guys in the future! 5:24 PM Jun 22nd from txt

Going to California, BRB--Really!

2009-06-12T13:10:00.002-05:00

Ah, bright lights, cameras, and action: Andy and I are making a trip out to LA for a few days. My whirlwind tour to a beautiful city of contrasts, a land of desire, you know, all those travel cliches.

I'll have the mobile Twittering turned on, of course, and I'll be taking plenty of pictures. I won't be Internet-less, though I probably won't be checking much email anyway. I'd rather be picking the grapes right off the vines and watch my step, lest I fall into very large crack (though that would be San Andreas' Fault, amirite?!).

I'll put my talons in the Walk of Fame, steal George Clooney's smug-ass star, and then buy expensive popcorn at Mann's.

Gotta get out to the ocean too, check out those chicks at the beach. And make some more stupid puns and Steinbeck jokes. All the tourist-y things!

I might die this vacation, being unlucky enough to be in LA when the Lakers win the NBA Finals. (When, not if... sorry to entire-world-that-thinks-Kobe-needs-to-curl-up-and-die-of-cigarette-burns.) But don't worry: I'll keep you guys updated from the grave.

Rock the Vote for Another Eaglie

2009-06-12T10:27:00.003-05:00

Why are we not flooding the inboxes here? Hali is the perfect name for a babe.

Also, let's do this quickly, so Stephen Colbert doesn't find this and get to name ANOTHER bald eagle (Colberta). I know they've already picked the finalists, but you never know. Colbert has a way with voting records.

(Special thanks to Hilary for bringing this to the blog's attention.)

Happy Tank Rolling Day!

2009-06-07T19:05:00.001-05:00

So Friend of the Blog Danny had gone missing in China. I assumed the worst (like I always do), and on the eve of the 20th anniversary of the events at Tiananmen Square, when mankind and its indomitable spirit was pitted against tank treads and pavement. Unfortunately, the latter tag team won.

I could only assume that Danny had been crushed similarly, being of liberal namby-pamby persuasion. I then heard that China cut off social media ties from the rest of the world, thus forcing a billion Chinese to stop farming magic cloth. (I do have to wonder what happened to the World of Warcraft economy. I'm guessing nothing, since I can only assume China made a distinction between WoW and other social media due to how far this would collapse their own economy.)

Thankfully, Danny has since informed me to stop looking. He's found. I don't believe this for a second. When will Westerners learn of the impending body-snatching of our loved ones and replacement by digital Internet copies? This is obviously something we need to worry about now.

I Hope This Message Reaches You

2009-06-03T13:27:00.004-05:00

I'll make this quick: we have been moving, and Andy still has me stuck in a cage under a blanket. Why this happened, I don't know. It might have been the small fires I caused while trying to move the dresser by myself.

I managed to sneak this note out in a digital bottle. If this message reaches you, you are part of the Resistance.

This Is Going to Be a Boon to the Green & All-Natural Fads

2009-05-27T13:47:00.002-05:00

But does this make it okay to drink decaf?

After the Hiatus: Return of the Nerdiness

2009-05-26T21:46:00.003-05:00

So I make my triumphant return after a long break. Mostly to post this.

(I'm kidding. I'm not only posting that. I'm also going to post this, where in the future, massive eagle statues are built in worship. Oh, and Nazis still exist and launch some spaceships. Thank God we were prepared for that.

Joe and Barack Go to White Castle

2009-05-15T15:10:00.002-05:00

I love the headline. No wonder the President brought Kumar onto the administration.

(And I wonder how many other people used that post title when this obviously hard news first broke?)

Trekkies Are from Mars, Star Wars Fan Are from Venus

2009-05-10T21:22:00.005-05:00

Someday, human beings will discover faster-than-light travel. On that day, the greatest fight in recorded history will break out. No, not over the definition of sandwiches. No, not over airplanes on treadmills. It will be over the topic at hand: what to call faster-than-light travel, hyperspace or warp speed?

Will the Star Wars fans win out? Or the Trekkies?

He Be Postin', They Be Hatin'

2009-05-06T09:28:00.005-05:00

So yesterday was supposed to be me and Eaglie's big State of the Aviary Address. But alas, we ran out of energy by the time we were supposed to do it. Work does that.

Let me acknowledge the concerns--it's true that the Aviary has been oft neglected this past year. Fits of posting followed by lacks. But we will come out the stronger. Now is the time to put away childish things, like sleep, and get back to our posting roots. There shall be no rest from rhetoric for the feathered. I'll see to that.

It is not all bad though. On this sixth anniversary of the Aviary, I have discovered new and exciting powers for Eaglie to claim. Flickr, YouTube, Twitter (something designed for a bird character if there ever was one)... all new possibilities for the Aviary to become, faster, stronger, better, and even profitable.

But that can't be everything: a friend in the online publishing industry told me to worry more about content. The free Bloggers and Wordpresses may be a dime a dozen and won't let you stand out in the crowd too often, but the content of each and every post is what keeps visitors coming back. And that is what makes blogs profitable. And that model will be how the Aviary will proceed.

On another note, happy birthday to avid reader Joe! I'm sure he's living it up with his birthday biscuits and tea wherever he is. And if you'd like a personalized birthday wish from the Aviary, please send a credit card number or PayPal request to Eaglie's Birthday Wish By Internet Fund!

We Rate First 100 Days, Good Price! Very Good!

2009-04-29T23:46:00.005-05:00

Pres. Obama survived 100 days in office. I can't honestly tell you how.

The recession is bad. Stocks are holding steady right now, but one big fall and there will be a run on potato sacks.

Everyone is in a budget crisis, and I mean everyone. Even the potato farmers, who had to spring for burlap rather than silk sacks this year.

We handed plenty of CEOs blank checks with bailouts. Needless to say, they took a lot of money for themselves. Many of these CEOs returned their bonuses when Pres. Obama checked the receipts. The rest of the executives now have the honor of being the final detainees of Guantanamo Bay.

Grade on Economic Policy: $4.53

On to foreign policy: the US is still in Iraq, Afghanistan is kind of a lost cause, and Pakistan is apparently being taken over by the Taliban, province by province. The third one came out of left field, I know. But thank God we still have our 2nd Amendment: once extremists get nukes, I'll have my brand-new, almost-registered 12-gauge shotgun to fend them off with.

American right-wing extremists are apparently a danger now. As if I wasn't worried enough about Pakistani and other extremists.

Piracy went from being a museum exhibit, to a novelty that appeared on the BBC every month or so, to a full-blown media frenzy that got Wolf Blitzer to call Anderson Cooper "matey" at least once. It was awkward for both of them.

Grade on Foreign Policy: 1 HEAAAAAARTY round of applause

And now pigs are spreading flu, all over the world, creating a pandemic killing a few concentrated areas of people. And that's the least of our worries. (Note: Andy's working up a report on swine flu... stay tuned for that).

Grade on Health Care: Crispy.

So, adding those totals up, my midterm grade for President Barack Obama is a B. Above average. The president has done well in many places. He's also backtracked better than Hansel and Gretel ever could have left breadcrumbs for. And while the crises are not his own fault: how could things possibly look up?

All I can think is, at least I can still eat pork, properly cooked.

Hope Everyone Enjoyed Shakespeare's 445th Birthday!

2009-04-24T09:21:00.002-05:00

I was Twittering it, which was a grand time! Also, hope someone remembered to tell you "Good night, sweet prince," 'cause I sure forgot to after all the port and sack.

Good Morrow!

2009-04-23T09:56:00.003-05:00

Zounds, the day's already upon us! Talk Like Shakespeare Day it is, in Chicago! A holiday on a stage like Chicago! Beautiful, bountiful words, Mother-Bard! For you, this heaven-sprung day is made!

Be mindful! Talk Like Shakespeare Day, it is; not Talk Like Dickens Day, as is sometimes bloody easy to fall to, it is.

Want s'more later?

Woods of Dusinane Will Fuck You Up

2009-04-22T17:43:00.001-05:00

I wish Earth Day and Talk Like Shakespeare Day fell on the same day...

Zoo Keeper: Forsooth! Creatures, be awake! Tis a day for Mother Earth! Thou should be glad!
Bearvolio: Hath thou no heart? I was slumbering!
Meerkutio: Ah, I see Queen Mab hath visited you!
Bearvolio: Duh!
Zoo Keeper: Wake up, all of the world's birds, bees, and crawling things! Feeding time!
Lady Water MacCasin: Do not act like a woman, dear Zoo Keeper! Bring it here! Let me suckle upon that frozen rat!
Zoo Keeper: Here you go! Now, how is our brooding pig prince?
Hamlet: Why was I born with such a name? Tis a such a stupid one-liner. A bad dream, for true.
Meerkutio: I shall say, a pox of a name on you.
Bearvolio: (slumbers, Stage Left)
Zoo Keeper: Lady! Are you feeding well today upon your rat bucket?
Lady Water MacCasin: Out, out, damned boot! Do not step on me!
Meerkutio: Lady, you might be visited by...
Bearvolio: Shall I wonder if it's Queen Mab again?
Zoo Keeper: Look, ho! I am no zoo keeper! I am the Duke, and you shall all be married...

You know, something like that, but in more iambic pentameter. Talk to you lords and ladies tomorrow!

But Where Did They Find a Guy to Take the Role?

2009-04-20T21:16:00.004-05:00

**NOT SAFE FOR WORK** (First time I've ever used that tag!)

Just saying, I feel better about posting this after I found out the producers had girls' names.

CUT IT OUT, TOO, LEFTIES

2009-04-16T22:20:00.003-05:00

This is to balance the ticket my earlier post. In the midst of tax protests, Pres. Obama has named another "czar," this one for the border. Yes, they are still using the term, "czar."

Look, I want to help, really, but I can't if you can't even help yourselves, Left Wingers.

Our United Kingdom

2009-04-16T14:20:00.006-05:00

A word about these tax day tea party protests:

It's an insult. Our forefathers fought long and hard to not have people make a mockery of them and to keep tea out of this country. I'll be damned if we ruin our great coffee republic with morning cups of earl grey. Why do you think tea was dumped in the first place?

As for the actual meaning of the tea parties, I don't really care. I just like the pictures of right wingers in drag!

I'm told the picture linked above is not drag, but is in fact colonial garb. So, find more colonial sassiness at the Tribune here!

THIS'LL Remind You to Mail Those Bailouts/Taxes Today

2009-04-15T09:54:00.011-05:00

Everyone likes to know where their money goes when they give it to charity, so I decided to find out at the Chicago Auto Show back in February. The auto show is GIGANTIC every year. I've had uncles tell me they got lost in there, with little to eat but their own shoes and Connie's Pizza.

But you'd expect it this year to be more subdued. After all, the car companies are hurting. They can't afford a spectacle. They, in fact, still need our help, and are probably shaving a bit off the top of the ticket prices to fund their legal teams for faulty, explosive hydrogen cells.

The Big Three came out in force. The Big Numbers One through Three showed up, as did a lot of Japanese, Germans, and KIAns. Everyone and everything was there.

...including.

The Chevy.

VOLT!!!

All that's left she needs is a paint job.

The Chevy Volt is supposed to save the troubled Big Number Two (Chevy). If all goes according to plan, the car will come down on a Zeus-thrown, Hephaestus-forged thunderbolt to spear those incredibly low stocks, raise expectations, and reintroduce humans to cooking fire. (We'll need it soon.)

With this, Chevy had a powerful case at this auto show that they were changing and fixing their internal problems. Transformers also made an appearance for Chevy, convincing me of this point.

Aside from military uses like that, when your tax dollars are at work, you want to know they are being used to make your life easier. (After all that math and imaginary numbers, what else?) The best part is, government loves to make things idiot-proof (as much for themselves as anyone). This year, they've outdone themselves with a new mandate, as there's no more throwing away the instruction manuals: they're printed right on the paint job!

This plug-in car plugs in... I think right here.

Lambourgine made an appeasement of an appearance in the middle of the floor. This company is beginning to truly show the world what can be done to fix the energy crisis and reduce our dependence on foreign oil. They've harnessed the abundant natural drool of men wandering by.

Don't lie that you didn't short your keyboard.

Hummer even managed to show its overcompensation of a grill, even in the face of environmentalist hatred. They even showed up with a lovely obstacle course. But the outraged people crowd, picketing Hummer's polluting policies, stopped anyone from getting in line for the obstacle course.

I ended my inspection the classic way: staring at greaser-mobiles and plucky Model-Ts.

By the way, back in MY day, cars didn't need bailouts--though they often needed a push.

OH GADZ ANOTHER MMOG

2009-04-14T20:57:00.002-05:00

Ad ing t o many fir fox ad -ons bu some ar so co l. Ca ch me o l ne as @eaglie

Already Easter (2009)?

2009-04-12T09:17:00.002-05:00

You mean, the Easter bunny stopped by already? But... I wasn't even ready with my camera! I mean, I need evidence... license plate number, registration, something!

Happy Easter, Aviary readers!

Newswires Are Afraid of Spiders

2009-04-09T22:15:00.001-05:00

Are you paying attention to this AP versus Google situation? You know, the one where Google users find AP wire stories all over their searches that are relevant and AP gets nothing but their names in all the papers? And where websites shouldn't embed AP audio or video made available to the public? And where websites shouldn't be quoting AP-written headlines to link to AP stories?

I mean, if you don't stop it now, AP, next thing you know someone'll be torrenting all your copy.

Now, I've secretly promised myself that I won't weigh in for Google or AP or whoever else is launching themselves into the battle of the monolithic nerd agencies. I will just give you what I'm best at: irony. Then some more irony. And then I'll search for more irony.

Chicago Collectively Said, "He Wasn't Already?"

2009-04-07T22:23:00.001-05:00

So, Michael Jordan is in the Hall of Fame. The guy in the article gets this right: it's one big duh, first ballot, landslide victory, man-of-the-hour. Olympic gold, championship gold, hubcap gold... Michael Jordan has had it all and is the best: the best there ever was, the best there ever will be. As a Chicagoan, this makes me tear up... maybe even more as a Cubs fan. (Yes, I am that pessimistic this early on. Give my heart a rest.)

But, most importantly, Mike, this means no more comebacks, no?

From the Tribune: "I don't like being up here for the Hall of Fame because at that time your basketball career is completely over," Jordan said. "I was hoping this day would be 20 more years, or actually go in when I'm dead and gone."

And even then, there's reanimation for the kind of money Mike has.

NCAA-MLB Opening Day 2009

2009-04-06T19:28:00.000-05:00

My friend Ken--a basketball fan, a Cubs fan, and someone who I refuse to believe is spanking me in the NCAA brackets, even when my Final Four were half-out in the first round (thank God for Arizona!)--asked me and Andy what we were going to watch tonight: the Cubs opening day game in Houston or the Michigan State-North Carolina NCAA Championship game.

Cubs lead, 3-0.

Continuing My Corporate-ness for the Day

2009-04-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

Yes, I will even drink diet coke for you, Felicia. Especially if you're the one that does Ingrid Bergman's lines--I have trouble keeping up my over-enunciated falsetto.

Louisiana Purchase of a Some Crispy Buffalo Wings

2009-04-02T19:07:00.004-05:00

I am appalled at my own title. For I found this today. So I ask: Lewis & Clark, serial killers or victims of a comedic hoax?

Oh, and this is a shout out to these guys, who followed me on Twitter.

Remember: Twitter: everyone's using it now, so why shouldn't you follow me?

This thing really exploded, didn't it?

Please Note, No Joke

2009-04-01T09:29:00.003-05:00

There are no April Fools' Jokes here. Or here. Or here.

Just kidding! Of course there's an April Fools' Joke here! I mean, OF COURSE the US is lifting the ban on Americans traveling to Cuba! Why wouldn't that be true? And it's not like we're gonna sabotage and infiltrate anything while we're there in our floral prints and khaki cargoes. That would be silly!

Though silliness abound: it is April 1st! Happy April Fools' Day!

The Next Four Horsemen Are Upon Us

2009-03-31T20:55:00.001-05:00

One, duh.

Two, God help us all.